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West Sussex, Daily Mail

       When she was a child Catherine Pease-Watkin was always somewhat alarmed by a sign at a local hospital in Yorkshire: ‘White Hart Hospital. Guard Dogs Operating.’

       Independent

      ‘Marks & Spencer used to supply bags bearing the legend: “To avoid suffocation keep away from children.”’

      Elizabeth Monkhouse NW, London, Independent

       ‘To add to your letters on misleading signs, I certainly won’t be returning in a hurry to a pub in North Yorkshire which had a notice: “Try our delicious home made pies – you’ll never get better.”’

       Ian Beresford, Stockport, Cheshire, Independent

      Sign on a bulk carrier seen on the A23 in Sussex: ‘Non-hazardous food.’

       Daily Telegraph

       Sign outside a camping shop in Lytham, Lancashire: ‘Now is the season of our discount tents.’

       Daily Telegraph

      An information slip from Oxted Library:

       Easter Opening Times 2003

       Good Friday 18 April 2003 – Closed

       Saturday 19 April 2003 – Closed

       Easter Sunday 20 April 2003 – Closed

       Monday 21 April 2003 – Closed Tony Duckworth, Oxted, Surrey, The Times

       Sign in a hospital waiting room: ‘Books 20p each. Pay at reception as honesty box has been stolen.’

      W J Brookes, Redditch, Worcestershire, Daily Mail

       Chapter 2

       Medical: What’s Up, Doc?

      Man hospitalised by milk float – driven by dog …

       A man went into Leeds Infirmary for a heart by-pass. Part of a leg vein was removed to replace a blocked artery. This meant that a tattoo on his leg, which used to read ‘I love women’, ended up reading ‘I love men’.

       Independent on Sunday

      Message seen on a wall at a Middlesex Hospital: ‘The only difference between this place and the Titanic is that they had a band.’

       Guardian

       Health advice – Beryl Bainbridge style: ‘It takes too long to get tight on champagne. On whisky it takes me only five minutes. Giving up smoking would kill me.’

       Independent

      ‘First there was a report saying that going to the pub is good for the mind. In a second blow to the health police, my dentist tells me that smoking makes your fillings last longer.’

      Jeremy Clarkson’s column in the Sun

       At the age of 105 Dolly Jackson, of Hereford, said that she started smoking when she was 14 – but was giving it up to help her live longer.

       News of the World

      The West Country Ambulance Service received a barrage of ridiculous calls over the 2003–04 festive season, including those from:

       A woman who was lonely and wanted a cuddle.

       A couple who wanted someone to fetch logs from their shed.

       A man scared of thunder.

       Someone who had lost the TV remote control. Western Morning News.

       In one recent year almost one million people were admitted to UK hospitals as a result of unfortunate and often unusual incidents (costing the NHS some £1bn). Department of Health statistics show that:

       51 people were bitten or crushed by reptiles.

       22 were bitten by a rat.

       190 had ‘come into contact with plant thorns, spines and sharp leaves’.

       369 had fallen foul of lawnmowers.

       3,038 were injured through ‘contact with a non-powered hand drill’.

       389 were admitted after crashing their bicycle into a stationary object.

       31 children under 14 got on a motorcycle and crashed into a car.

       24 were burned by ‘ignition or melting of nightwear’.

       754 were scalded by hot tap water.

       189 needed treatment after ‘foreign objects’ were accidentally left in their bodies during surgical and medical care.

       Lightning struck 65 times – but not in the same place twice. The Times/Evening Standard

      ‘As a medical student I was baffled by the abbreviation BNOR, but discovered from a nurse in the obstetric unit that it meant: “Bowels not opened regularly.”’

      Bernard Gaston, Hale, Cheshire, The Times

       A 75-year-old man was treated for a knee injury in a Wirral hospital after being hit by a milk float being ‘driven by a dog’.

       Guardian

      As a retired vet I have also come across useful acronyms. DMITO stands for ‘dog more intelligent than owner’.

      Mike Godsal, Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire, The Times

       To celebrate the 75th anniversary of the discovery of penicillin the Royal Society of Chemistry wants to find the most spectacular growth of grunge in a forgotten coffee mug. Staff in offices, factories and other work places are being asked to submit photos of the muckiest mugs in Britain. ‘Send pictures, not the mugs,’ pleads the Society.

       Independent

      Amid stories of unhygienic hospitals, I A Olsen of Aberdeen writes to The Times: ‘The quest for cleanliness can have unforeseen circumstances.

      Queen Victoria is reputed to have indignantly dismissed a doctor who carefully washed his hands – after he had examined her.’

       Stephen Brown got a phone call when he was on holiday in Spain telling him that his mother was ill and an ambulance had been called to take her into hospital. He flew back and got to Derby General Hospital before his mother did. She had had to wait more than eight hours before the ambulance arrived.

       The Times

      Doctors in Leeds have told student Ashley Clarke, 18, to eat as much junk food and drink as much beer as he likes to combat a rare medical disorder – vasovagal syncope syndrome. A high-fat, salty diet of chips, crisps and chocolate helps to fur up extra wide arteries.

       The Times/Sun

       A Liverpool doctor accused of groping an expectant mother’s breasts told her:

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