More Toasts - Various

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bet, saying: "I'd loike to see ye thry thot same. I'll bet yez fifty cints on it."

      Before he knew it Mike had him in his hod and was going up the ladder. When he got to the fourth story his foot slipped and he almost fell. He regained his footing, however, and reached the fifth story in triumph.

      "Oi won!" he said.

      "Yez did thot," said Pat, "but Oi had high hopes when yer foot slipped."

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      Senator Simmons was discussing the proposed war-tax on automobile-owners. "Making war-taxes," he said, "isn't pleasant work. It puts one in the position of the facetious minister at Ocean Grove who took a little girl on his knee, and said:

      "'I don't love you, Nellie.'"

      All the ladies on the breeze-swept veranda laughed, but little Nellie frowned and said:

      "'You've got to love me. You've got to.'"

      "'Got to? How so?'" laughed the divine.

      "'Because,' said Nellie stoutly, 'you've got to love them that hate you—and I hate you, goodness knows!'"

      "The Bible tells us we should love our neighbors," said the good deacon.

      "Yes, but the Bible was written before our neighbors lived so close," replied the mere man.

      WILLIE—"Paw, why is the way of the transgressor hard?"

      PAW—"Because so many people have tramped on it, my son."

      Little Marie was sitting on her grandfather's knee one day, and after looking at him intently for a time she said:

      "Grandpa, were you in the ark?"

      "Certainly not, my dear," answered the astonished old man.

      "Then why weren't you drowned?"

      A bashful curate found the young ladies in the parish too helpful. At last it became so embarrassing that he left.

      Not long afterward—he met the curate who had succeeded him.

      "Well," he asked, "how do you get on with the ladies?"

      "Oh, very well indeed," said the other. "There is safety in numbers, you know."

      "Ah!" was the instant reply. "I only found it in Exodus."

      Bishop Hoss said at a Nashville picnic:

      "The religious knowledge of too many adults resembles, I am afraid, the religious knowledge of little Eve.

      "'So you attend Sunday-school regularly?' the minister said to little Eve."

      "'Oh, yes, sir.'"

      "'And you know your Bible?'"

      "'Oh, yes, sir.'"

      "'Could you perhaps tell me something that is in it?'"

      "'I could tell you everything that's in it.'"

      "'Indeed,' and the minister smiled. 'Do tell me, then.'"

      "'Sister's beau's photo is in it,' said little Eve, promptly, 'and ma's recipe for vanishin' cream is in it, and a lock of my hair cut off when I was a baby is in it, and the ticket for pa's watch is in it.'"

      "Bobby, do you know you've deliberately broken the eighth commandment by stealing James's candy?"

      "Well, I thought I might as well break the eighth commandment and have the candy as to break the tenth and only 'covet' it."—Life.

      "I thought you were preaching, Uncle Bob," said the Colonel, to whom the elderly negro had applied for a job.

      "Yessah, Ah wuz," replied Uncle; "but Ah guess Ah ain't smaht enough to expound de Scriptures. Ah almost stahved to deff tryin' to explain de true meanin' uv de line what says 'De Gospel am free.' Dem fool niggahs thought dat it meant dat Ah wuzn't to git no salary."

      The college boys played a mean trick on "Prexy" by pasting some of the leaves of his Bible together. He rose to read the morning lesson, which might have been as follows:

      "Now Johial took unto himself a wife of the daughters of Belial." (He turned a leaf.) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth." (A pause and careful scrutiny of the former page.)

      He resumed: "Now Johial took unto himself a wife," etc. (Leaf turned.) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth, and was pitched within and without—" (Painful pause and sounds of subdued mirth.) "Prexy" turns back again in perplexity.

      "Young gentlemen, I can only add that 'Man is fearfully and wonderfully made'—and woman also."

      See also Drinking.

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      The Bugamist.

      A June bug married an angleworm;

      An accident cut her in two.

      They charged the bug with bigamy;

      Now what could the poor thing do?

      —Punch Bowl.

      A tariff expert of Kansas City said in a recent address:

      "The average tariff argument is amusing in its ignorance. It reminds me of a certain Kansas City police court.

      "A policeman rose in this court to testify against a prisoner.

      "'Wot's this here feller charged with?' the magistrate demanded.

      "'Bigotry, judge,' the police answered. 'He's got three wives.'

      "'Three!' cried the magistrate. 'Why, you ignoramus, that ain't bigotry. That's trigonometry!'"

      "I left my money at home," said the lady on the train to the conductor. "You will have to trust me. I am one of the directors' wives."

      "I am sorry, madam," replied the conductor. "I can't do that, even if you were the director's only wife."

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      COLLECTOR—"Did you look at that little bill I left yesterday, sir?"

      HOUSE MEMBER—"Yes; it has passed the first reading."

      Daniel Webster was once sued by his butcher for a bill of long standing. Before his suit was settled he met the butcher on the street and, to the man's great embarrassment, stopped to ask why he had ceased sending around for his order.

      "Why, Mr. Webster," said the tradesman, "I did not think you would want to deal with me when I've brought suit against you."

      "Tut! tut!" said Mr. Webster, "sue me all you wish, but for heaven's sake don't try to starve me to death!"

      "My doctor told me I would have to quit eating so much meat."

      "Did you laugh him to scorn?'"

      "I did at first; but when he sent in his bill, I found he was right."

      TOMMY—"Why do the ducks dive?"

      HARP—"Guess they must want to liquidate their bills."

      Bill Sprague kept a general store at Croyden Four Corners. One day he set off for New York to buy a lot of goods. The goods were shipped immediately; and as Bill had lingered in New York sightseeing, they reached Croyden Four Corners before him. The goods in

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