Скачать книгу

end of a line, and asked him the reason. "I cannot pass a very old acquaintance," replied the critic, "without that civility."

      CXXXIX.—A GOOD PLACE.

      A nobleman taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him, "The principal instruction you require is, to observe a line of conduct exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor."—"Sire," replied he, "I will endeavor so to act that you shall not have occasion to give my successor the like advice."

      CXL.—A CABAL.

      The attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a conspiracy to overturn monarchy by a common-wheel.

      CXLI.—THE FIRE OF LONDON.

      One speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared, Bread Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot, Seacoal Lane was burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down, Pudding Lane and Pye Corner were over baked."

      CXLII.—A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.

      The speeches made by P—— are sound, It cannot be denied; Granted; and then it will be found, They're little else beside.

      CXLIII.—AN HONEST HORSE.

      A dealer once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with emphatic earnestness, that "he was an honest horse." After the purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. "Why, sir," replied the seller, "whenever I rode him he always threatened to throw me, and he certainly never deceived me."

      CXLIV.—THE RETORT CUTTING.

      Bishops Sherlock and Hoadly were both freshmen of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were first lectured was Tully's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival, said, when they left the lecture-room, "Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's translation to-day."—"Why, no, Tom," retorted Hoadly, "I did not, for I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which, I am told, is the only one in the college."

      CXLV.—ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.

      Mr. Henry Erskine, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess of Gordon, said to her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honor and pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?"—"O!" answered her grace, "Edinburgh is a vile dull place—I hate it."—"Madam," replied the gallant barrister, "the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark morning—I won't rise to-day."

      CXLVI.—A LOVE SONG, BY DEAN SWIFT.

      A pud in is almi de si re,

       Mimis tres Ine ver require,

       Alo veri find it a gestis,

       His miseri ne ver at restis.

      CXLVII.—BY THE SAME.

      Mollis abuti,

       Has an acuti,

       No lasso finis,

       Molli divinis.

       O mi de armis tres,

       Imi nadis tres,

       Cantu disco ver

       Meas alo ver?

      CXLVIII.—A HAPPY SUGGESTION.

      When Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l. 15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The Nightingale's Wing."

      CXLIX.—PLAYING ON A WORD.

      Lord Orford was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration. Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question, and at last said, "I think I saw a lyre there." George Selwyn, who was of the party, whispered his next man, "Yes, and there is one less since he left the country."

      CL.—AN EYE TO PROFIT.

      A person speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious, was always abusing the avarice of others, added, "Is it not strange that this man will not take the beam out of his own eye before he attempts the mote in other people's?"—"Why, so I daresay he would," cried Sheridan, "if he was sure of selling the timber."

      CLI.—"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE."

      A very small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took off his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, "Sir, if you were not my officer, I would extinguish you."

      CLII.—A.I.

      A learned barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother "wig," who did not appear to understand them, added, "Don't you know the lines? They are in Martial."—"Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on underwriting."—"Not so bad," replied the other. "After all, there is not so much difference between an under writer and a minor poet."

      CLIII.—QUALIFYING FOR BAIL.

      A gentleman once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth 3,000l.?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to 2,940. "That's all very good," said the serjeant, "but you want 60l. more to be worth 3,000."—"For that sum," replied the gentleman, in no ways disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of one Mr. Serjeant Davy, and I hope he will have the honesty soon to settle it." The serjeant looked abashed, and Lord Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well, brother Davy, I think we may accept the bail."

      CLIV.—BARRY'S POWERS OF PLEASING.

      Spranger Barry, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, said from above, "Don't be in a passion; but do me the favor to walk upstairs, and we'll speak on the business."—"Not I," answered the man; "you owe me one hundred pounds already, and if you get me upstairs, you won't let me leave you till you owe me two."

      CLV.—EPIGRAM.

      "It is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely."—Court Journal.

      'Tis right that Cumberland should be

       In this resolve so steady,

       For all the world declare that he

       Is too bare-faced already!

      CLVI.—SENTENCE OF DEATH.

      The following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his pig's victuals.

Скачать книгу