LITMIR.BIZ

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as thick as laurels on a soldier's brow. We had not bagged more than a bushel, when we were pounced upon by three keepers, and taken prisoners to the barracks. The three boys who were my companions on this excursion got two dozen stripes; I lost my two as fife-major, and was turned back to my original post as drummer, or rather as fifer. This severe punishment did not arise from the enormity of purloining the nuts, but from the fact of our being found some four miles from the cantonment. Under these circumstances we might have been taken up as deserters, and the keepers have received two pounds each man; so that, upon the whole, we had reason to be grateful that the more serious offence was not urged against us.

      Shortly after this unfortunate occurrence, the regiment was ordered to proceed to the barracks at Hilsea, Portsmouth. This was soldiering in clover; and good living, fresh scenes, faces, and events, conspired to make me, in a measure, forget the stripes which I had lost. I was not long on the march, before I became as knowing as the best of them, and was soon well versed in the tricks of the road. I found that it was the practice of some of the landlords to give us fat pea-soup, and of others to regale us with greasy suet dumplings, as heavy as lead, by way of taking off the edge of our appetites. These dishes I invariably avoided, stating that they were injurious to my constitution, or that the doctors had forbidden me to eat such food. I therefore waited for the more substantial fare—the roast and the boiled—which I attacked with such zest, as could not fail to convince the landlord of the delicacy of my constitution, and of the absolute necessity of my refraining from less substantial diet. In two hours after dinner the duff and pea-soup eaters were as hungry as ever; but I kept my own counsel, and thus was enabled to go on my way with a smiling countenance that indicated good and substantial fare.

      When we were treated in the scurvy way I have spoken of by the landlords on our line of march, we never failed to leave some token of our displeasure behind us. Thus, one day at Chelmsford, we were compelled to submit to dreadful bad quarters; and even the extreme delicacy of my constitution, which had so often succeeded with me before, could not, on this occasion, induce our host to give us anything but greasy puddings and fat stews, made of the offal of his house for the last month. The fat on the top of this heterogeneous mixture was an inch thick; and I, for my own part, protested that I could not and would not eat it. Finding me so positive, he privately slipped a shilling into my hand to quiet me, which I did not think it expedient to refuse. This bribe tended, in some degree, to pacify me; but my comrades, on quitting the house, evinced their disapprobation of the treatment they had met with, by writing with a lighted candle on the ceiling, "D——d bad quarters—How are you off for pea-soup?—Lead dumplings—Lousy beds—Dirty sheets."

      This was the mildest description of punishment with which we visited landlords who incurred our displeasure; for, in addition to this, it did not require any very aggravated treatment to induce us to teach some of mine host's ducks and geese to march part of the way on the road with us; to wit, until we could get them dressed.

      These birds would sometimes find their way into drums. I was once myself a party concerned in a pilfering of this kind—at least, indirectly so; for I was accessory to the act of stealing a fine goose—a witness of its death, or rather, what we supposed its death—and an assistant in drumming it. Moreover, I do not doubt that I should have willingly lent a hand towards eating it also. The goose, however, was, in our opinion at least, very snugly secured, and we commenced our march without the least fear of detection, chuckling in our sleeves how completely we had eluded the landlord's vigilance. The bird only wanted dressing to complete the joke, and discussion was running high among us as to how that could be accomplished, when, to our astonishment, who should pass us on horseback but the landlord himself! He rode very coolly by, and, as he took no sort of notice of us, we concluded that he might very probably have other business on the road, and for a time we thought nothing more of the matter; but what were our feelings when, on halting in the market-place, we perceived this very landlord in earnest conversation with our colonel; and, to all appearance, "laying down the law," as it is called, in a most strenuous manner. At last, the colonel and he moved towards us; on perceiving which my knees broke into double-quick time, and my heart into a full gallop. On arriving near to the spot where our guilty party was drawn up, the colonel, addressing us, stated that, "the gentleman who stood by his side, complained that he had lost one of his geese, and had informed him he had good reason to suspect that some of the party to whom he now spoke had stolen it." For the satisfaction of "the gentleman," whom we, one and all, most heartily wished under ground, our knapsacks were ordered to be examined, and underwent the most scrupulous inspection; but no goose was to be found. Professing his regret for the trouble he had caused, and apparently satisfied that his suspicions were ill-founded, our worthy landlord was just on the point of leaving us, and the boys around were grinning with delight at the notion of having so effectually deceived him, when, to our utter confusion and dismay, the goose, at this very juncture, gave a deep groan, and the landlord protested roundly that "that there sound was from his goose." Upon this, the investigation was renewed with redoubled ardour; our great coats were turned inside out, and, in short, almost everything belonging to us was examined with the minutest attention; but still no goose was to be found. The officers could not refrain from smiling, and the boys began again to grin at the fun; but this merriment was doomed to be but of short duration, for the poor goose, now in its last moments, uttered another groan, more loud and mournful than the former one. In fact, the vital spark had just taken its flight; and this might be construed into the last dying speech of the ill-fated bird, and a full confession of its dreadful situation and murder. The drum, in which the now defunct goose was confined, stood close against the landlord's elbow, and his ear was, unfortunately for us, so correct in ascertaining whence the sound of woe proceeded, that he at once roared out, "Dang my buttons, if my goose bean't in that there drum!" These words were daggers to our souls; we made sure of as many stripes on our backs as there were feathers on the goose's; and our merriment was suddenly changed into mortification and despair. The drum-head was ordered to be taken off, and sure enough there lay poor goosey, as dead as a herring. The moment the landlord perceived it, he protested that "as he was a sinner, that was his goose." This assertion there was no one among us hardy enough to deny; and the colonel desired that the goose should be given up to the publican, assuring him, at the same time, that he should cause the offenders to be severely punished for the theft which had been committed. Fortunately for our poor backs, we now found a truly humane and kind-hearted man in the landlord whom we had offended; for, no sooner did he find that affairs were taking a more serious turn than he had contemplated, and that it was likely that he should be the cause of getting a child flogged, than he affected to doubt the identity of the goose; and, at length, utterly disclaimed it, saying to the colonel, "This is none of mine, Sir; I see it has a black spot on the back, whereas mine was pure white; besides, it has a black head: I wish you a good morning, Sir, and am very sorry for the trouble I have given you." Thus saying, he left us, muttering, as he went along, "Get a child flogged for a tarnation old goose? no, no!" Every step he took carried a ton weight off our hearts. Notwithstanding this generous conduct in the publican, who was also, by his own acknowledgment a sinner, our colonel saw very clearly how matters stood; but, in consideration of our youth, and that this was our first offence—at least that had been discovered—he contented himself with severely admonishing us; and the business ended, shortly after, with the demolition of the goose—roasted.

We remained at Hilsea Barracks for nearly a year, where we acquired the appellation of the "Red Knights," from our clothing being all of that colour. I do not recollect anything of importance that occurred to me at that place, except that I was condemned to pass a week in the black-hole there, for what the soldiers called "eating my shoes." This punishment I brought upon myself in the following manner. I had been out to receive my half-mounting, consisting of a pair of shoes, a shirt, two pair of stockings, and a stock; and, on my way home, as ill-luck would have it, an old woman, with whom I had frequently before had dealings, and who was well known, among us by the title of the plum-pudding woman, happened to throw herself in my way. Her pudding was smoking hot, I was exceedingly hungry, and my mouth watered so at the tempting sight, that I could not drag myself away. But, much as I longed for a slice, what was to be done? I had no money, and my friend the plum-pudding woman was by far too old a soldier to give trust till pay-day.[4] The pudding, however, it was impossible for me to dispense

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