LITMIR.BIZ

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who will send all future PTA meetings into a tailspin,^* and he must be brought to justice. Instead of subjecting yourself to his slutty salami, head over to the fish guy, who will appreciate you for who you are on the inside, because you’re the first woman who has ever smiled at him.

      3. That Bartender Who Looks Like Jon Hamm (and Knows It)

      You asked him, “Does anyone ever tell you you look like Don Draper?” He feigns surprise and says, “Ha! Wow, you think so?” Do not fall for this. He’s been doling out subpar fingerbangs ever since Mad Men debuted. There’s nothing worse than a guy who knows he looks like an unattainably suave celeb, so keep your distance. He’s not worth staying out late five nights a week. Trust us. To avoid that dick-laden heartache, try dating a guy who looks more like Vince Vaughn.

2. Dan, with the Hat

      Fucking Dan. Ugh. With the hat. I mean, seriously? Stay away from Dan. Stupid Dan. Fuck Dan and his hat. Who does he think he is? Just because he has a hat we’re supposed to be all over his dick? Yeah right. Yeah right. No way, Dan. No one cares how cute you are in that hat. Ugh. Stupid hat.^* Simple solution: stay away from hat.

      1. Your Ex Who Had a Twin Bed

      It’s not about the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean—and that ocean was more like a puddle. Sure he has a gorgeous D and a propensity to make coffee in the morning, but your neck has still not recovered from spending the night in a child-size bed. Ignore the love you once felt and focus on the pain you felt while sleeping in a Z shape. Still, this is the most sinister of all the patriarch-Ds. You think, “Maybe he’s changed. Maybe he got a full.” But don’t be fooled: this oppressor will never, ever buy a bed frame. Stay back. Move forward. Bring him to justice. Burn his mattress and never look back.

HOW TO BE FEMINIST WITHOUT BEING TOO “OPINIONY”

      Now that you’ve read our beautiful words, you know feminism is the best. But please, puh-leeze, don’t give feminism a bad name by being all crazy about it. Look, we’ve worked too hard to make this club shiny and fun and discreet. We didn’t invite you to the party to blow up our spot. When a woman openly shares an opinion, she is often viewed as angry or “reactionary.” You don’t want us to get flagged by men as annoying or unlikable, do you? So here’s how to have legitimate feminist thoughts without being too “in your face” about it and giving feminism a bad look.

      First, don’t ever make a man take direct responsibility for his acts of misogyny, okay? Be chill! Guys love when women are chill. They are chill most of the time, so get on their level! If you do have to make a point, use vague terms to describe what the actions of an evil sexist bogeyman might look like, so he knows it’s definitely not him you’re talking about. Hopefully, over time, the men in your life will start to absorb this knowledge, and it will be reflected in their own future behaviors. This may take a really long time, but it’s definitely worth avoiding an argument tonight, because he seems really tired right now and you don’t want to stress him out.

       OPINIONY: Getting angry

       CHILL: Journaling!

       Journaling has been a great hobby for women throughout herstory because of its unobtrusive nature.* Men can accept that women are emotional creatures affected by their surroundings as long as women express those emotions privately. It’s not nagging if it’s on paper and that paper never sees the light of day. So just journal about how his statements about how “pussy tastes weird” made you feel. ^**

       OPINIONY: Feeling disempowered

       CHILL: Decorating!

      If a guy sees empowerment as “some dumb woman thing” or an act of insecure desperation, it will fit well within his idea of your role as a woman and won’t upset the tried-and-true gender dynamic he loves so dearly. Men aren’t as offended by feminist ideals when they’re presented subtly, right under their noses, in the guise of being things other than self-respect. So get craftin’! Frame a cute print containing Rubenesque figures to remind yourself of body positivity. Find a piece of reclaimed wood and paint the word “HOME” on it to renew your sense of rugged feminine individuality. He’ll shrug it off as some romantic “Pinterest bullshit.” But you’ll know. And you’ll respect yourself, even if your life partner doesn’t.

       OPINIONY: Being silently furious

       CHILL: Becoming a model!

       You can be a feminist and still be sexy! All you need is a five-foot-nine, 110-pound frame and to be under the age of twenty-two. Be fierce but silent, like a sexy androgynous robot that men want to have space sex with—this is your best chance at making men care about your feelings and listen to your opinions! Not qualified to be a professional model?* Take some super-beautiful selfies. Women who are conscious of their flawless appearance do not seem like angry old hags trying to upset the delicate balance of men’s cultural dominance.

       OPINIONY: Being misunderstood

       CHILL: Writing some poetry!

       If there’s one thing most people can say about poetry, it’s that they don’t “get it” and aren’t paying any attention to it. Sound familiar? That’s just like women and feminism, which is why feminism and poetry go hand in hand! Nod to the patriarchy in subtle nuanced prose or add some verse to spice it up. Bust out some spoken-word floetry about how independent you feel when you squeegee your own windshield at the gas station. When you can be feminist without being disruptive—and sound pleasantly lyrical at the same time—everybody wins! ^**

       OPINIONY: Trying to compete with men

       CHILL: Doing a crossword puzzle!

      What better way to assert your intelligence as a woman than by conquering the dominion of a gridded word game? Take that, patriarchy! Take that, Will Shortz!* The men around you will be none the wiser about how equal you are to them in mental faculties while your feminist spirit rages in the back pages of the newspaper. What’s a five-letter word that this activity isn’t? P-u-s-h-y.

       OPINIONY: Having a long conversation about what your life has been like as a woman

       CHILL: Hosting a book-club meeting!

      The beauty of the book club is that no man would dare set foot in one, so you’re free to whisper about the unfairness of your male coworker’s promotion or the ways Fifty Shades of Grey made you feel things without upsetting your husband in the other room. Get wine-drunk and drunk on feminism in this empoweringly secret environment, free from male sovereignty.

       OPINIONY: Lecturing him on body acceptance

       CHILL: Taking a

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