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to Black Caviar and the Laws of ASIwP

      Let me tell you what I know about black caviar. For me, caviar is comparable to sex and even for two reasons. The first is that there was a lot of sex and caviar in my life. Second, and probably the main, that I understand a little about both. To make it clear what it means “I understand a little”, I will try to explain it on the example of black caviar. For example, in relation to black caviar, the technologist at the factory for the production of black caviar with thirty years of experience is ideally versed in it. He probably does not even need to taste it. He may with one look and smell from a distance of three meters to tell what the quality of this caviar. Of course, so I cannot, but I am not a professional, but only an advanced Amateur, or as in modern language User.

      There are many such examples in any field. In each area, there are experts who will clearly define the main features that characterize the highest level. I play a little badminton (in sports hall, of course), i.e. I am not an expert here, but I am able to assess the highest level. This is, for example, when the world champion, standing on one side of the site methodically sends the shuttlecocks one by one through the net into the tube for the shuttlecocks with a probability of hitting 99%. Tube is with a diameter of 6 cm and stands vertically in the middle of the opposite ground at a distance of 6—7 meters.

      If we talk about sex, it is impossible to surprise anyone here, and in the life of any normal person sex is a lot. Another thing is that by a strange coincidence, caviar in my life was also a lot, and because of this, I consider myself an expert and connoisseur in this field. Besides, I, and apparently not the only one, believe black caviar, as well as sex is one of the highest pleasures in life. Please note, we are talking not about ordinary black caviar and not about ordinary sex, but about one and about another of the highest quality.

      A little remark, to read further makes sense if the words “bad sex” and “bad black caviar” do not cause you bewilderment and rejection.

      The one and another, occupying, one of the top steps in gradation existing enjoyments can be bad, middle and of highest quality. About caviar in this sense, it is more difficult to talk about than about sex, because it is possible to talk about the quality of black caviar, probably, only in a rather limited audience. I suddenly thought, what if we gather in one place all the people on the criterion of experts in black caviar to discuss its merits. It will be a strange mixture of the personable kind of men in tuxedos, mostly elderly and signs of well-being and wealth in all their appearance and young beautiful, I would even say, unacceptably beautiful girls and women in wonderful evening gowns on the one hand, and the other… On the other hand, this public will be represented by men with weathered tanned faces and often with drunk faces in fishing clothes or just in some rags. The first part of the public is millionaires or just rich famous people: politicians, businessmen, top managers, highly paid actors and athletes, as well as those who can first of all share with them the happiness of enjoying the taste of black caviar: it is their wives, mistresses and girlfriends, sometimes disposable. Although no, disposable girlfriends we exclude, for one time you can get a pleasure from black caviar, but it is impossible to become an expert and connoisseur. The second part of the audience is poachers of different types which are interspersed with a small number of people in the uniform of water militia (not police, I mean the past). All these people could really argue about the quality and taste of black caviar.

***

      …Buying black caviar for the New Year is quite a separate and entertaining story and it is reasonable to give a few words on it. For some time, I began to pay attention to the fact that the Internet is literally littered with offers of selling the caviar. It looks like the caviar is the most popular and demanded product today. However, I do not risk trusting in this important issue to the Internet. First, it is because of my age and already some conservatism. Second, and perhaps most important, it is absolutely unacceptable to entrust the solution of such an important issue to a system that cannot convey neither taste nor smell of the product. Although, in accordance with the trends of modern time I, of course, use the Internet when buying goods, products and services. But at the same time in my, as, indeed, many other people, online shopping practice there were a couple of cases when in fact I received by the Internet delivery absolutely not what I wanted. At the same time, I do not even take cases of outright fraud, which are present in abundance on the Internet just want to say that for the choice of the product by its image and even by the most high-quality image, and even more so edible product of eyesight, as the only sense organ, it is not enough. In order to fully understand what you are buying, and not to make a mistake, all the sense organs should be involved. Even if you buy simple sneakers for five hundred rubles, you need at least to feel how they fit on the foot, and even more so if we are talking about a product that costs as minimum a dollar per gram. In addition, two more points. Oddly enough, the Internet caviar prices are not the lowest, and besides on the Internet the purchase procedure is a trivial process: order-delivery-payment. And buying caviar in the wholesale market turns into a sacrament and a solemn procedure of pre-NYE YEAR preparation.

      Yes, about the last ten years I have been buying black caviar for the New Year in one the same place, from well-known already to me owner of the fish pavilion in the wholesale market. I have here several undeniable bonuses and advantages. First, despite the fact that I buy caviar there a maximum two times a year, I have long been listed as his VIP client, and have the appropriate privileged attitude in full, which undoubtedly flatters my ego. In addition, I understand that the seller sees in me if not a professional, then, in any case, an advanced user, and accordingly respects this my status. Therefore, every buying process becomes, in some sort, the little match of professionals. Seeing me in the General queue (for the New Year the queue for delicacies is obvious), the owner delicately takes me aside, and making sure that the black caviar and this time included in my food basket, leads me further into a small niche behind the fridge, where there is a small table for testing the product. And here the most important mystery begins. It is clear that the purchase procedure includes a mandatory test of my professionalism, a kind of annual certification as a connoisseur of black caviar. As with the wave of a magic wand from somewhere in the bowels of the pavilion first half-kilo jar appears, of course, of the standard state sample. Meanwhile the owner without fail informs me place of origin. All the main places of origin of caviar are known. As a rule, caviar by origin can be Astrakhan, Dagestan, Azerbaijani, Kazakh, Turkmen, Khazar and Iranian. However, sometimes there are more exotic variants, such as Israeli, Ukrainian or Siberian. The only one of possible I have not yet met Chinese caviar, although I know for sure that it exists. About Israel and Khazar caviar I will notice separately. When I first saw Israeli caviar, of course, I was very surprised and checked on the Internet. It turns out that Israel is now one of the first places in the world for the production of black caviar. Sturgeon there respectively bred in ponds and, apparently, more than fifteen years, because just this period is necessary for the female sturgeon to reach sexual maturity. My fellow, a lawyer in the specialty, living in Israel, then confirmed this information by. A few more words about the Khazar caviar. This name does not exist in nature, and we use it here for reasons of tolerance and political correctness. Because it is not necessary to offend the whole Nation, if on its territory and its representatives carried out (I hope very much that I can talk about it in the past time) one of the most heinous environmental barbarities in history. Perhaps we will dwell on this issue a little later in the paragraph about the Volga hydroelectric power station named after the XXII Congress of the CPSU.

      The procedure of caviar testing begins. The seller carefully removes the fixing gum, opens the jar so as not to disturb the shape of the layer of caviar rising above the edges of the jar, and with the help of a plastic spatula a few eggs are caught by an experienced hand. Exactly one gram, that is, respectively, on the dollar. Also, slowly and carefully he passes the spatula with eggs to me. I also solemnly and slowly accept from his hands a spatula and wise these several eggs in my mouth. It is clear that this is the first jar that the seller presents to me for expert evaluation, of the worst and

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