Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas - F. Anstey

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deah boys!

       Just to look a bit ahead before they leap,

       And instead of laying down an extry ship, deah boys!

       They'll cut down the whole caboodle—On the Cheap!

      Chorus (with spirit and fervour).

      And keep, deah boys! On the Cheap!

       For we ain't like a bloomin' lot o' sheep.

      This song, if sung with any spirit, should, Mr. Punch thinks, cause a positive furore in any truly patriotic gathering, and possibly go some way towards influencing the decision of the country, and consequently the fate of the Empire, in the next General Elections. In the meantime it is at the service of any Champion Music Hall Comique who is capable of appreciating it.

       Table of Contents

      "—And the Post!" "—And the Post!"

      In most respects, no doubt, the present example can boast no superiority to ditties in the same style now commanding the ear of the public. One merit, however, its author does claim for it. Though it deals with most of the burning questions of the hour, it can be sung anywhere with absolute security. This is due to a simple but ingenious method by which the political sentiment has been arranged on the reversible principle. A little alteration here and there will put the singer in close touch with an audience of almost any shade of politics. Should it happen that the title has been already anticipated, Mr. Punch begs to explain that the remainder of this sparkling composition is entirely original; any similarity with previous works must be put down entirely to "literary coincidence." Whether the title is new or not, it is a very nice one, viz:—

      BETWEEN YOU AND ME—AND THE POST.

      (To be sung in a raucous voice, and with a confidential air.)

      I've dropped in to whisper some secrets I've heard.

       Between you and me and the Post!

       Picked up on the wing by a 'cute little bird.

       We are gentlemen 'ere—so the caution's absurd,

       Still, you'll please to remember that every word

       Is between you and me and the Post!

      Chorus (to which the singer should dance).

      Between you and me and the Post! An 'int is sufficient at most.

       I'd very much rather this didn't go farther, than 'tween you and me and the Post!

      At Lord Sorlsbury's table there's sech a to-do.

       Between you and me and the Post!

       When he first ketches sight of his dinner menoo, And sees he's set down to good old Irish stoo— Which he's sick of by this time—now, tell me, ain't you? Between you and me and the Post!

      (This happy and pointed allusion to the Irish Question is sure to provoke loud laughter from an audience of Radical sympathies. For Unionists, the words "Lord Sorlsbury's"can be altered by our patent reversible method into "the G. O. M.'s," without at all impairing the satire.) Chorus, as before.

      The G. O. M.'s hiding a card up his sleeve.

       Between you and me and the Post!

       Any ground he has lost he is going to retrieve,

       And what his little game is, he'll let us perceive, And he'll pip the whole lot of 'em, so I believe, Between you and me and the Post! (Chorus.)

      (The hit will be made quite as palpably for the other side by substituting "Lord Sorlsbury's," &c., at the beginning of the first line, should the majority of the audience be found to hold Conservative views.)

      Little Randolph won't long be left out in the cold.

       Between you and me and the Post!

       If they'll let him inside the Conservative fold,

       He has promised no longer he'll swagger and scold,

       But to be a good boy, and to do as he's told,

       Between you and me and the Post! (Chorus.)

      (The mere mention of Lord Randolph's name is sufficient to ensure the success of any song.)

      Joey Chamberlain's orchid's a bit overblown,

       Between you and me and the Post!

      (This is rather subtle, perhaps, but an M.-H. audience will see a joke in it somewhere, and laugh.)

      'Ow to square a round table I'm sure he has shown.

      (Same observation applies here.)

      But of late he's been leaving his old friends alone,

       And I fancy he's grinding an axe of his own,

       Between you and me and the Post! (Chorus.)

      (We now pass on to Topics of the Day, which we treat in a light but trenchant fashion.)

      On the noo County Councils they've too many nobs,

       Between you and me and the Post!

       For the swells stick together, and sneer at the mobs;

       And it's always the rich man the poor one who robs.

       We shall 'ave the old business—all jabber and jobs!

       Between you and me and the Post! (Chorus.)

      (N.B.—This verse should not be read to the L. C. C. who might miss the fun of it.)

      There's a new rule for ladies presented at Court,

       Between you and me and the Post!

       High necks are allowed, so no colds will be cort,

       But I went to the droring-room lately, and thort

       Some old wimmen had dressed quite as low as they ort! Between you and me and the Post! (Chorus.)

      By fussy alarmists we're too much annoyed,

       Between you and me and the Post!

       If we don't want our neighbours to think we're afroid,

       [M.-H. rhyme. Spending dibs on defence we had better avoid. And give 'em instead to the poor unemployed. [M.-H. political economy. Between you and me and the Post! (Chorus.)

      This style of perlitical singing ain't hard,

       Between you and me and the Post!

       As a "Mammoth Comique" on the bills I am starred,

       And, so long as I'm called, and angcored, and hurrar'd,

       I can rattle off rubbish like this by the yard,

       Between you and me and the Post!

      [Chorus, and dance off to sing the same song—with or without alterations—in another place.

      A Democratic Ditty. A Democratic Ditty.

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