LITMIR.BIZ

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box, blurted out, "My Lord, I never cared for anything but women and horseflesh!" Mr. Justice Maule: "Oh, you never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to go home and make your will, or, if you have made it, put a codicil to it, and direct your executors, as soon as you are dead, to have you flayed, and to have your skin made into side-saddles, and then, whatever happens, you will have the satisfaction of reflecting that, after death, some part of you will be constantly in contact with what, in life, were the dearest objects of your affections."

      CCXXVI.—CUT AND COME AGAIN.

      A gentleman who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he, "it's whipcord it is!"

      CCXXVII.—CALIBAN'S LOOKING-GLASS.

      A remarkably ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite neighbor with great effect, said slily, "What, already, Jerrold! Now I never break a glass."—"I wonder at that," was Jerrold's instant reply, "you ought whenever you look in one."

      CCXXVIII.—UNION IS STRENGTH.

      A kind-hearted, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister, who happened on that day to be rather behind time. "Come down, Jamie," said the minister, "that's my place."—"Come ye up, sir," replied Jamie; "they are a stiff-necked and rebellious generation the people o' this place, and it will take us baith to manage them."

      CCXXIX.—FRENCH PRECIPITATION.

      The late Mr. Pétion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely two-and-thirty minutes in the Old Bailey.

      CCXXX.—MAKING IT UP.

      An attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough provided, upon one occasion when company were expected, he asked if she had brothed the clerks. She replied that she had done so. "Well then," said he, "broth 'em again."

      CCXXXI.—OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.

      Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well," said Doddington, "and yet I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep, because I knew that about this time of day you would tell that story."

      CCXXXII.—HUMOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES.

      A critic one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.

      "Humor!" exclaimed Jerrold, "why he sweats at a joke, like a Titan at a thunderbolt!"

      CCXXXIII.—EQUALITY.

      Some one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said, "All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's Byron, he was a Harrow boy—"—"Yes," interrupted Charles, "and there's Burns—he was a ploughboy."

      CCXXXIV.—QUITE NATURAL.

      "Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" asked the master of an infant school in a fast neighborhood.—"I have!" shouted a six-year-old at the foot of the class. "Where?" inquired old spectacles, amused by his earnestness. "On the elephant!" was the reply.

      CCXXXV.—MISER'S CHARITY.

      An illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat," but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is nothing to nobody."

      CCXXXVI.—SHAKING HANDS.

      At a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary—"For," said he, "their hands have been shaking this half-hour."

      CCXXXVII.—MILTON ON WOMAN.

      Milton was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in the different languages: to which he replied, "No, sir; one tongue is sufficient for a woman."

      CCXXXVIII.—EPIGRAM.

      (On bank notes being made a legal tender.)

      The privilege hard money to demand, It seems but fair the public should surrender; For I confess I ne'er could understand Why cash called hard, should be a legal tender.

      CCXXXIX.—A GOOD REASON.

      "That's a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes," replied the old dame, "and he never cries."—"That's because he's never washed," rejoined the youngster.

      CCXL.—ON FARREN, THE ACTOR.

      If Farren, cleverest of men,

       Should go to the right about,

       What part of town will he be then?

       Why, "Farren-done-without!"

      CCXLI.—PADDY'S LOGIC.

      "The sun is all very well," said an Irishman, "but the moon is worth two of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we want it, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have no occasion for it."

      CCXLII.—WARNING TO LADIES.

      Beware of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.

      CCXLIII.—A MOT OF DE FOE.

      When Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator; but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have continued the Spectator than the Tatler."

      CCXLIV.—A FAIR REPULSE.

      At the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock, as at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming danger; Cumnock, it should be recollected, being on a high situation, and ten or twelve miles from the coast. "What sort of people are you, up at Cumnock?" said an Ayr gentleman; "you have not a single volunteer!"—"Never you heed," says Logan, very quietly; "if the French land at Ayr, there will soon be plenty of volunteers up at Cumnock."

      CCXLV.—CLAW AND CLAW.

      Lord Erskine and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably conceited, were in the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he would write

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