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       We are the women of Dove®.

       We are real.

       The women who soar so high on beautiful batwings of arm fat.

       We are realer than those skinny bitches.

       Because, actually, men like thick women.

       Not that this is about men. This is about us loving ourselves.

       We dance in our underwear, big bulky undies.

       Flying our white grannies as flags of realness.

       Plus-size,

       Us-size.

       Ain’t I a woman,

       Who can pose with her other curvy friends, laughing in underwear?

       Just ’cause I’m big doesn’t mean my skin doesn’t need moisture.

       We have real thighs, real bellies,

       Pussies that don’t quit, even in a sandstorm.

       We slap on that lotion, together, frenzied, happy, laughing.

       Oh my goddess, are we women.

       Real beauty.

       Real women.

       (Not actors.)

THE LOOK OF A FEMINIST IS FEELING BEAUTIFUL FROM WITHIN

      It’s what’s on the inside that counts. And what’s inside should be a treasure trove of self-love for your outside.

      For generations, a woman’s worth was based entirely on how she looked. Only one type of body was acceptable, and if you didn’t have the goods, you were doomed to a life of spinning wool and conversing with a cornhusk doll in ill-fitting, unflattering clothes. This was a dark time for women—literally, because many of these women were not encouraged to leave the house. These women were also rarely encouraged to moisturize, because society did not deem them worthy of the cause.

      That’s right, being deserving of moisturizer is a cause. A worthy one.^*

      How did we get to where we are today? Before the inspiring, affirming advertising that celebrates women’s bodies, women struggled to love themselves on the inside and out. Faced with a world dominated by advertising designed to keep them down, women were forced to believe that their outsides were not good enough and that they could only cherish things like their “personality” or their “soul.” Fortunately, feminism has caused a revolution, giving us the products and feel-good social experiment videos that let us love our bodies just the way they are!^**

      Thanks to the brave marketing wizards of today, we now know that women come in all shapes and sizes and require unique body-affirming products to suit their needs. The current wave of feminism encourages us to embrace our looks, no matter how we look, as the best and only way to become a better person. Some feminists are calling themselves “contour feminists.”^*** Contour feminism focuses on highlighting the good parts of oneself and darkening the bad bits. This way, you can feel like a good feminist while also looking like one.

Contour feminism^**** says that you can make up for any shortcomings as long as you’re able to work it and be real. And let’s be real—you can’t do that without killer heels and a bold lip. So if you have a gap-toothed smile—that’s okay! You just have to know how to work those pearly whites,^* girl. And if you have hips, or thighs, or even freckles, that’s okay too! You’re alterna-hot and there’s a whole porn category subset of guys that are into you! Wow! And of course, there’s an exfoliating body wash designed exactly for your weirdo bod. Aww!

      #Yesallwomen need to feel beautiful—and use a good exfoliating body wash.

      You are beautiful—you just don’t know it yet. The best way to become a feminist is to recognize and own your beauty. If you’re beautiful and you know it, clap your hands—you’re a feminist!

      One of our greatest causes as feminists is to let women know they are beautiful and therefore worthy of all the things men have.^** That’s why it was important for us to redefine beauty on our own terms (and rediscover it in the most unsuspecting of beauty products), so that everyone can finally, truly feel beautiful and know it—even lesbians!^*** One of the best ways to feel beautiful is to look beautiful, and you can’t do that without a strict moisturizing regimen. What better way to celebrate your curves than to rub lotion onto each and every one of them?

      Beauty routines (especially skin care) help women realize how beautiful they are.

      Caress those curves. Fondle the folds. Your skin is beautiful! Because it’s supple and smooth now, just like a thin person’s skin, even though it’s not that. It’s better. Feminism has many looks. But the most important look is how you feel on the inside.

      Knowing you’re beautiful is the first step to letting everyone else know they’re beautiful too. This is our solemn duty, and one of the keys to winning feminism. Winners never quit, and neither do their bodies or their own affirmations of their bodies. Now get out on the field (or on your social-media platform of choice) and start telling everyone that they’re beautiful too.

FEMINIST SKIN CARE

      Being a feminist doesn’t mean you can let your skin go to hell! You’re now the face of a movement, so you better make sure that face looks amazing. After all, when you wear your “This is what a feminist looks like” T-shirt, you don’t want people to think, “Oh, I see. Feminists look tired.”

      Show the world your best self by consistently sticking to two skin-care routines, one for daytime and one for nighttime. The morning routine is simple, gentle, and natural, giving you the glow you need to start your day. The evening routine, on the other hand, gives you the preserved look of an ageless trophy wife with the use of harsh chemicals, industrial-strength sandblasters, and demonic texts you can somehow read.

      Here’s the scoop on skin!

       IN THE AM:

       When you wake, give thanks. Another day has been gifted to you and your combination/oily skin. The best way to approach morning skin care is to think natural. No harsh chemicals, no punishing scrubs, just the earth-based goodness women have trusted for centuries. Here’s a basic guide to rising and shining, without that shine showing up on your T-zone:

      Fill a basin with hot water from your favorite kettle, perhaps the one you inherited from your beloved grandmother.

      While leaning comfortably over the basin, drape a soft linen towel over your head so that it covers the entire tub.

      Let the steam gently open your pores. Breathe deeply. Feel deeply.

      Visualize a positive, happy, balanced day. Visualize

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