LITMIR.BIZ

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a relationship. When I finally did come out, this straight man was totally supportive. He saw me through my first two relationships and gave me advice that is so wise I hold it dear to this day. Anonymity prevents me from sharing his story. But if I could, I daresay you too would be amazed that he could be so supportive on so many of my issues. They must have pushed so many of his buttons!

      This man gave me a powerful lesson even in his dying. D. suffered from depression, a legacy of events of his childhood. In November of 1994, he committed suicide. I write this because I too have been down at times in my uncovery; so down that suicide seemed like the way out. But based upon the hurt and sense of loss I still carry from his death, I will not kill myself unless and until I believe there is no true life left for me. And I will not do this without making sure my friends and family know my intent. D. left no note saying goodbye or explaining his decision. One of the most painful questions I still carry from D's death, 20 years later is: "Why didn't you call me that night?"

      (This man was also a gifted craftsman. He finished the second floor of my house and built me a beautiful back porch. I can still see us laying out the latter on a napkin in a restaurant. His handwriting is still on some of the boards. Whenever I really look around my house, I see D.)

      M., my third sponsor, is just as much a gift to me. For almost 20 years, this man has faithfully, thoughtfully, and graciously given me direction and support. His patience is amazing to me at times—because I repeat the same damn issues, over and over (and over) again! M.'s words and voice come to me so many times and at so many points! For example: "That person has a Higher Power—and it isn't you." "Where are your feet (past, present, or future)?" "Stick with it until you have learned the lesson." And the ever popular: "Which Step are you on?"

      His personal gifts are many; his experience, deep and shared openly. And there are those times when he truly is Inspired. I offer this vignette:

      Last year, I hit a very down period in my life. I said to M. how tired I was that my "father tape" still played and so loudly, after all this time and all my growth. M. asked me how old my father was when he died (60) and whether he was healthy at that time (no). M.'s response: "Thank your father for his suggestions and tell him he is no longer competent to speak on these issues—because you have lived longer and healthier than he did!"

      I ask you: Is that brilliant. . . or What?

      I thought I had "graduated" from Al-Anon twice to date. The first lapse was nine months; the second time, a month-and-a-half. The first time, I found me, as we put it in Program, "irritable and unreasonable without noticing it", until a big mistake at work gave me the kick in the pants to get back to a meeting. The second time a friend said to me: "You know you are getting a little crazy?" I responded: "Yeah. But this time I know it!"

      Progress; not perfection. . .

      * * * *

      I have a theory: every addict needs a program like Al-Anon, and every enabler has at least one addiction. If you are an addict, the focus on your inability to control your addiction creates a little codependent²³ in your brain. If you are a codependent, then you are addicted to controlling the addict. Because we can't create or maintain control, we each end up getting hooked on somebody or something. We want that control so we can have peace. . . on our terms, of course!

      When I did my first Fourth Step inventory, I named my two physical addictions: cigarettes and sugar. A year later, I decided it was time to seek help with them. Having had such a powerful experience with Al-Anon, it was only natural I consider the two programs for these compulsions, Nicotine Anonymous (NA) and Overeaters Anonymous (OA).

      By the time I started NA (1990), I had been smoking for almost half my life. Health classes as a kid taught me how dangerous smoking was—I had even been frightened with the pictures of smoker's lungs. And I had a real life example in my father. Yet I started when I was 19, on a dare from a fraternity brother. A Salem Menthol for the record. Supposedly, menthol cigarettes can be tough for a new smoker; I found it smooth and easy. . . I loved smoking from the first puff!

      For the next 19 years, I continued to smoke. . . clandestinely. I was so good at this that when I told people I had stopped smoking they were astounded! I bargained—mightily. I stopped menthol and went to low tar 100s. I would purchase a pack and then force myself to take weeks, even months off. I was terrified of becoming a pack-plus-a-day smoker, to the extent that I would no longer buy my own pack. I would pay someone for a small stash. Eventually, I just bummed. I tapered down and got to the point that I might have only one or two cigarettes a day—at "appropriate" times; lunch, or after work. But I craved in between for those moments. I was hooked! In the fellowship, some people doubted that I was an addict; they would consider themselves lucky if they got down to my daily level. In Program jargon, I was a "high bottom".

      NA was a new Twelve Step program at that time; its Big Book was just being written. Here is another example of me inexplicably finding and benefiting from a new technology, or one not well- known. There were maybe two programs in the Cleveland area at the time. Their membership was always small through my decade of participation. And. . . NA sure helped me!

      As I have said so much about Al-Anon that would apply to any Twelve Step program, I cut to the chase here. After three months in NA, I stopped smoking. I now have almost 24 years of "smobriety". The decade I spent in that Program helped me come face-to-face with my dishonesty, and it shed a lot of light on why I was dishonest, including not being honest about my sexual orientation.

      Through my participation in this program, I became thoroughly immersed in the Big Book of AA. I continue to benefit from its words and the personal testimonies. My NA experience enhanced my Al-Anon experience.

      As noted, NA was never a large movement. I kept hearing the same sharings from the same people. Something inside told me I was complete and I left with gratitude.

      * * * *

      I was only in Overeaters Anonymous for a short period of time; perhaps less than three months. For me, this was a hard program in which to fit. I was a high bottom in NA but I was an even higher bottom in OA. Many of these men (I felt more comfortable in a men's only group) had stories that flabbergasted me. And if I thought too long about their stories, they made me nauseous! However, I do not distance myself here. My relationship with sugar is not healthy. In those rooms, I heard the same lies I tell myself about what something sweet will do for me. Why I needed and deserved to eat it. It is just the scale of my (over)indulgence that differs. "There but for the Grace of God go I."

      The most substantial contribution OA made to my growth was not the program itself. It was that when I added OA, I was now attending three programs a minimum of three days a week. Program became a time and energy drain on my life that I resented. Speaking about this with D., I received guidance I remember and offer others to this day: "We do not live to work Program; we work Program to live!" Then he asked me: "What is killing you?" In other words, what were the issues that were strongest in holding me back in my growth or harming my health? Codependency and smoking were my biggest killers. And so I stopped my participation in OA.

      * * * *

      Twelve Step has not proven to be my cure all. As they say in AA, I have only a daily reprieve, so long as I practice my programs. My first reaction to any person, place, or thing is still the one from my dysfunctional upbringing. But thanks to Al-Anon, I have the knowledge that my first reaction comes from my ego and so it is always wrong.

      Al-Anon has given me the tools to stop running with that thought and to leave space in my mind—however slight that may be—to allow a not-me way to come to me. Once I let go, I can let God. . . Jesus. . . speak. And as is stated again and again in these pages—that's when the miracles start happening!

      MEETING JESUS FOR THE FIRST TIME

      I was active in Judaism for about 15 years. After an agnostic/atheist gap of about 15 years, I started exploring Christianity. I didn't start this journey because Jesus came to me in a vision—that was 20 years in the future! The Voice was mute on the subject. I don't remember anyone inviting me to join them at their congregation one Sunday morning.

      In truth, I don't know why I started this

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