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My experience is what I see in the clinic, so I have a skewed population of course. But of the people who come into our practice, when the addict makes an earnest effort to recover because he knows he needs to—as opposed to image-managing for his marriage—we see a strong base of possibility. If he can empathize with the impact on the partner, and then as a couple if they can grieve the fact that their marriage has been impacted by the sexual addiction and come to terms with the fact that, on one level, what their relationship used to be is no longer and they will always have to contend with some level of pain or grief and then make a new commitment … we see more and more couples doing that. It’s a very difficult process, but by all means possible if they are willing to do the work and there is a base of love and respect that can be either rebuilt or further developed.

      Carol: I know in your “Spouses and Partners of Sex Addicts” intensive workshop, you talk about how the partner really has to do some grief counseling and move toward empowerment from the grief, because if they stay victimized, they stay stuck. Once they grieve and feel empowered from it, they can move forward.

      Ken: That is one of the biggest issues. One of the primary focuses of our intensive is to help them do some grieving. There is sometimes a repetitive refrain with partners because they’re in shock, but one of those is “Why did you do that? I can’t believe you did that.” Sometimes that’s the shock stage. Other times when it’s occurring over the course of two years after the betrayal has been exposed and the addiction has been exposed, sometimes it’s the difficulty with grieving that “OMG, the relationship that I have is just not what it was.” My power comes from facing that reality, grieving it, and making some new decisions for myself.

      We gently support grieving. We don’t make any decisions for partners. We don’t have any agenda for partners to do anything at all. This is really their process. We want to make sure people are clear about that. Sometimes therapists will try to decide for the partner: “You shouldn’t be married to him,” or “You should stay with him because of your religious values.” We don’t take any position about that. Our position is to help the partner grieve her losses; reclaim her reality so she’s better able to make decisions for herself.

      Carol: I know that with an intensive, there may be some people who say, “I don’t know if I can really put out the money right now,” because in some ways it may be the price of ten sessions with your therapist. But I’ve seen the work that people have done in an intensive, and it can provide ten times the amount of benefit and help that they get from doing individual work on themselves. For anybody out there who worries about the money issue, these are very affordable workshops, and you will benefit tenfold by them.

      You’ve done a masterful job of putting these together. Your books are incredible, and I personally have gotten to be a part of Dr. Adam’s teachings. He helped me with my CSAT certification, and he’s one of the finest teachers in the nation on this subject. Kind of what I say about Patrick Carnes, you’re doing yourself a disservice if you wait. Get out there and at least see if it’s the right thing for you.

      Ken: Thank you, Carol, for that vote of confidence. I appreciate it.

      Carol: You’re very good, very compassionate, and very thorough. I’ve talked to people who have worked with you and they say not only do they feel different internally; they understand the changes that have occurred inside of them. I can’t speak highly enough about any of the trainings that you’ve put together.

      Ken: Also, if the clients are feeling a little scared, we’ll be happy to hold hands and get them through the door as well. Thanks for having me.

      Carol: There is great power in groups. You’re welcome and good luck to you and the workshops. I look forward to seeing you at the IITAP Symposium this year.

      I really can’t say enough good things about Dr. Ken Adams. He’s amazing, he’s compassionate, and he just knows his stuff. If this intensive sounded like it would help you, I can only say that you’re dealing with one of the masters in the field. That’s why I really hope you will consider it. You’re worth it. Again, I don’t want to push you into something you might not be ready for, but they will help you to determine that. As he indicated, they will hold your hand if they decide you’re ready for it and you’re still kind of nervous about it.

      I get that. When I run groups, almost every single man in my group says, “I didn’t want to be in this group; I was scared to death to be in this group; I’m really shocked I’m here,” and by the third session they are typically saying, “This is the best thing that ever happened to me.” It’s one of those “face your fears head-on, and let go and let God.”

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