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teaching your young child to fall asleep alone and happy

      Putting your child to bed while you are there snuggling with her is easy. The challenge that most parents face is getting a child to learn to fall asleep without Mum or Dad there. All the steps so far in this chapter are designed to help your child feel comfortable and happy at bedtime, but how do you move towards sleep independence in a way your child will accept?

      A better question is this: is it realistic for parents to expect all young kids to fall asleep alone? In our experience the answer is no. Around age two or three a child’s imagination kicks in and they develop a fear of being alone in the dark at night. They can imagine monsters in the closet or under the bed. Or they may simply want you there for no particular reason. This is normal behaviour for a child. But because these fears are irrational, most parents don’t take them seriously and simply expect their child to get over them. Even kids who slept alone as babies can begin to fear sleeping alone later on.

      So how can parents get their kids to be happy going to bed alone? Slowly, gradually, and as peacefully as possible. Getting your child to sleep independently implies helping her get used to needing less of you and comfortably relying on her own self-settling abilities. It means gradually weaning your child from your arms, voice, and eventually your presence at her bedside as she falls asleep.

      If you have been staying with your child while she falls asleep up to this point, then there is probably very little stress to overcome. If your child used to fall asleep alone but has stopped, and you now realize that there may have been some months of stress while you’ve tried to accomplish sleep independence again, then you will probably need to take a step backwards in the weaning process, reconnect with your child, spend a few weeks or months letting your child fall asleep worry-free with you right there next to her, then begin what we call the “fading away” process.

      On pages we go into detail on how to slowly fade out of your child’s bedroom. Skip ahead now and read those pages if you are currently trying to achieve this goal.

      We would like to summarize the fading away idea here for the purposes of this chapter:

       Snuggle to sleep. Lie in bed with your child while he falls asleep.

       Camp out next to bed. Sit on the floor next to your child while she goes to sleep.

       Move in and out. Leave the room for brief intervals, but come back frequently.

       Check on your child. Hang around in the hallway or next room, but peek your head in to let your child know you’re there.

       Infrequent checks. Come back to your child’s room every 5 or 10 minutes until he’s asleep.

      Realistically, this is not a welcome idea for parents who used to enjoy the evenings alone when their baby was a good sleeper. No parent wants to go backward in this weaning process. But if you don’t re-create a stress-free bedtime, your child will likely continue to have nighttime fears, anxiety, and stress for many years. Put in a little time now. View this as a short season in your parenting career. In the long run, your child will be better for it.

      In chapter 7 we will go into more detail about how to transition a toddler from needing your presence to fall asleep. We will also discuss how to move a child out of your room and into his own.

      food for sleep

      Toddlers have tiny tummies. They usually need a snack before going to bed. Just remember that what children eat affects how they sleep. Some foods contribute to restful sleep – we call them “sleepers”. Other foods – “wakers” – get in the way of a good night’s sleep. “Wakers” are caffeine- and sugar-containing foods that stimulate neurochemicals that perk up the brain. “Sleepers” are foods that contain tryptophan. Tryptophan is an amino acid that the body uses to make serotonin and melatonin, neurochemicals that slow down nerve traffic and relax the busy brain.

      It’s a good idea to eat tryptophan-containing foods with complex carbohydrates. The carbohydrates help usher more tryptophan into the brain so it can manufacture more sleep-inducing neurotransmitters. Without carbohydrates to help, other amino acids that ride along with tryptophan, such as tyrosine, can perk up the brain and keep the child awake. High-protein, low-carbohydrate menus are best saved for breakfast, when it’s time for the sleeping brain to wake up and be busy.

      Carbohydrates all by themselves are not good sleeper foods. There’s no tryptophan in these foods, and sugary, junk-food carbohydrates eaten all by themselves can set you up for a blood-sugar roller coaster ride. First, you get a jolt of energy from the sugar. A couple hours later, when your blood sugar falls, causing your body to release stress hormones, you feel restless. If you’re sleeping, you may wake up.

      Calcium is another “sleeper” nutrient. It helps the brain use tryptophan to manufacture melatonin. Magnesium, another sleep-inducing mineral, is found especially in whole-grain cereal, sunflower seeds, spinach, tofu, and nuts.

      So what makes a good bedtime snack? The best sleepy snacks contain protein, healthy carbohydrates, and some calcium and magnesium. So how about grandma’s classic bedtime snack of homemade biscuits and milk? The glass of milk contains tryptophan, healthy carbohydrates (lactose), and calcium. Homemade oatmeal biscuits contain healthy carbohydrates to partner with the proteins in the milk.

      Best snooze foods

      Here are foods that contain significant amounts of the sleep-inducing amino acid tryptophan. Try these for dinner and bedtime snacks.

       dairy products: cottage cheese, cheese, milk

       soy products: soy milk, tofu

       seafood

       meats

       poultry

       whole grains

       beans

       hummus

       lentils

       hazelnuts, peanuts (Nuts and seeds are not safe for children under three; try nut butters, or grind up nuts into a fine meal and sprinkle them on other foods)

       eggs

      Don’t worry, be sleepy!

      Stress stimulates the body to release cortisol, which can deplete the brain of tryptophan. This is one of many biochemical ways in which stress keeps you awake. So enjoy those bedtime snacks in a stress-free, peaceful environment, to get the maximum benefit from tryptophan.

      Best sleepy snacks

      For good snacks to sleep by, try these protein-carbohydrate-calcium combinations:

       milk and whole-grain biscuit (e.g. raisin-oatmeal)

       milk and whole-grain cereal

       a hard-boiled egg and a slice of whole-grain toast

       a half peanut butter sandwich on whole-grain bread (see age advice above)

       homemade apple pie and ice cream (our favourite)

       tofu and fruit The above snacks contain just enough carbohydrates, calcium, and protein to relax rather than perk up the brain. It takes about an hour for all these sleep-inducers to reach the brain.

      Best dinners for sleep

      The foods you serve your child at dinner can help him get to sleep, too. Here are some dinners to help wind down your family. (These foods, in small portions, make great bedtime snacks too, even if they’re a bit unconventional.)

       chilli with beans, not spicy

       sesame seeds

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