LITMIR.BIZ

Скачать книгу

separate air-tight compartments—my friendships in one, my sex instincts in another—to be kept under and repressed by the public-school code as I conceived it.

      "It is needless to say that I was continually troubled by the customary sex phenomena: erotic dreams, loss of semen, troublesome erections at night, etc. These I repressed as best I could, by habitual masturbation and by the regular diet and exercise which academic life made possible. At one time, for the period of a year I should say, I tried to overcome the desire for masturbation by gradual stages, on the principle of the drunkard's cure by which he took every day less tipple by the insertion of one pebble more in his bottle. I marked on my calendar the erotic dreams and the nights on which I masturbated, and sought gradually to extend the intervening periods. Six weeks, however, was the longest time for which I was able to abstain."

      A few years later the writer of this communication formed an intimate relationship (in which he did not make the first advances) with a youth, some years younger than himself and of lower social class, whose development he was able to assist. "But for my part," he remarks, "I owe him as much as I gave him, for his love lighted up the gold of affection that was in me and consumed the dross. It was from him that I first learned that there was no such thing as a hard-and-fast line between the physical and the spiritual in friendship." This relationship lasted for some years, when the young man married; its effects are described as very beneficial to both parties; all the sexual troubles vanished, together with the desire to masturbate. "Everything in life began to sing with joy, and what little of real creative work I may have done I attribute largely to the power of work that was born in me during those years."

      HISTORY XIV.—Scotchman, aged 38. His paternal ancestors were normal, so far as he knows. His mother belonged to a very eccentric old Celtic family. Soon after 5 he became so enamored of a young shepherd that the boy had to be sent away. He practised masturbation many years before the age of puberty, and attaches importance to this as a factor in the evolution of his homosexual life.

      He has had erotic dreams rarely about men, about women more frequently. While indifferent to women, he has no repulsion toward them. He has had connection with women two or three times, but without experiencing the same passionate emotions as with men.

      He would like a son, but he has never been able to get up the necessary amount of passion to lead to marriage.

      He has always had a sentimental and Platonic affection for men. Of late years he has formed two friendships with adults of an affectionate and also erotic character. He cares little for anything beyond mutual masturbation and kissing; what he desires is the love of the male.

      In appearance there is nothing abnormal about him except an air of youth. He is vigorous both in body and mind, and has enormous power of resisting fatigue. He is an excellent man of business. Is a patient student. He sees no harm in his homosexual passions. He is averse to promiscuity. His ideal is a permanent union which includes sexual relations.

      HISTORY XV.—T. S., artist, aged 32. "I was born in England. My father was a Jew, the first to marry out of his family and to marry a Christian. My great-grandparents were cousins; he was a German and she was a Dane. My grandparents were also cousins; he was a Swede and she was a Dane.

      "My maternal grandfather was an English Protestant, and my maternal grandmother was Irish, fanatically Roman Catholic, and a very eccentric woman.

      "In my father's family there have been many members of note. In my mother's family there were many renowned lawyers.

      "My father had an elder brother who was homosexual. He was already, at 31 years of age, a prominent author, when he died of consumption. I have also a second cousin on my father's side who is a very good tenor; he is also homosexual. In my mother's family I know of nothing abnormal.

      "In neither family is there or has there been any insanity, but rather an overwealth of brain.

      "My parents were an ideally happy couple. They were engaged after knowing each other six days, and after being separated three months they married. They were married thirty-five years without a quarrel. I have a brother three years older, born a year after their marriage, and a sister seven years younger.

      "My brother takes after his father in appearance. He is a great lover of women and much spoiled by them. He is quite normal and abstemious.

      "My sister is a very womanly woman. As a girl she disapproved very much of girl friendships and always confided in her mother. At 13 years of age she met the man she is now married to. They waited ten years before marrying and are now an ideally happy couple. My sister is perfectly normal and very abstemious.

      "I lived my first ten years in England, eighteen years in Sweden, two years in Denmark, two years in Bavaria, Austria, and Italy, and am now living in Berlin. I consider myself English. I am mentally a man, but all my physical feelings and desires are those of a woman.

      "I am middle height and very slight. Weigh 106 English pounds, without clothes. My hands and feet are small and well-shaped. Head of normal size. Features small. Eyes green. Have worn glasses since I was 7 years old. Complexion fair. Appearance not Jewish. The skin of my body is very white, without blemish. Very little hair on my face. Hair on head and abdomen luxuriant. No hair whatever on stomach and chest. Color of hair auburn everywhere except below navel, that black. (My father's, mother's, and brother's hair was brown. My sister has auburn hair, and so had the aforementioned uncle.) My breasts are slightly round; my hips are normal. I do not gesticulate much. From my material self it would be difficult to draw the conclusion that I was homosexual. My sexual organs are normal.

      "My disposition is apparently bright, but in reality melancholy. Have very little love for human nature, but have a partiality for the British and Jewish races. Hate business, politics, sports, and society. Love music, art, literature, and nature. Deep interest in mysticism. Am clairvoyant. Have been used many times as a medium. Lead two separate lives, an outer and inner psychic life. Am a fatalist and a theosophist. Profound belief in reincarnation, always have had, because when I was a little child I could 'remember' so much. Have an excellent memory, dating back to my third year. Have always been too self-analytical. Have from my earliest childhood felt myself an alien. Am very sensitive, physically and psychically. Have no wish to wear woman's clothing or do woman's work. As to clothes for myself, I prefer black and not much jewelry.

      "I could only love a perfectly manly man from 21 to 40 years of age. He must be physically beautiful and well made. Size of sexual organs plays no part. The muscles must be developed and the hands must be especially well shaped. Hands are my fetish. (I could never love anyone with ugly hands.) He must have no odor issuing from his body (though I do not dislike faint perfume when clothed), and, above all, never have a bad breath. He must be intelligent, love music, art, literature, and nature. He must be refined and cultured and have been about the world. He must have simplicity in behavior, dress, and manner, and, above all, be clean-bodied as clean-minded. Cynicism I cannot stand. (Here I may state I once owned a St. Bernard dog which reminded me much of my ideal. He was always sedate, always loving, and faithful; generally quiet. He only got excited when out in the elements.) I have not been able to get on with people who have no sense of humor. From my birth I was physically weak. First I suffered from eczema. Being born with a double squint, I was operated on at 2½ and again at 3½ years of age, with excellent result. From 4 to 12 years of age I had convulsions (often), and all the illnesses of childhood. At the age of 12½ years I took scarlet fever, followed by a weak heart, which grew stronger after a year, and Bright's disease, which lasted fifteen years with hardly a break. This illness had its wonted effect of producing melancholia and upsetting the whole nervous system. Bright's disease stopped suddenly but was followed by a succession of illnesses. Then I had neuritis very badly. I then removed to Bavaria, and to regain nervous strength I was treated by Freud's psychoanalytical method, with great success. I had a very bad relapse, as my brother, who had just heard I was homosexual, came to visit me and threatened to have me put under guardians, if my father should die. It took me weeks to recover from the shock. We broke off all intercourse and though my brother has been several times in the same town where I have been, we remain strangers. At this time my father died suddenly. Last spring four suicides of friends in so many weeks had a very bad effect on my nerves. I am now in Berlin

Скачать книгу