LITMIR.BIZ

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      "As is usually the case, my parents neglected to impart to me any sexual knowledge, and such as I possessed was gathered furtively from tainted sources, bad boys' talk at school and elsewhere. My elders let me know, in a vague way, that talk of the kind was wicked, and natural timidity and a wish to be 'good' kept me from learning much about sexual matters. As I never went to boarding-school, I was spared, perhaps, many of the degrading initiations administered by knowing boys at such institutions.

      "In spite of what has been said above, I do not believe that I was sexually very precocious, and even now I feel that more pleasure would ensue from merely contemplating than from personal contact with the object of my amorous attentions.

      "As I grew older there came, of course, an undefined physical longing, but it was the beauty of those I admired which mainly appealed to me. At the time of puberty I spontaneously acquired the habit of masturbation. Once while bathing I found that a pleasant feeling came with touching the sexual organs. It was not long before I was confirmed in the habit. At first I practised it but seldom, but afterward much more frequently (say, once a week), though at times months have elapsed without any indulgences on my part. I have only had erotic dreams three or four times in my life. The masturbation habit I regard as morally reprehensible and have made many resolutions to break it, but without avail. It affords me only the most momentary satisfaction, and is always followed by remorseful scruples.

      "I have never in my life had any sexual feeling for a woman, nor any sexual connection with any woman whatsoever. The very thought of such a thing is excessively repugnant and disgusting to me. This is true, apart from any moral considerations, and I do not think I could bring myself to it. I am not attracted by young women in any way. Even their physical beauty has little or no charm for me, and I often wonder how men can be so affected by it. On the other hand, I am not a woman-hater, and have several strong friends of the opposite sex. They are, however, women older than myself, and our friendship is based solely on certain intellectual or esthetic tastes we have in common.

      "I have had practically no physical relations with men; at any rate, none specifically sexual. Once, when about 19 or 21, I started to embrace a beautifully formed youth with whom I was sleeping, but timidity and scruples got the better of my feelings, and, as my bedfellow was not amorously inclined toward me, nothing came of it. A few years after this I became strongly attached to a friend whom I had already known for several years. Circumstances threw us very much together during one summer. It was now that I felt for the first time the full shock of love. He returned my affection, but both of us were shy of showing our feelings or speaking of them. Often when walking together after night-fall we would put our arms about each other. Sometimes, too, when sleeping together we would lie in close contact, and my friend once suggested that I put my legs against his. He frequently begged me to spend the night with him; but I began to fear my feelings, and slept with him but seldom. We neither of us had any definite ideas about homosexual relations, and, apart from what I have related above, we had no further contact with each other. A few months after our amorous feelings had developed my friend died. His death caused me great distress, and my naturally religious temperament began to manifest itself quite strongly. At this time, too, I first read some writings of Mr. Addington Symonds, and certain allusions in his work, coupled with my recent experience, soon stirred me to a full consciousness of my inverted nature.

      "About eight months after my friend's death I happened to meet in a strange town a youth of about my own age who exerted upon me a strong and instant attraction. He possessed a refined, handsome face, was gracefully built, and, though he was rather undemonstrative, we soon became fast friends.

      "We were together only for a few days, when I was obliged to leave for my home, and the parting caused me great unhappiness and depression. A few months after we spent a vacation together. One day during our trip we went swimming, and undressed in the same bathhouse. When I saw my friend naked for the first time he seemed to me so beautiful that I longed to throw my arms about him and cover him with kisses. I kept my feelings hidden, however, hardly daring to look at him for fear of being unable to restrain my desires. Several times afterward, in his room, I saw him stripped, with the same effect upon my emotions. Until I had seen him naked my feelings for him were not of a physical character, but afterward I longed for actual contact, but only by embraces and kisses. Though he was fond of me, he had absolutely no amorous longings for me, and being a simple, pure-minded fellow, would have loathed me for mine and my inverted nature. I was careful never to let him discover it, and I was made very unhappy when he confided that he was in love with a young girl whom he wished to marry. This episode took place several years ago, and though we are still friends my emotional feelings for him have cooled considerably.

      "I have always been very shy of showing any affectionate tendencies. Most of my acquaintances (and close friends even) think me curiously cold, and often wonder why I have never fallen in love or married. For obvious reasons I have never been able to tell them.

      "Three or four years ago a little book by Coventry Patmore fell into my hands, and from its perusal resulted a strange blending of my religious and erotic notions. The desire to love and be loved is hard to drown, and, when I realized that homosexually it was neither lawful nor possible for me to love in this world, I began to project my longings into the next. By birth I am a Roman Catholic, and in spite of a somewhat skeptical temper, manage to remain one by conviction.

      "From the doctrines of the Trinity, Incarnation, and Eucharist, I have drawn conclusions which would fill the minds of the average pietist with holy horror; nevertheless I believe that (granting the premises) these conclusions are both logically and theologically defensible. The Divinity of my fancied paradise resembles in no way the vapid conceptions of Fra Angelico, or the Quartier St. Sulpice. His physical aspect, at least, would be better represented by some Praxitilean demigod or Flandrin's naked, brooding boy.

      "While these imaginings have caused me considerable moral disquietude, they do not seem wholly reprehensible, because I feel that the chief happiness I would derive by their realization would be mainly from the contemplation of the loved one, rather than from closer joys.

      "I possess only a slight knowledge of the history and particulars of erotic mysticism, but it is likely that my notions are neither new nor peculiar, and many utterances of the few mystical writers with whose works I am acquainted seem substantially in accord with my own longings and conclusions. In endeavoring to find for them some sanction of valid authority, I have always sought corroboration from members of my own sex; hence am less likely to have fashioned my views after those of hypersensitive or hysterical women.

      "You will rightly infer that it is difficult for me to say exactly how I regard (morally) the homosexual tendency. Of this much, however, I am certain, that, even, if it were possible, I would not exchange my inverted nature for a normal one. I suspect that the sexual emotions and even inverted ones have a more subtle significance than is generally attributed to them; but modern moralists either fight shy of transcendental interpretations or see none, and I am ignorant and unable to solve the mystery these feelings seem to imply.

      "Patmore speaks boldly enough, in his way, and Lacordaire has hinted at things, but in a very guarded manner. I have neither the ability nor opportunity to study what the mystics of the Middle Ages have to say along these lines, and, besides, the medieval way of looking at things is not congenial to me. The chief characteristic of my tendency is an overpowering admiration for male beauty, and in this I am more akin to the Greeks.

      "I have absolutely no words to tell you how powerfully such beauty affects me. Moral and intellectual worth is, I know, of greater value, but physical beauty I see more clearly, and it appears to me the most vivid (if not the most perfect) manifestation of the divine. A little incident may, perhaps, reveal to you my feelings more completely. Not long ago I happened to see an unusually well-formed young fellow enter a house of assignation with a common woman of the streets. The sight filled me with the keenest anguish, and the thought that his beauty would soon be at the disposal of a prostitute made me feel as if I were a powerless and unhappy witness to a sacrilege. It may be that my rage for male loveliness is only another outbreaking of the old Platonic mania, for as time goes on I find that I long less for the actual youth before me, and more and more for some ideal, perfect being whose bodily splendor and loving heart are the realities whose

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