LITMIR.BIZ

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unnatural neatness. CAPTAIN GADSBY asleep and snoring heavily. Time, 10.30 A. M.—a glorious autumn day at Simla. Enter delicately CAPTAIN MAFFLIM of GADSBY'S regiment. Looks at sleeper, and shakes his head murmuring 'Poor Gaddy.' Performs violent fantasia with hair-brushes on chair-back.

      CAPT. M. Wake up, my sleeping beauty! (Roars.)

      'Uprouse ye, then, my merry merry men!

       It is our opening day!

       It is our opening da-ay!'

      Gaddy, the little dicky-birds have been billing and cooing for ever so long; and I'm here!

      CAPT. G. (Sitting up and yawning.) 'Mornin'. This is awf'ly good of you, old fellow. Most awf'ly good of you. 'Don't know what I should do without you. On my soul, I don't. 'Haven't slept a wink all night.

      CAPT. M. I didn't get in till half-past eleven. 'Had a look at you then, and you seemed to be sleeping as soundly as a condemned criminal.

      CAPT. G. Jack, if you want to make those disgustingly worn-out jokes, you'd better go away. (With portentous gravity.) It's the happiest day in my life.

      CAPT. M. (Chuckling grimly.) Not by a very long chalk, my son. You're going through some of the most refined torture you've ever known. But be calm. I am with you. 'Shun! Dress!

      CAPT. G. Eh! Wha-at?

      CAPT. M. DO you suppose that you are your own master for the next twelve hours? If you do, of course—-(Makes for the door.)

      CAPT. G. No! For Goodness' sake, old man, don't do that! You'll see me through, won't you? I've been mugging up that beastly drill, and can't remember a line of it.

      CAPT. M. (Overhauling G's uniform.) Go and tub. Don't bother me. I'll give you ten minutes to dress in.

      Interval, filled by the noise as of one splashing in the bath-room.

      CAPT. G. (Emerging from dressing-room.) What time is it?

      CAPT. M. Nearly eleven.

      CAPT. G. Five hours more. O Lord!

      CAPT. M. (Aside.) 'First sign of funk, that. 'Wonder if it's going to spread. (Aloud.) Come along to breakfast.

      CAPT. G. I can't eat anything. I don't want any breakfast.

      CAPT. M. (Aside.) So early! (Aloud.) Captain Gadsby, I order you to eat breakfast, and a dashed good breakfast, too. None of your bridal airs and graces with me!

      Leads G. downstairs, and stands over him while he eats two chops.

      CAPT. G. (Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five minutes.) What time is it?

      CAPT. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up.

      CAPT. G. I haven't smoked for ten days, and I won't now. (Takes cheroot which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose luxuriously.) We aren't going down the Mall, are we?

      CAPT. M. (Aside.) They're all alike in these stages. (Aloud.) No, my Vestal. We're going along the quietest road we can find.

      CAPT. G. Any chance of seeing Her?

      CAPT. M. Innocent! No! Come along, and, if you want me for the final obsequies, don't cut my eye out with your stick.

      CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) I say, isn't She the dearest creature that ever walked? What's the time? What comes after 'wilt thou take this woman'?

      CAPT. M, You go for the ring. R'clect it'll be on the top of my right-hand little ringer, and just be careful how you draw it off, because I shall have the Verger's fees somewhere in my glove.

      CAPT. G. (Walking forward hastily.) D—-the Verger! Come along! It's past twelve and I haven't seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning round again.) She's an absolute angel, Jack, and She's a dashed deal too good for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or how?

      CAPT. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, I'd tell you. Stop passaging about like that!

      CAPT. G. (Halting in the middle of the road.) I say, Jack.

      CAPT. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic; and walk!

      The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes.

      CAPT. G. What's the time? How about that cursed wedding-cake and the slippers? They don't throw 'em about in church, do they?

      CAPT. M. In-variably. The Padre leads off with his boots.

      CAPT. G. Confound your silly soul! Don't make fun of me. I can't stand it, and I won't!

      CAPT. M. (Untroubled.) So-ooo, old horse! You'll have to sleep for a couple of hours this afternoon.

      CAPT. G. (Spinning round) I'm not going to be treated like a dashed child. Understand that!

      CAPT. M. (Aside) Nerves gone to fiddle-strings. What a day we're having! (Tenderly putting his hand on G's. shoulder) My David, how long have you known this Jonathan? Would I come up here to make a fool of you-after all these years?

      CAPT. G. (Penitently.) I know, I know, Jack—but I'm as upset as I can be. Don't mind what I say. Just hear me run through the drill and see if I've got it all right:—-

      'To have and to hold for better or worse, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, so help me God. Amen.'

      CAPT. M. (Suffocating with suppressed laughter) Yes. That's about the gist of it. I'll prompt if you get into a hat.

      CAPT. G. (Earnestly) Yes, you'll stick by me, Jack, won't you? I'm awf'ly happy, but I don't mind telling YOU that I'm in a blue funk!

      CAPT. M. (Gravely) Are you? I should never have noticed it. You don't LOOK like it.

      CAPT. G. Don't I? That's all right. (Spinning round.) On my soul and honour, Jack, She's the sweetest little angel that ever came down from the sky. There isn't a woman on earth fit to speak to Her.

      CAPT. M. (Aside.) And this is old Gaddy! (Aloud.) Go on if it relieves you.

      CAPT. G. You can laugh! That's all you wild asses of bachelors are fit for.

      CAPT. M. (Drawling.) You never WOULD wait for the troop to come up. You aren't quite married yet, y' know.

      CAPT. G. Ugh! That reminds me. I don't believe I shall be able to get into my boots. Let's go home and try 'em on! (Hurries forward.)

      CAPT. M. 'Wouldn't be in your shoes for anything that Asia has to offer.

      CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) That just shows your hideous blackness of soul-your dense stupidity-your brutal narrow-mindedness. There's only one fault about you. You're the best of good fellows, and I don't know what I should have done without you, but-you aren't married. (Wags his head gravely.) Take a wife, Jack.

      CAPT. M. (With a face like a wall.) Ya-as. Whose for choice?

      CAPT. G. If you're going to be a blackguard, I'm going on—What's the time?

      CAPT. M. (Hums.)—-

      'An' since 'twas very clear we drank only ginger-beer,

       Faith, there must ha'been some stingo in the ginger.'

      Come back, you maniac. I'm going to take you home, and you're going to lie down.

      CAPT. G. What on earth do I want to lie down for?

      CAPT. M. Give me a light from your cheroot and see.

      CAPT. G. (Watching cheroot-butt quiver like a tuning-fork.) Sweet state I'm in!

      CAPT. M. You

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