LITMIR.BIZ

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parchment, and near the middle of it was a note in the margin: 'About this time the world was created.'"

      III.—A BAD EXAMPLE.

      A certain noble lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs and his drink water. "What! madam," said he, "would you have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish?"

      IV.—A CONFIRMED INVALID.

      A poor woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length recognized by the bishop. "Pray, have I not seen you here before?" said his lordship. "Yes," replied the woman, "I get me conform'd as often as I can; they tell me it is good for the rheumatis."

      V.—COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.

      Lord Chancellor Hardwick's bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, "I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship's size."

      VI.—AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS.

      The following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:—

      "Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames,

       And to such arrant nonsense sign your names,

       The diamond quit—with me the pencil take,

       So shall your shame but short duration make; For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet, With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet, Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell Who 't was that wrote so ill!—and loved so well!"

      VII.—NO HARM DONE.

      A man of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had called the other ugly? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then, I shall soon make up the quarrel."

      VIII.—BEARDING A BARBER.

      A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. "Tippence," said the Highlander. "No, no," says the shaver; "I'll give you a penny, and if that does not satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked what he had to pay. "A penny," says Strap. "I'll gie ye a baubee," says Duncan, "and if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again."

      IX.—CHANGING HIS COAT.

      A wealthy merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded, by saying, "Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But then his condition; how can I introduce him?"—"Nonsense," replied his companion; "introduce him as a Liveryman of the city of London. What is more honorable?"

      X.—GOOD ADVICE.

      Lady—— spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. "I know no method so effectual, my lady," replied the butler, "as placing a barrel of good ale by it."

      XI.—NEW RELATIONSHIP.

      A stranger to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother," expressed his surprise. "Oh," said one present, "they are brothers—brothers-in-law."

      XII.—A SMALL INHERITANCE.

      It was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: "It is the little inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears; and, to the astonishment of those present, Mitford, the Solicitor-General, began to weep. "Just look at Mitford," said a by-stander to Horne Tooke; "what on earth is he crying for?" Tooke replied, "He is crying to think what a small inheritance Eldon's children are likely to get."

      XIII.—A DIFFERENCE.

      Jerrold one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. "I'm aware of that; you're the Scotchman with the i-t-c-h in your name," said Jerrold.

      XIV.—THE LIGHT SUBJECT.

      The government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of one fourth. "This at least," said a sufferer, "may be called, giving them some quarter."

      XV.—COMPLIMENTARY.

      Lord North, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his physician after it, "Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some old acquaintances."—"Who are they, my lord?"—"My ribs," replied his lordship, "which I have not felt for many years until now."

      XVI.—A FAIR SUBSTITUTE.

      When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that probably the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the honor. "Well, but," said Lord S., "perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it."—"Then let the king knight her," answered the rough seaman.

      XVII.—A CONSTITUTIONAL PUN.

      Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore. "Upon what subject?" said Daniel. "The king," answered the other. "O, sir," said he, "the king is no subject."

      XVIII.—A CONVERT.

      A notorious miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed, "This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have almost a mind to turn beggar."

      XIX.—INCREDIBLE.

      Sheridan made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots; these attracting the notice of some of his friends, "Now guess," said he, "how I came by these boots?" Many probable guesses then took place. "No!" said Sheridan, "no, you've not hit it, nor ever will—I bought them, and paid for them!"

      XX.—ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

      In a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of many parents in that respect. "I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year."—"Yes, father, I must confess you allowed it; but then it was never paid."

      XXI.—SPIRITUAL AND SPIRITUOUS.

      Dr. Pitcairn had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church, probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that gentleman of having been a warm admirer of Calvinism), and seeing the parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject: "What makes the man greet?" said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him. "By my faith, sir," answered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too, if you were in his place, and had as little to say."—"Come along with me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a fellow to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.

      XXII.—A

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