More Toasts - Various

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were driven to the general store by the local teamster. Mrs. Sprague came out to see what had arrived and, with a shriek, tottered and fell.

      "Oh, what's the matter, ma'am?" cried the hired girl.

      Mrs. Sprague, her eyes blinded with tears, pointed to the packing-case, whereon was stenciled in large black letters: "BILL INSIDE."

      When you do not intend to pay a bill there is nothing like being decisive in your refusal. The other day a bookseller had an "account rendered" returned to him with the following reply scrawled across the billhead: "Dear Sir—I never ordered this beastly book. If I did, you didn't send it. If you sent it, I never got it. If I got it, I paid for it. If I didn't, I won't. Now go and hang yourself, you fathead.—Yours very respectfully, John Jones."

      PATIENT—"Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up—something to put me in fighting-trim. Did you put anything like that in this prescription?"

      DOCTOR—"No. You will find that in the bill."—Judge.

      See also Debts; Collecting of accounts.

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      VISITOR (at private hospital)—"Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?"

      MATRON—"We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you're a relative?"

      VISITOR (boldly)—"Oh, yes! I'm his sister."

      MATRON—"Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm his mother."—Punch.

      Yes, life's like poker sure enough. It pays to know just when to bluff.

      Half-way up the steep hill the stage-coach stopped. For the seventh time the driver climbed down from his seat and opened and slammed the rear door.

      "What do you do that for?" asked a passenger, whose curiosity had got the better of him.

      "Sh-h; spake aisy. Don't let th' mare 'ear yer," cautioned the driver. "Every toime she 'ears th' door shut she thinks some one has got down, and it starrts 'er up quicker loike."

      Ollie James is a big man personally and politically. He is a United States senator from Kentucky, and he weighs a trifle more than three hundred and fifty pounds.

      On one occasion, in traveling from New York to Washington, he barely caught the midnight train, and discovered that the only berth left was an upper. Having learned from experience that the process of coiling up his three hundred and fifty pounds and his six feet three inches in an upper berth was tough stuff, he was indignant. He was particularly enraged when he noticed that the lower directly under his berth was occupied by a small man who tipped the scales at not more than a hundred and twenty.

      Ollie grasped the curtains of the berth, shook them vigorously, growled once or twice, and remarked vindictively to the porter:

      "So I've got to sleep in an upper, have I? The last time I did that it was on a trip from Frankfort to Washington, and the blamed thing broke down and mashed the man under me. Throw that grip up there, and I hope to Heaven the berth will hold me."

      Then he went back to the smoker and had a cigar.

      When he returned, the little man was in the upper.

      As it is

      Weep and you are called a baby,

      Laugh and you are called a fool,

      Yield and you're called a coward,

      Stand and you're called a mule,

      Smile and they'll call you silly,

      Frown and they'll call you gruff,

      Put on a front like a millionaire,

      And somebody calls you a bluff.

      A successful old lawyer tells the following story anent the beginning of his professional life: "I had just installed myself in my office," he said, "had put in a phone and had preened myself for my first client who might come along when, through the glass of my door I saw a shadow. Yes, it was doubtless some one to see me. Picture me, then, grabbing the nice, shiny receiver of my new phone and plunging into an imaginary conversation. It ran something like this: 'Yes, Mr. S.,' I was saying as the stranger entered the office, 'I'll attend to that corporation matter for you. Mr. J. had me on the phone this morning and wanted me to settle a damage suit, but I had to put him off, as I was too busy with other cases. But I'll manage to sandwich your case in between the others somehow. Yes. Yes. All right. Goodby.' Being sure, then, that I had duly impressed my prospective client, I hung up the receiver and turned to him. 'Excuse me, sir,' the man said, 'but I'm from the telephone company. I've come to connect your instrument.'"

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      Strolling along the quays of New York harbor, an Irishman came across the wooden barricade which is placed around the inclosure where immigrants suspected of suffering from contagious diseases are isolated.

      "Phwat's this fince for?" he inquired of a bystander.

      "Oh," was the reply; "that's to keep out fever and things like that, you know."

      "Indade!" said Pat. "Oi've often heard of the board of health, but bejabers, it's the first time Oi've seen it!"

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      The fare at a certain boarding-house was very poor. A boarder who had been there for some time, because he could not get away, was standing in the hall when the landlord rang the dinner-bell. Whereupon an old dog that was lying outside on a rug commenced to howl mournfully.

      The boarder watched him a little while and then said: "What on earth are you howling for? You don't have to eat it!"

      In the soft firelight even the boarding-house sitting-room looked cozy and attractive. The warmth and comfort thawed the heart of the "star" boarder. He turned to the landlady and murmured. "Will you be my wife?"

      "Let me see," replied the landlady, "you have been here four years. You have never once grumbled at the food or failed to pay my bill promptly and without question. No, sir, I'm sorry. You're too good a boarder to be put on the free list!"

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      The engineer had become tired of the boastful talk he heard from the other engine drivers at his boarding-house. One evening he began:

      "This morning I went over to see a new machine we've got at our place, and it's astonishing how it works."

      "And how does it work?" asked one.

      "Well," was the reply, "by means of a pedal attachment a fulcrumed lever concerts a vertical reciprocating motion into a circular movement. The principal part of the machine is a huge disk that revolves in a vertical plane. Power is applied through the axis of the disk, and work is done on the periphery, and the hardest steel by mere impact may be reduced to any shape."

      "What is this wonderful machine?" was asked.

      "A grindstone," was the reply.

      Senator Tillman was arguing the tariff with an opponent.

      "You know I never boast," the opponent began.

      "Never boast? Splendid!" said Senator Tillman, and he added

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