LITMIR.BIZ

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a tampon she could use, not, “Hey, do you have a fun excuse for me to finger-fuck myself in this Chili’s?” Her polite, confused smile clearly means, “I’m now going to shove a wad of toilet paper in my underwear. Thanks for nothing,” but still, you give her a smug “You’re welcome.” Your unrepentant earth-friendliness will have you spending the afterlife with bloody fingernails.

      Notable residents: Dara S. from your high-school tennis team, Bonnie Parker (of Bonnie and Clyde)

       EIGHTH CIRCLE:

       Women who claim to be “still full”

      Look, we all do adorable things so that guys will have sex with us. We sing beautiful songs, we volunteer with the elderly, we even bleach our buttholes. But it’s too low of a blow to start rhapsodizing about your “huge lunch.” That shit is in the past. We are at a barbecue right now, and it is time to dine. No woman can compete for D with a girl who’s painfully nibbling the corner of a watermelon wedge. You’re doomed to be in a long line for plastic cutlery for all time.

      Notable residents: Marie Antoinette, that girl Becca from camp

       NINTH CIRCLE:

       Women who say “Awww!” at you

      Your friend mentions something slightly vulnerable: she got through a whole hot yoga class without going into child’s pose or is thinking about signing up for Match.com. A nongarbage person would say “Cool!” but you slither into the conversation with the most condescending sound ever: “Awwwwwwww!” In just one syllable, you have declared: “I am better than you. You are nothing.” Your punishment is to be an adult baby, forever and ever. Awww!

      Notable residents: Your cousin Nina, Marilyn Monroe, Ursula the Sea Witch

WARNING: CURVES AHEAD

      Abandon hope, all ye who enter here—because feminism is hard! This is your last chance to turn back.

      You may think that being a feminist is just your current fabulous life with maybe a few more ponytail days, but make no mistake: achieving feminism is a dangerous quest, sort of like Lord of the Rings.^* Your days will be filled with all sorts of new perils, and some of your favorite things will no longer be acceptable. Choosing to fight the patriarchy is like choosing the red pill over the blue pill, like Neo does in The Matrix.^** The knowledge you’ll acquire can’t be unlearned, and you’ll be tasked with using it to convert those around you. You can’t make a patriarchy-fighting omelet without breaking a few pubic-hair-preference eggs in the process. As Uncle Ben tells Peter Parker in Spider-Man,^*** “With great power comes great hersponsibility.”

      Here are the perils you’ll face once you win feminism.

      Knowing About Stressful Things

      Being an intersectional feminist^**** means starting every day with a hot cup of global-oppression awareness. Once you’re aware of the patriarchy, you’ll have to know every depressing fact about everything: which chemicals are in our water, how every meat-producing animal gets slaughtered and how much they are aware of what’s happening, which mountainous rebel faction is murdering which mountainous rebel faction, how many trees are left in the rain forest and how tall they are, which state legislature is concocting the latest horrible laws, which must-have products are made in the cruelest factories, what the depression rates are for bullies who get bullied by other bullies, and how long we have before the polar ice caps explode. Yikes!

      Are you ready to be the girl who knows how many plastic water bottles are floating in the ocean? If not, maybe you’re not ready to be the girl who gets equal pay. Think about that. If this sounds like too high a price to pay, gift this book to your offbeat younger cousin and go call someone a bitch. It’s okay to turn back and not be feminist—for now.

Having Friends Who Wear Glasses

      Marilyn Monroe said it best: “Men don’t make passes at girls who make friends with girls who wear glasses.” The rest of your squad isn’t making the leap with you (they’re “not into negativity”), so it looks like you’ll have to make some new friends. Well, brace yourself, because some of them might not be able to wear contacts.

      Now that you’re a feminist, you’re not allowed to care about whether or not your friends are hot (but not too hot), and that includes girls with sturdy ears and sensitive corneas. Scared yet? Don’t worry too much. You’ll still have cute friends, since feminists are cute! You’re just not allowed to block a girl’s number if she insists on putting dangerous glass right next to her beautiful eyeballs, even if her personal choice is totally cock-blocking you at the club. Still, it’s not too late to put down your protest sign and head on home.

      Hope You Like Cats

      It’s not like feminists have to go around in burlap sacks and Birkenstocks, but the fact is that you can’t be a feminist and not have a cat. Rules are rules! No more will you be able to brag, “I don’t even need a lint roller; I’m just a very low-static person.” Everything you own will be covered in the fur of woman’s best friend. You will not get through the terror of your first no-makeup selfie without a good purr-cuddle with your brain-parasite-carrying kitty cat. And if you have allergies, it’s time to get the fuck over yourself. Do you want to be a feminist or not?

      Having to Use a Menstrual Cup

      Haven’t you heard? Using disposable menstrual products is the same thing as hitting a manatee with your speedboat, backing up, and running it over again. Tampons and pads contribute to the waste stream, and as a feminist you’ll have to give a shit about the waste stream—or at least know what that is. That means using a DivaCup, which means being cool with dumping a tiny cup of blood into your office sink three to five times a month.

      Okay fine, you don’t have to shove a rubber trumpet mouthpiece up into your ladypiece, but you better have a solid reason why a menstrual cup is not for you. Try, “It’s just too big for my tight lil’ pussy,” or, “I’m making an artistic statement about our country’s love affair with cotton.” Everyone will get off your jock—for now. Remember, feminism is about choices and whether or not you’ve made the right one. Are you ready for that? If not, no one will fault you for turning back now. Really. It’s fine. We’re not being passive-aggressive about it. Go right ahead.

Being Tolerant of Others (Exhausting)

      Just because you get to be judgy doesn’t mean you get to be intolerant. Feminists have a responsibility to keep an eye on underrepresented groups and make sure their voices are heard, which can be, like, a huge hassle if you’re used to focusing on yourself. Are you ready to be aware of the massive privileges you’ve been handed as a result of colonialism, systematic oppression, and cultural genocide? ’Cause that shit leaves wrinkles. Just sayin’!!!

      If all of these hardships seem too high a price to pay, then perhaps feminism isn’t for you. Put this book away and go buy some fringy crop tops from a store that uses slave labor. But if you’re determined to soldier on, keep reading. Then buy some fringy crop tops from a store that produces in the United States but has a history of mistreating female employees. You’re on your way to being a real feminist!

       Plinky: Am I Feminist Yet?

       You got through part 1! Perhaps you think,

       “Am I feminist now, dear little ol’ Plink?”

       Oh no, my child, there’s a river ahead!

       Keep rowing, keep going, there’s more to be read!

       Gib gib, goob goob,

       Keep reading, you boob!

       I once put a pipe bomb in a senator’s

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