LITMIR.BIZ

Скачать книгу

MISSED HIM.

      Talk no more of the lucky escape of the head From a flint so unluckily thrown; I think very diff'rent, with thousands indeed, 'Twas a lucky escape for the stone.

      CXX.—A MAN OF LETTERS.

      When Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title. "Sir," says he, "I'd have you know, I had the honor of chalking number 45 upon every door between Temple Bar and Hyde Park-corner."

      CXXI.—WELSH WIG-GING.

      An Englishman and a Welshman, disputing in whose country was the best living, said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner."—"Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man toasted his own cheese."

      CXXII.—A SPRIG OF SHILLALAH.

      A fellow on the quay, thinking to quiz a poor Irishman, asked him, "How do the potatoes eat now, Pat?" The Irish lad, who happened to have a shillalah in his hand, answered, "O! they eat very well, my jewel, would you like to taste the stalk?" and knocking the inquirer down, coolly walked off.

      CXXIII.—DOG-MATIC.

      In the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the latter, who was a great courtier, said, "His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a cur." To which the other replied, "That fawning was the property of a cur as well as barking."

      CXXIV.—FALSE QUANTITY.

      A learned counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a nolle prosēqui. "Consider, sir," said Baron Alderson, "that this is the last day of term, and don't make things unnecessarily long."

      CXXV.—IN SUSPENSE.

      The sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives not upon the branches, but under them. He moves suspended, rests suspended, sleeps suspended, and passes his life in suspense—like a young clergyman distantly related to a bishop.

      CXXVI.—PORSON'S VISIT TO THE CONTINENT.

      Soon after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a party where he happened to be present, a gentleman solicited a sketch of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous one:

      "I went to Frankfort and got drunk

       With that most learned professor, Brunck;

       I went to Worts and got more drunken

       With that more learned professor, Ruhnken."

      CXXVII.—ARTIFICIAL HEAT.

      The late Lord Kelly had a very red face. "Pray, my lord," said Foote to him, "come and look over my garden-wall—my cucumbers are very backward."

      CXXVIII.—OUTWARD APPEARANCE.

      Man is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.

      CXXIX.—THE TWO SMITHS.

      A gentleman, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share the letters equally between the two. "This is intolerable, sir," said our friend, "and you must quit."—"Why am I to quit more than you?"—"Because you are James the Second—and must abdicate."

      CXXX.—SAGE ADVICE.

      The advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing him to a regular Tipperary row, was, "Wherever you see a head, hit it."

      CXXXI.—THE PURSER.

      Lady Hardwicke, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he did, and what he got she saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually retained them herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved, that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, "There was not such a purser in the navy."

      CXXXII.—A FOREIGN ACCENT.

      When Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord Justice asked him, "Hae you ony counsel, mon?"—"No."—"Do you want to hae ony appointed?"—"I only want an interpreter to make me understand what your lordships say."

      CXXXIII—EASY AS LYING.

      Erskine, examining a bumptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a rider? "I'm a traveller, sir," replied the witness, with an air of offended importance. "Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the failing usually attributed to travellers?"

      CXXXIV.—NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.

      A prisoner in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he had a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutual benefit. Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been thinking," said he, "that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here, and put you to the expense of seven groats a week. My being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and who knows what it may cost you in the end! Therefore, what I propose is this: You shall let me out of prison, and, instead of seven groats, you shall allow me only eighteenpence a week, and the other tenpence shall go towards the discharging of the debt."

      CXXXV.—EPIGRAM.

      (On the column to the Duke of York's memory.)

      In former times the illustrious dead were burned,

       Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned;

       This column, then, commemorates the part Which custom makes us single out—the heart; You ask, "How by a column this is done?" I answer, "'Tis a hollow thing of stone."

      CXXXVI.—FLATTERY TURNED TO ADVANTAGE.

      A dependant was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not possess. "I will do all in my power to prevent you lying," answered he.

      CXXXVII.—THE INTRUDER REBUKED.

      Jerrold and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern. After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a chop at a separate table in the apartment. The company assented, and the stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was introduced, ate his chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snoring so loudly and inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted to Jerrold, "I know you, Mr. Jerrold; but you shall not make a butt of me!"—"Then don't bring your hog's head in here," was the prompt reply.

      CXXXVIII.—CRITICAL POLITENESS.

      A young author reading a

Скачать книгу