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       ‘“They’ll have the same,” she replied.’

      Daily Telegraph

      House of Lords amendment on the Sexual Offences Bill: ‘Page 32, line 1. Leave out “genitals”. Insert “penis”.’

       Sunday Times

       ‘There’s an old and no doubt unreliable story about Churchill and Sir Stafford Cripps, socialist member of the War Cabinet. Cripps was badgering Churchill about something and sent a civil servant to him with a message. Churchill was in the toilet and sent the civil servant back with the message that he could deal only with one shit at a time.’

       Andrew Marr, Daily Telegraph

      The late Earl of Arran introduced two Private Member’s Bills into the House of Lords. One was on badgers, the other on homosexuals. He allegedly told a friend: ‘When I spoke about badgers no one turned up. When I spoke about buggers, the place was packed.’ His friend replied: ‘There are very few badgers in the Lords.’

       Daily Telegraph

       ‘The dreadful truth is that when people come to see their MP, they have run out of better ideas.’

       Boris Johnson, Conservative MP for Henley, Daily Telegraph

      ‘Three years ago the Cabinet Office published its stultifyingly dull “Code of Practice on Written Consultation”. Now the minions of the Cabinet Office have launched a public consultation of the Code. A consultation on consulting. Not even Yes Minister went this far.’

       Observer Pendennis column

       A Sunday Telegraph correspondent revealed that a nickname for Robin Cook was PB – after Panurus biarmicus (bearded tit). Reader S G Clifford of Telford, Shropshire discovered from his bird encyclopaedia that the bearded tit is a member of the babbler family.

       Sunday Telegraph

      ‘On being appointed leader of the Conservative Party, Michael Howard said that Tory MPs should not forget that the syllable at the heart of the party’s name is “serve” – overlooking the fact that the first syllable is “con”.’

      Andrew Pierce, The Times

       ‘I was standing in the hall when a leaflet dropped through my letterbox saying: “Unfortunately there was no reply when Edwina Hart, your Labour candidate called today. We hope we can count on your support in the Assembly Election.”’

       Lyn Thomas, Swansea, The Times

      Tony Blair was 50 on 6 May 2003 and the Daily Telegraph printed ‘50 good things about the man’. No. 1 on their list was: ‘He reads the Daily Telegraph.’

      No. 1 on the Daily Mail’s list of ‘50 facts about the Premier’ was: ‘His nickname at Fettes College was Miranda, because of his fresh face and long hair.’ No. 30 was: ‘His children call him Lionel.’ No. 50 was: ‘He sang in the cathedral choir during his time at Durham Choristers’ Preparatory School, where he was nicknamed Smiling Boy.’

      The Telegraph signed off their 50-good things with: ‘Regular readers may be pleased to know that a list of 50 not-so-good things about the Prime Minister would be a lot harder to do – there’s such a lot to choose from. All the same, Happy Birthday, Mr Blair. Tomorrow normal service is resumed.’

       Responding to reports that somebody had scribbled insulting graffiti on a House of Commons table, Gordon Elliot, of Selborne, Hampshire, asked in the Independent: ‘Are you sure that the inscription didn’t read: “Tony Blair is a cult”?’

      Since House of Commons committees began meeting at the new early time of 8.55 a.m., MPs are calling for a tea-trolley service. A Commons Early Day Motion states that MPs need the ‘stimulation and refreshment of a reviving cup of tea’. Labour MP Stephen Pound said: ‘I like tea so strong you can trot a mouse across its surface.’

       Daily Mail

       At a Downing Street reception Lady Thatcher took great delight in showing visitors where she had seated Giscard when he was the French president – directly opposite portraits of Nelson and Wellington.

       Independent

      Former Labour leader Michael Foot was criticised for wearing a ‘donkey jacket’ at the Cenotaph Remembrance Service in 1981. In an interview just before his 90th birthday he said: ‘It wasn’t a donkey jacket. It was a perfectly respectable green coat. The Queen Mother liked it very much… I’ve got quite a few donkey jackets now, because lots of people send them to me in the post.’

       Daily Telegraph

       ‘Perhaps I could visit Harrogate and lounge on that beach this summer.’ Thus spake Education Secretary Charles Clarke in the Commons, forgetting that the Yorkshire spa town is landlocked and 70 miles from the nearest coast.

       Daily Telegraph

      At the height of Victorian power and prosperity in 1851 the government employed 1,628 civil servants. In 2003 the government employed a total of 516,000.

       Daily Mail

       An entry in the House of Commons Register of Members’ Interests from shadow foreign secretary Michael Ancram, covering his visit to China: ‘The cost of my flights were met by the Conservative Party and all hotel accommodation was provided by courtesy of the Chinese Communist Party.’

       Independent

      ‘My seven-year-old niece’s autograph book was sent to No.10 and she received a photograph of the Prime Minister with a facsimile signature. She read out to us the accompanying note and it came out as: “A photograph of the Prime Minister with a fake smile.”’

      Nigel Swann, Derbyshire, Daily Telegraph

       As a result of his statue of Lady Thatcher being brutally beheaded, sculptor Neil Simmons has found new customers making odd requests: ‘I now give people the option of the piece headless or with a head. There are two prices – with or without.’

       Independent

      In August 2003 Tony Blair overtook Clement Attlee as the longest continuously serving Labour prime minister. There were many fond stories about Clem, who had a reputation for modesty:

       As Roy Hattersley reminds us: ‘To Clem Attlee spin was what you put on a cricket ball. He only agreed to have a telex machine at No.10 after he was told that he could get test match scores on it.’

       Attlee penned this jingle about himself: ‘Few thought he was even a starter, There were many who thought themselves smarter, But he ended PM, CH and OM, An Earl and a Knight of the Garter.’

       Churchill quipped: ‘He had much to be modest about.’ Keith Waterhouse’s column, Daily Mail

       Lamenting the decline of such traditional British qualities as showing a stiff upper lip in the face of triumph or disaster, Leo McKinstry recalls how the modest former prime minister Clem Attlee and his wife drove themselves around the country during election campaigns – taking their own home-made sandwiches.

       Daily Mail

      Once, outside a polling station, Attlee was asked if he had a message for

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