More Toasts - Various

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As soon as I took yere note ye'd draw the twenty poonds, would ye no?"

      Donald could not deny that he would.

      "I ken ye weel, Donald," the laird continued, "and I ken that in three months ye'd nae be ready to pay me ma money. Then, ye ken, we'd quarrel. But if we're to quarrel, Donald, I'd rather do it noo, when I hae ma twenty poonds in ma pocket."

      ASKER—"Could you lend me a V?"

      TELLIT—"No, I couldn't."

      ASKER—"Have you a friend that would lend me a V?"

      TELLIT—"No. I have not a friend to spare."

      "Has Owens ever paid back that $10 you loaned him a year ago?"

      "Oh, yes; he borrowed $25 more from me last week and only took $15."

      An Oriental story tells us of a man who was asked to lend a rope to a neighbor. His reply was that he was in need of the rope just then.

      "Shall you need it a long time?" asked the neighbor.

      "I think I shall," replied the owner, "as I am going to tie up some sand with it."

      "Tie up sand!" exclaimed the would-be borrower. "I do not see how you can do that!"

      "Oh, you can do almost anything with a rope when you do not want to lend it," was the reply.

      MISS PRITTIKID—"But, father, he is a man you can trust."

      HER PA—"Gracious, girl; what I want is one I can borrow from."

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      MR. PENN—"They say the streets in Boston are frightfully crooked."

      MR. HUBB—"They are. Why, do you know, when I first went there I could hardly find my way around."

      "That must be embarrassing."

      "It is. The first week I was there I wanted to get rid of an old cat we had, and my wife got me to take it to the river a mile away."

      "And you lost the cat all right?"

      "Lost nothing! I never would have found my way home if I hadn't followed the cat!"

      Owing to the war a distinguished Boston man, deprived of his summer trip to Europe, went to the Pacific coast instead. Stopping off at Salt Lake City, he strolled about the city and made the acquaintance of a little Mormon girl.

      "I'm from Boston," he said to her. "I suppose you do not know where Boston is?"

      "Oh, yes, I do," answered the little girl eagerly. "Our Sunday-school has a missionary there."

      The motorist was a stranger in Boston's streets. It was evening. A man approached.

      "Sir," said he, "your beacon has ceased its functions."

      "What?" gasped the astonished driver.

      "Your illuminator, I say, is shrouded in unmitigated oblivion."

      "I don't quite—"

      "The effulgence of your irradiator has evanesced."

      "My dear fellow, I—"

      "The transversal ether oscillations in your incandenser have been discontinued."

      Just then a little newsboy came over and said:

      "Say, mister, yer lamp's out!"

      Senator Hoar used to tell with glee of a Southerner just home from New England who said to his friend, "You know those little white round beans?"

      "Yes," replied the friend; "the kind we feed to our horses?"

      "The very same. Well, do you know, sir, that in Boston the enlightened citizens take those little white round beans, boil them with molasses and I know not what other ingredients, bake them, and then—what do you suppose they do with the beans?"

      "They—"

      "They eat 'em, sir," interrupted the first Southerner impressively; "bless me, sir, they eat 'em!"

      The newly married couple had gone West to live, and as the Christmas season drew nigh she became homesick.

      "Even the owls are different here," she sighed.

      "And how is that?" he asked.

      "Here they say 'To-hoot-to-who,' and in Boston they say 'To-hoot-to-whom.'"

      "Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."

      "Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down.' He's a Boston terrier."

      "Well, the Red Sox won the world's series."

      "Yes," said the Boston girl, "we feel very proud of the Red—er—the Red Hose."

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      A Boy Scout's Will

      I, John W. Bradshaw, pioneer scout of the Wolf Patrol, having attained the age of maturity and realizing that my Boy Scout days are numbered, do hereby give, devise and bequeath my scout assets, tangible and intangible, as follows, to wit:

      My uniform, pack and equipment, to Larry O'Toole, the son of my mother's laundress, to be preserved for him until he is old enough to use them;

      My scout's manual, axe and compass, to George Washington Jackson, 3d, son of my father's handy man, with the admonition that he organize, if possible, a troop of scouts among the colored boys of the village;

      My strap watch with the "see by night" dial, to Roscoe, my small brother, who has wanted it ever since he learned to tell time;

      My waterproof match box and hunting knife, to James Fanning, to be held in trust until he can repeat the Scout Oath;

      To all boys in general I bequeath the knowledge that the Boy Scout organization teaches obedience, bravery, loyalty, self-respect, kindness, thrift, cleanliness and reverence; that it makes men of its members, and that no boy can possibly go wrong by joining it.

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      "I see they are making shingles out of cement now."

      "Then I recall my wish to be a boy again."

      One of Theodore Roosevelt's sons, when small, was playing in the Washington streets when a woman recognized him and said she didn't think his father would like his playing with so many "common boys."

      "My father says there are no common boys," replied the young Roosevelt.

      "He says there are only tall boys and short boys, and good boys and bad boys, and that's all the kinds of boys there are."

      Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection from the green grocer's cart, and the latter told the boy to take a handful of nuts, but the child shook his head.

      "What's the matter, don't you like nuts?" asked the green grocer.

      "Yes," replied Johnny.

      "Then go ahead and take some."

      Johnny hesitated, whereupon the green grocer put a generous handful in Johnny's cap.

      After the man had driven on the mother asked: "Why didn't you take the nuts when he told you to?"

      Johnny winked as he said: "'Cause his hand was bigger'n mine."

      Golly!

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