The Baby Sleep Book: How to help your baby to sleep and have a restful night - Martha Sears

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to stay there. Instead, put yourself into the mind of your child as he crawls back into his own bed, wide awake, and lies there, staring at the wall. “I’m afraid, and my Mummy won’t help me”, he thinks. Or, “I wish my Daddy was here with me.” Remember that a child’s needs are not always rational from an adult’s point of view.

       I don’t want her nighttime memories filled with her screaming from her cot. I don’t want my memories filled with hearing her scream from her cot.

       Talk it out during the day. Sit your child down in the afternoon and tell him that you want to help him with his nighttime worries. Decide on a plan together. Perhaps you will go back to his bed with him when he wakes up, and lie down with him until he falls asleep again. Maybe you will decide to put a mattress or a comforter on the floor in your room, where he can sleep if he gets scared during the night. Maybe you and your child will come up with another idea.

       Act quickly at night. When your child wakes up in the night and comes into your room, don’t get into a debate with him about going back to his own bed. Just do what you planned to do. Take him back to his room and fall asleep together in his bed. Or, get him settled in his little bed in your room. Or let him climb in bed with you. The object here is to get everyone back to sleep without feeding your child’s nighttime fears.

       Enjoy a peaceful day with active play. As we have said before, minimizing the stress in your child’s daytime life will minimize nighttime problems. If the daytime stress is unavoidable, be prepared to live with a few sleep problems until things settle down. Encourage your child to run, jump, and be active during the day. This tires him out, and it also alleviates tension and anxiety.

       Wean him back to sleeping alone. As your child starts to feel more secure at night, you can begin to work on getting him back to sleeping alone. He may decide that if he wakes up he will join you in his special bed in your room without waking you. Or you can take him back to his bed, staying with him just until he’s nearly asleep. Tell him “I’ll be back in a minute to check on you”, and then be sure to come back.

       Dim the lighting. Too much light may keep your child awake, but a nightlight may keep him from being afraid when he wakes up alone in the dark. Keeping the hall light on with the door open is another good option.

      Long-term nighttime stress can lead to long-term sleep insecurities that can create daytime insecurities and problems with self-confidence. That’s a mouthful, but we want you to understand it. Picture the following two scenarios:

      Alex is four years old and had been sleeping well in his own room. Bedtime was a relaxing routine of stories, hugs and kisses, and sweet dreams. Until tonight. When his Dad tries to put him to bed, he protests that he wants his Dad to stay with him. When Dad says no, Alex asks for an extra hug and kiss, a longer story, tucking in the covers better, or whatever else he can think of to keep Dad around for an extra minute or two. Dad leaves his room, and Alex starts getting out of bed every five minutes to ask for a drink of water, to find out what his parents are watching on TV, to ask what he’s doing tomorrow, or to complain that he’s hungry. His parents send him directly back to bed, alone. On subsequent nights, Alex’s tactics escalate into complaints of tummy aches and headaches. He takes a long time to fall asleep and doesn’t seem quite as happy and secure in the daytime anymore. He even starts wetting the bed (something he’d never done before). This goes on for years, and as he grows through childhood he feels that bedtime is a time of loss and separation.

      Now let’s meet the same child, but with different parental responses.

      Alex is four years old and had been sleeping well in his own room. Bedtime was a fun routine of stories, hugs and kisses, and sweet dreams. Until tonight. When his Dad tries to put him to bed, he protests that he wants his Dad to stay with him. His Dad gives him an extra long hug, stays in the room for a few minutes pretending like he’s putting some clothes away, lingers in the hallway busily, then tells Alex goodnight (kiss, hug, and tuck again), and leaves. Alex is asleep in two minutes. He just needed a little extra something that particular night, and his Dad gave it to him.

      Dad discusses this situation with Mum. While they want to keep their early bedtime routine with Alex (they like their evenings uninterrupted, and don’t want to have to waste an extra hour every night trying to cater to their child’s bedtime fears), they also have been sensitive to his changing needs over the years. They didn’t push it when he needed some time getting used to starting preschool. They didn’t leave him crying with a babysitter, but took the time to help him feel comfortable and playful. They’ve yet to go on a holiday without him. Now they realize that their child is trying to tell them he is feeling anxious about being away from them at night. They understand that if they fulfil his needs now for the short term, they won’t turn into long-term unfulfilled needs that will leave him feeling insecure over the years. They also know that if they meet those needs without Alex continuously having to ask (or protest), his needs should diminish faster. Plus, everyone will be happier.

      So the next night when Alex protests when Dad turns to leave the room, Dad sits on Alex’s bed and says “I don’t mind staying with you for a little while. You rest your eyes, and I’ll sit by the bed here for a few minutes.” Dad winds up spending the next three weeks lingering in Alex’s room or the nearby hallway at bedtime. Sometimes he folds laundry while waiting for Alex to fall asleep. He sits in the chair and uses a tiny clamp-on book light to read without turning on the overhead light. He doesn’t interact much with Alex, he’s just there. Sometimes he tells Alex that he needs to go in the other room, but he will be back to check on him in a few minutes. He putters around, making just enough noise for Alex to know he is close by. It is a very slow weaning process that, while time-consuming, really pays off in the long run. Eventually Alex returns to his former easy-to-sleep routine, and his parents get their evenings back.

       Bedtime was always a drawn-out affair in our family. The routine took forty-five minutes to an hour, especially with my oldest son, who has always been very tuned in to what’s going on around him. Now, many years later, everybody goes to bed on their own. My three children are expert sleepers who rarely have trouble falling asleep at night. I’m the one who needs to stop at my kids’ bedroom doors to chat for a few minutes and connect with them before I can fall asleep.

       the facts about infant sleep and what they mean for parents

      The steps and tips on how to get your infant and toddler to sleep that we shared with you in the first two chapters of this book are based on general principles about how babies and toddlers sleep. When you know why babies do the things they do, it is easier to work out how to respond.

      Learning more about how babies sleep and why they wake up during the night will help you understand the nighttime parenting strategies we suggest in this book. It will also help you bring a helpful attitude to caring for your baby’s nighttime needs.

      Read all about it! We want you to understand why babies sleep the way they do – or don’t. First, here are some general facts about sleep.

      How adults sleep. There are two main states of sleep – REM (rapid-eye-movement sleep) and non-REM. The term “falling” asleep is biologically correct. As you drift off to sleep, you enter non-REM sleep, and over the next hour and a half you descend through the levels of this sleep state until you are at level four, the deepest level of sleep. You may even sleep through a phone ringing, or here in

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