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cities, other states, and other countries. But when people find out that they’re from Indianapolis, they go, “Oh my gosh, do you know Carol the Coach?” That is the beauty of media and radio. But here in my own backyard … like Rodney Dangerfield … “I get no respect.” That is not really true, as I work with the greatest guys (and women) who are forever indebted to me and any CSAT who spends time unraveling their shame and pain.

      What I know to be true is that there used to be so many stigmas when talking about this kind of stuff. People are hungry for the information. They want to get help. I had a young man call me today. He’s not able to drive. He had difficulty speaking, and he was talking about chronic masturbation. He said, “I cannot stop and I don’t know what to do.” Of course I said, “Get yourself to a Twelve Step meeting.” That’s when I found out he couldn’t drive. I said, “There are telephone meetings day and night that you can be a part of.” But I do want him to do some face-to-face meetings. I can tell that this man is incredibly lonely and is probably using chronic masturbation as a way of medicating the loneliness. I said what I would initially do is find a qualified certified sex addiction therapist. This man was from another state. He had actually Googled me and the show and listened to a few podcasts, and he was really interested in figuring out how he might be able to get help.

      What I know to be true about sexual addiction is that whether you had trauma that contributed to the sexual addiction or you have trauma now as a result of the sexual addiction, it is imperative that you work on a recovery program that activates behavioral patterns that are healthy; that you work through the grief, the loneliness, the sadness, the anger, the rage; and that you connect to other people who are going through the same thing. That’s why we really believe in certified sex addiction therapists, because this is a niche. It’s not a “one treatment takes care of all the issues.” There are people who really do have expertise in trauma, people who have expertise in trauma reenactment, people who have expertise in Twelve Step programs, and people who have expertise in ministry and recovery. You need to assess what it is you need, but you need to go to the experts. That’s what this show is all about, and that’s what a certified sex addiction therapist can provide you. Go to www.sexhelp.com, click on “find a therapist,” put in your zip code, and find the closest CSAT or look for somebody who works through Skype or coaching.

      I started my group therapy as a result of talking with Dr. Carnes. He has said that if you were going to offer good clinical skills, then you should offer a group to enhance the individual clinical work that you provided to them. Group therapy is a different type of experience than a Twelve Step meeting, because the clients in the group are working on therapeutic issues and resolving them. There is cross talk. The group members help each other work through issues. I do something in my groups called “Mt. Vesuvius.” That is where the men go through an anger exercise where they get to rage at their perpetrator or their neglectful mother or father. They use each other as a container for safety, because when you’re going to do this kind of work, you have to have safety and support. There has to be safety and there has to be containment, and that’s so important for any kind of trauma work. So the group provides that opportunity.

      If you are looking for a group therapy experience, when you scroll down looking for a CSAT in your area, see who provides groups, because they’re very helpful. Of course, we know that Twelve Step meetings are helpful as well. You’ve heard me talk before about Recovery Nation and some of the online recovery groups. They’re wonderful too, especially for people who really have difficulty with the Twelve Step program. And yet there is no substitute for face-to-face therapy, both individually and in group. It can contribute to the growth and spiritual transformation that is necessary in recovery. It’s not about conforming; it’s about transforming, and that’s so important. When I work with my group, the group teaches me as much as I teach them.

      Tonight we will be talking with Dr. Carnes about what recovery tools he thinks are the most important. Of course, so many sex addicts struggle with long-term recovery. And we know that if they work on the Recovery Start Kit and utilize in all the recovery tools, they’re going to be much more likely to maintain successful recovery—and that’s what it’s all about.

      What do you do to work on yourself? I am a big believer in setting aside daily time to work on reflection, contemplation, and change. Not only do I get up in the morning and exercise, but I listen to podcasts that provide inspiration and education. I spend time reading. I have a solid fellowship of people in my life who support me and who hold me accountable, no matter what my issues are, and that’s what you need too. There is hope, strength, and recovery out there, and there are lots of opportunities to learn more about recovery through your bibliotherapy, through this show, and through the introspection that comes with therapy.

      If you just don’t think you can do it by yourself, it may be time to consider a residential treatment program where you can get specialized treatment, attend workshops, and participate in intensives. Dr. Carnes works at Gentle Path through The Meadows. Gentle Path uses Dr. Carnes’s task-centered approach for long-term sexual addiction recovery. He is a senior fellow at The Meadows.

      The Meadows is located in Wickenburg, Arizona, and is one of the finest treatment centers in the world. It allows you to work on all types of addictions. One thing we know about sexual addiction is that there is a higher probability that if you are suffering from sexual addiction, then you likely have at least one other type of compulsion or addiction to address. That’s what we’re finding more and more. You’ve heard me talk about the fact that when I wanted to educate addiction hospitals about sexual addiction, they did not want me to talk about sexual addiction. They were scared to touch it because they feared it would interfere with their not-for-profit status. I’m always really amazed that there can be such fear around sexuality. We’ve got a lot of things to work on in today’s world, and this certainly is one of them. With the Internet being the new crack cocaine of sex addiction, we have to stay on top of it. Again, I am thrilled to be interviewing Dr. Patrick Carnes tonight.

      This is a field that has gone through so many changes, and it’s important for us to recognize and honor the changes that it has been through. People didn’t believe in sex addiction and thought it was a moral issue. I’m pleased to tell you that the field has made so much progress. Dr. Carnes had to go through so much to get the word out, and he was stigmatized as a result, kind of blackballed. People thought it was just boys being boys. They didn’t get the compulsivity and the obsessiveness behind this. Now, people are clamoring to figure out how they can learn the skills needed to recover from this serious illness.

      Do you feel like you can get the help you need? That is so important, and that’s what this show is all about: to remind you that, yes, you can. You can get the help as long as you reach out and request it. I think it is very difficult to make that first call, and when you do, what you’re going to need to know is that somebody cares and has the expertise to direct you to the right place.

      If you’re a partner, I know that it’s really tough for you too, because what we know to be true is while the addicts carry the shame, oftentimes their partners carry the pain. They wonder was it something they did or did not do. They don’t know whether to stay or to leave. They don’t know if it will get better. They don’t know if they will ever be able to trust their partner! I oftentimes work with partners to create connection with other Twelve Step groups, S-Anon, COSA, even an Indianapolis group that has started to provide support on a smaller level, because they really know how imperative it is to be able to talk out their issues and not reinvent the wheel or brainstorm with each other. We’re always working with partners.

      You’ve heard me say in the past that there are basically two reasons for addiction. One is trauma-based or neglect, abuse, that kind of thing; and the other has to do with a kind of obsessive compulsive behavior that occurs as a result of habitual patterns of behavior. We call it “ritualization.” We call it a kind of sexual addiction cycle that can actually keep you stuck in the cycle of your addiction.

      So

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