LITMIR.BIZ

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was built like a linebacker. I was not the type to take crap from people though. Plus, I really didn’t care if she did hurt me.

      Everyone around our table was staring at us, anticipating a chick fight I assumed. I thought for sure I was about to get into my first fight. Then she smirked at me. “You’re alright kid,” she sat back down and started talking to one of the other girls. I had no idea what that was about. I didn’t think I seemed to be tough looking but she just dropped it. That group of girls was so strange to me. I felt so awkward sitting there with them all.

      I got up to throw my trash out and put my tray where it belonged. Red followed me. “You are in,” she said it like she was telling me I got back stage passes to the best concert in the world.

      “Uh, okay, thanks” I forced a smile at her and kept walking.

      “Well you should be thrilled. I am in by default. My sister is the older, prettier red head. Not just anyone gets to be in.” I really didn’t know what I was “in” but I thought I already wanted out.

      “Awesome, catch ya later.” I dumped my tray and walked away from Red.

      I found the bathroom. It had my name all over it. I just had a few more steps and then I could lock myself away for at least a little bit. I really wished I could have just gone home. I looked over as I was about to open the door and was stopped in my tracks. I saw Levi’s group of friends and they saw me. They did a somber nod and looked away from me as guilt filled their eyes.

      I ran into the bathroom and bust into the first stall I saw. I locked myself in it and cried. It was bad enough seeing them, but for them to look away from me hurt even more. It cut through me like a rusty ragged knife. They should have been able to understand my pain. They could have taken me in and we could have gone through losing Levi together, but they were leaving me here alone, just like they had done to Levi.

      I was foolish for thinking they would learn from Levi. I had hoped they would change. What more would it take for them? Was Levi’s death a waste? My mom and I both felt it would have helped if Levi’s death impacted others to turn from drugs. But, by the looks of them, it seemed to drive them further into them. I may be all dark and gloomy. I may have even begged God to take my life and at times I still wish my time here was through. But I am also wise enough to know my life is not mine to take. Are drugs really worth it? I wondered what they made you feel like and why Levi chose to throw his life away for them. To me, they just seemed to make people look and act stupid. Over time, so many people end up like Levi. I don’t think he intended to be an addict, but he was and before he knew it, he was into heavier deadlier things. I remember the day I walked in on him holding a bag of cocaine. At the time, I didn’t know what it was, but he still beat me up and told me not to tell mom. I started to feel sad for Levi’s friends. They needed help just like Levi did. Lord, please forgive them and help guide them to different choices.

      I stopped crying and calmed myself down. I really could not keep crying like this. I needed to pull myself into the dark numb place in my mind and stay there. I took in a few deep breaths, I walked out of the stall, and patted my face with cold water. I reached in my purse and touched up my face with some emergency makeup and sucked in one more deep and slow breath. I headed back out to the chaos. I walked out tall and strong and looked only where I was going. I could not look at them again, and thankfully, the bell rang. I could just keep on walking to my next class. Red found me and followed behind me. She was so bizarre to me, although I did find it comforting to have a little side kick.

      Red and I mostly stayed together, wordless, until a couple elective classes made us split. That was another one of my worst days; they seemed to be almost every day anymore. Today was supposed to be the day when Levi and I finally could be in one building. I could have ducked under his wing and found shelter. But I was left there alone and exposed, broken and ashamed of my existence. The raw hatred I had towards Levi in that moment made my body ache and my head hurt. I hated Levi for leaving me. He abandoned me just like our dad. I felt like such a worthless nothing. I belonged trapped in that glass room in my mind for all existence. I should have been the one to die. So what I was a called Prophet. What the crap did that even mean? I got to look at evil every night. That was no gift in my eyes.

      I was beginning to have trouble finding the line between God and Abaddon. It made no sense when I really thought about it. If God loved me so much he could wipe out Abaddon and make him leave my already broken and messed up world. Why was it even fair to let me face him? I was a weak and tattered child. Abaddon could smell my fear and he was no fool. How could I win this fight against him?

      I was so lost in my darkness and thoughts. The pain kept creeping in more and more. I hadn’t even realized that I stopped walking, I found myself kneeling on the ground. I couldn’t breathe, I felt like my chest was on fire. It hurt so badly. I felt the world grey in and white out.

      Vier

      My mind was blaring in the bright white that seemed to deafen and blind me. I felt it shock through me much stronger than it had blasted my other senses. It washed the pain, hatred and self loathing away. I felt ashamed; I knew I was in the arms of my maker.

      “Keep it away Lord. Make it stop. The pain, it is so bad. It’s unbearable.” I cried as I said it. He pulled me close to his chest and I was consumed by his warmth.

      “My child, it is yours. Only you can take it away.” He kissed the top of my head and pushed me back out into the light.

      My head hurt once more as the white started to pull out from my mind. The grey pumped in and I was back in my sadness and pain. How did he do that? I couldn’t make it go away. It just wasn’t that simple. I remembered where I was at and looked up and all around me. There was a crowd of my peers staring at me. Ross was holding my hand. I pulled my hand back in a jerk reaction. How embarrassing. Linden was running up as I started to stand. I saw the tension between him and Ross instantly. Linden stepped in the space between Ross and me.

      “Back up man,” Ross said it with authority. Linden rolled his eyes at him and flicked him off. Ross came up closer to Linden and body checked him.

      “Chill out, remember me, the girl who passed out? No worries though I am fine.” I pushed both the boys away and started to walk off.I tried to pretend there was not a mass of kids looking at me. Couldn’t we all just act like this did not just happen and move on with our day? Both Linden and Ross followed after me. Linden stepped in front of me; I turned from him and tried walking a different direction. Ross blocked my next move. Seriously, I just wanted to get out of there. I looked at Ross and plastered my attitude on my face. “Ross, I just met you, so back up!”

      I looked over at Linden. “Do not make this worse, ok!” I looked at everyone staring at us still. I felt more than embarrassed at that point and I was worried that we would get attention of teachers soon. Linden finally stepped back and Ross joined him. I marched away and Red trailed quietly behind me. My day just seemed to drag on and it just kept piling up with more and more poo. Was that just my life? It was like I was destined to be doomed. Murphy hated me. I held my head low and tried my best to wear my invisibility. I needed to make it through the rest of my classes and just get the day over with. When the final bell rang I was the first to jump up and haul tail out the doors.

      I found my bus and luckily was able to sit in the very back seat. I sat low and hoped everyone could learn to ignore me. It really was better for all of us. I could not believe this was my life. Why did this all have to happen to me? I felt like I was trapped in a crazy storm of darkness and debris smashing into me. It had to let up at some point, right?

      My mission to be ignored was thwarted when Ross plopped down beside me. I swore he was like an annoying gnat. How many times could I swat at him until he left me alone. I looked at him with complete annoyance. “Really?” he started laughing as I said it. There was something seriously wrong with him I thought. But his laughter sadly made me smile. I wanted to hold my angst toward him, I really did, but he was cute. He was ridiculous, obnoxious and completely over the top but he wasn’t Linden. That was a big plus. I needed to think about someone other than Linden, before it got me where I did not want to be. Ross was nice looking in that mature kind of way. I figured I

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