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is perhaps a little apprehensive about changing their approach and asking some Better Questions, believing their staff member will not be happy if they adopt this approach. Maybe the staff member will think that the manager is simply in a bad mood and things will shortly return to normal. Maybe the staff member will think that the manager doesn’t have an answer to the problem and is turning it around as a question because of their own incompetence. Perhaps the staff member will think that the manager is trying to test them or trip them up and so they will feel suspicious of the manager’s intentions. Possibly the manager is letting the staff member know, in a roundabout way, that they are tired of staff coming to them with problems. Alternatively, the staff member might cynically think that the manager has read the latest book on leadership practices or recently attended a training program, and once the manager has tried out a few new things they will soon get back to being their usual self! Whatever the case, you will see that the fact that the manager has switched to being an ‘asker’ is not viewed very positively; in fact, they may now be perceived as incompetent, grumpy, untrustworthy or, as mentioned above, simply in a bad mood!

      You can see from this example that once you have overcome the hurdle of dealing with your own perceptions of your role, you will need to start thinking about how you can deal with how others perceive your role, in particular those people who report to you. If we have formed a certain way of interacting with our people and we suddenly change, there is a good chance it is not going to be well received. Once we have established a way of doing things, it will potentially be more challenging to change because of existing perceptions. However, change is certainly possible and it may be easier than you think.

      Changing your style

      I will now share with you some ideas that will help us deal with the challenges highlighted here, in the hope that something will inspire you to find a solution that is going to work for you. There are many potential solutions to deal with challenges, and I never pretend to have all the answers, but the following ideas definitely will help.

      In the example above, where the manager is changing from being a ‘teller’ to an ‘asker’, my simple advice to you is to let people know what you are doing and why you are doing it! I think it’s important to remember that there are ways to convey a message, and so it is important that our team members understand that this is genuinely about you wanting to change your style and is not about them having done anything wrong. Whilst I personally don’t like scripts, what follows are some possible words that you might use that will help you to sincerely convey your reasons for your change in approach:

      I just wanted to share with you the reason why I have changed my approach and have asked you a question, rather than simply advising you what to do and providing an answer, as I would normally do. I have realised that every time I try to solve a problem for you by telling you what to do, I am denying you an opportunity to learn and grow and also I am denying you the option of bringing your own ideas to the table. So, in future, what I’d like to do is ask you some more questions that enable you to bring your wisdom and knowledge to the table and acknowledge your experience.

      As I said, it is important that you bring your own preferred language and style when conveying the message, but as long as it is positive and confidence-building I have found that most staff members will get where you are coming from, and many will appreciate your change in approach. I do recognise that this may not be the case for all staff members – indeed, some may positively resist you asking them questions, and we will explore this further in a later chapter about dealing with challenges and issues with asking Better Questions.

      Being open about your reason for asking questions is, I believe, the best way to proceed and, as outlined above, you may choose to do this on an individual basis with each team member as you have conversations with them. One other way of approaching the challenge of your team not understanding why you have changed to being an ‘asker’ is to simply advise the team about the change at your next team meeting. Whilst this may seem less personal, it does send a powerful message to your team about your intent, and from your own perspective it is likely to mean that you will follow through on taking a different approach because of your public commitment to do so.

      I personally have also found it very powerful to outline to my staff exactly how I wish to fulfil my role so that I proactively manage their expectations of me. In many of my most recent roles I was not able to be the ‘expert’ adviser that many of my team expected me to be. In fact, it was quite challenging for a number of my team that their organisation had employed someone who didn’t have expert knowledge in their field and who had been employed purely for their people-leadership abilities. Whilst this did bring some interesting challenges for me, including with one lady who decided she could not possibly work for someone whom she perceived as being incompetent due to my lack of specific industry knowledge, most of my team eventually appreciated having a manager who was able to be a better leader rather than an expert.

      Having dealt with the challenge of managing the perceptions and expectations of our team, many of us will also have to contend with the challenge of managing the expectations of our line managers. The term ‘learn to manage your manager’ comes to mind here, which from my experience is easier said than done! I believe that the important starting point is to have strength in your convictions about how you wish to go about your role, and then it is about being able, when necessary, to articulate your ideas with confidence. Generally, I have found that actions speak louder than words, and rather than getting into disagreements about how I will go about my role, I have simply carried on with the job in the knowledge that the results will speak for themselves.

      This has worked for me in all but one instance where I had a very controlling boss who needed to be on top of everything. It was clear from the outset that we had extremely different styles and ways to get results, and so in this instance I respectfully requested that I be left to run things my way; if there was a problem with that, then my boss could let me know. I never once had an issue raised with me about my approach and, in fact, when I left that team my boss let me know, albeit in a very low-key way, that I was the best manager that he had ever employed. So my respectful request worked!

      I have always believed, though, that if you feel strongly about your approach as a manager and this is not valued or supported by your line manager or organisation, then maybe it is time to question whether you are working for an organisation that is right for you. If your preferred style is not appreciated and people want you to work against your beliefs and preferences (i.e. ‘the integrity gap’ is looming), then my suggestion to you is to start looking for another role outside of that organisation or suffer the pain of not acting with integrity.

      The ego

      Let’s explore one other aspect of our preference to be more of a ‘teller’, and that is an aspect of human nature that most of us don’t like to talk about – the role of the ego. It will be helpful to demonstrate the role that our ego plays in typical, everyday leadership situations. So let’s go back to the scenario that we considered earlier, where your staff member comes to you for help with a work-related problem.

      Remember that most of us are programmed to respond by telling or advising another person what to do, so automatically we provide an answer, or at the very least a suggestion, to the staff member. Now what I’d like you to think about is the impact our ‘telling’ has on us after we have helped our team member. Whilst most of what I am about to describe isn’t done at a conscious level, there is a good chance our ego will get a boost from our actions. We all have a need to feel significant and good about who we are, and in this instance we will be feeling a sense of self-satisfaction due to the fact that we have:

      •helped the person out

      •demonstrated our knowledge and wisdom

      •proven that we are a good manager

      •justified why we are the manager and they aren’t!

      Whilst I accept that there is a little cynicism in these points, they aren’t too far from the truth if we are prepared to be honest. So, if this is the case then we need to recognise that if we change to being an ‘asker’

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