LITMIR.BIZ

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my fears and shame, I would never have been able to attend that first meeting nor share what I have all these years if I was not in a safe space. I have never been forced to accept a single, reified concept of God—or any God. The Higher Power in Twelve Step programs is a Higher Power of one's own understanding. Yes, there is dogma; twelve steps are written down. But what is not in writing is what actions must be taken under each step or when or how those actions must be taken. There is no one, right way for everyone to practice Program, for all time. I was given the space, respect, and challenge to uncover my past and deal with my defects of character in my own time; in my own way. (No matter how slow or painful that journey seemed to an outsider!) For me at least, the why of each step was made clear either through the literature, discussion, or through direction gained in sponsorship. People are asked to speak about their own situation in "I terms", not assuming it is true for everyone. Members are reminded to "take what you like and leave the rest". This left me the space to test a sharing in the light of my Integrity. More practice with Grace!

      Program is a technology where heart and gut are appreciated over head. As the old Program saw goes: "My greatest thinking got me here." I am a perfect case in point. I am pretty darn smart, and yet look where I was when I started. And I still think my way into some pretty tortured spaces!

      Only "HP" is in charge, so this is an egalitarian organization. Collectively and individually, we operate on what we call "obedience to the unenforceable". The watchword is "Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon unity."²²

      As I travelled through technologies, I realized that Twelve Step incorporates many rites and rituals proven useful to spiritual growth, including self-examination (Steps Four and Ten), confession and absolution of sins (Step Five), amends (Steps Eight and Nine), and repentance (Steps Six, Seven and Eleven). It even calls to evangelism of a sort (Step Twelve). Sponsorship offers one a Godparent. And yet, this is all done in a non-religious, non-dogmatic way.

      I definitely believe that a Higher Power speaks in those rooms. Time and again, I have been blown away at the Wisdom I have heard. I can still be amazed by what comes into my head and out of my mouth! But this Wisdom is not dependent upon one's training or even one's duration in Program. A newcomer to his/her first meeting may offer me an insight that is as meaningful as anything that might pop out of an old-timer. Writing this, I realize that a good meeting is another Trinity: me, my fellow members, and a Higher Power. I find meetings to be an amazing balm. I always sleep better after a meeting, even when I don't like what I hear. This can be a memory I suppressed long ago or a heretofore-unrealized character defect. In Program, we call these an "AFOG": another fucking opportunity for growth! Early on in my Program, I defined serenity as three meals a day, six hours of sleep, and a meeting at least once a week. In my most challenging periods, I took in three meetings a week.

      My mental state in meetings is very much like me in a channeling or the state in which I have been writing this document. I am open and The Voice is very active. It needs to be: in addition to profound Wisdom, there is also a lot of spiritual horseshit, ego thinking, pity parties, and sharing of personal drama. Some members clearly have mental health issues. And some people are just not very bright. The Voice sifts through all of this for me. We have a phrase in our closing that says: "After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us you'll love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you." Some days I really hold on to that. . .

      * * * *

      Yes, Al-Anon and I are very simpatico. And yet as a nontheist, it is often an irritating experience. The prevailing Higher Power of most members is a Creator/Daddy/Planner God. The literature is highly deist. Some readings I dismiss entirely; others make me want to gag. In a meeting, I may have to do a lot of translation into my working theory of a Higher Power. I am often frustrated by the support given by well-meaning fellow members. For example: "I am sure your Higher Power has something in mind for you." "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle." Yes, I know—take what you like and leave the rest. And that is what I do!

      Sticking it out as a nontheist has proven a gift to others, including atheist attenders. I am guessing I have been a sponsor to eight people to date. Only four of these relationships were long-term—the other half needed temporary help in getting a relationship with a Higher Power they could stomach!

      * * * *

      I say here for the record; Program is a cheat! It is gentle, loving, and non-threatening. I liken a meeting to being in a gentle snow where flakes of knowledge cling on you as you leave. But Al-Anon is a program that demands rigorous honesty; honesty that goes to my core. When I am truly working my Program, I come face-to-face with my past, my personal demons, and my defects of character… my addictions. Every day and each night before I retire I see my "sins", the places where what I Know and what I think, say, or do aren't in congruence. It isn't pretty! If I didn't do this one day at a time, with a Higher Power, the loving support of a sponsor, and in communities of others who encourage me as they bear the weight of this Herculean task… well, I would have stopped long ago!

      In 1987, at least in Cleveland, it was not uncommon to find meetings even larger than the one in which I started. Alcoholism hasn't gone away and yet the number of attendees at a so-called large meeting is now likely to be half that amount. This is more proof to me of the goal-confusion people have regarding technologies. Al-Anon is not some magical happy pill. In fact, my definition of serenity does not include being happy. For me, serenity is the certainty that I will be able to live with the consequences of my choices, because they are made in concert with a Higher mind. Surely, the miracles of Al-Anon do not occur overnight; in my case, they have taken years. . . decades. . . to unfold.

      My current sponsor has a way of putting things in perspective when I express frustration with my ego's continued strength. "You lived 32 years without Program," he says. "You can start questioning your recovery when you are 64 years old!"

      * * * *

      About two years into the Program, I completed my first Fourth Step Inventory. Once I truly believed that I was only as sick as my secrets, a lot of defects—and benefits—of my character were revealed. In fact, I took the Fourth Step three times; twice in Al-Anon and once in Nicotine Anonymous. Why three? Well for one reason, I left out some stuff in the first inventory. . . like my attraction to men! In my defense: Step Four says to take "a fearless and rigorous moral inventory". My ability to be honest is only as great as my courage at the time I take the step. So I stepped again…

      The Fifth Step calls for one to "Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". I chose E., my first sponsor, to hear my Fifth Step. This was truly a Grace-full experience. It was the first time that I was intimate with another man and he accepted me for who I was and was not. (Judy was my counselor at this time.) This was not a sexual experience in the least. I did not come out to him. Yet I feel certain that it was an important stepping stone to my coming out.

      I have been honored to be hear the Fifth Steps of others. I expanded on the hotline understanding of my role—I got out of the way, to become the earthly presence of a Higher Power. Perhaps I only served in that capacity to good people, but I never heard anything so horrible that it shocked me. If anything, I was chastened to realize how we (I) carry so much pain for so long, usually for such trivial misses of the mark. And as in my own Fifth Step, I had to tell the other person that s/he needed to go back and see more of the wonderful qualities they also possessed!

      Around my third year in program, I was asked to be a sponsor for the first time. Sponsorship is another act of service that has certainly saved me as well. I have found it to be another powerful Trinity. How often have I heard me say something to a sponsee that I hadn't brought to my conscious mind in years? How many times did I say something that I realized I needed to apply to a current situation in my life? And then there are those more than occasional times when I wonder: Who inspired me to say that?

      I have been gifted with and I am grateful for loving sponsors. My second sponsor, D. was not only a Real Deal; he was the father I had not had. So gifted, so wise, so loving. It seems to me he knew where I needed to grow and where I was stuck. He always knew how far to push me and when to step back. Whether or not he knew I was gay, he tested me about the truth of my sometimes desperate claim

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