LITMIR.BIZ

      Contents

      Title Page

      Dedication

      1 Mixed Messages: Signs of the Times

      2 Medical: What’s Up, Doc?

      3 Politics: Order, Order

      4 Legal: Law and Disorder

      5 Britishness: Quintessentially British

      6 Eccentric: Where British is still Best

      7 Over Fifties: Golden Oldies

      8 Language: My Word

      9 Drinking: Drink to me Only

      10 Royalty: Royal Flush

      11 Animal Magic

      12 Media Madness

      13 Religious: Let us Pray

      14 Sport: This Unsporting Life

      15 Class: A Touch of Class

      16 Nine to Five: It’s off to Work we Go

      17 Education, Education, Education …

      18 Council Daze

      19 Food for Thought

      20 Transport: Keeping Britain Moving

      21 Love and Marriage: From Miss to Mrs. Is this what bliss is?

      22 Motoring: Driven to Distraction

      23 Afterlife: Life’s a Bitch and then you Die

      24 Army Life: Barmy Army

      25 Christmas: Let Nothing you Dismay

      26 Odds and Sods

      About the Author

      Copyright

       Chapter 1

       Mixed Messages: Signs of the Times

      Lip-enhancing gloss labelled ‘For external

       use on the oral lips only’.

      ‘The instructions with my new steam iron include the warning: “Never steam iron the garment you are wearing.”’

      Christopher Bell, Sevenoaks, Kent, The Times

       ‘Spring Health Leisure require part-time fitness instructor able to work evenings and weekends. Must be flexible.’

       Spotted in the Hartlepool Mail by Les Hester

      Seen in a car park in Bakewell, Derbyshire, a sign saying: ‘Public Toilets’. And underneath it a sign saying: ‘Have You Paid and Displayed?’

      Mrs Wendy Brant, Daily Mail

       Instructions on a new digital telephone include: ‘When the other person answers, speak.’

       Debbie Beasley, Langdon Hills, Essex, The Times

      Sign at King’s Cross railway station – designed to help passengers with pre-booked seats on the 16.28 to Doncaster: ‘Coach G is in M. M is in J. E is split between A and D.’

      Mark Carter, Beverley, Yorkshire, The Times

       Sign seen on the back window of a car: ‘Caution. Driver under the influence of children.’

       Sue Barnard, Altrincham, Cheshire, The Times

      ‘A charity that helps dead and blind people is looking for volunteers.’

      Spotted in the Hastings Observer by Mrs M Tower, of Broad Oak, East Sussex

       Because of a new EC directive it was felt necessary to put up a sign on the slopes of the Cairngorms in Scotland saying: ‘Hazard Warning. This snow could be slippery and dangerous.’

       Sunday Telegraph

      Sign on the door of a repair shop: ‘We Can Fix Anything. Please knock on the door, the bell is broken.’

       Reader’s Digest

      The @ sign used in e-mails is known as ‘monkey’s tail’ in South Africa, ‘pickled herring’ in the Czech Republic, ‘snail’ in Israel, ‘maggot’ in Hungary, ‘little mouse’ in Mandarin Chinese and ‘little monkey’s testicle’ in Holland.

       The Times

       Advert in the Glossop Chronicle & Advertiser for a factory shop closing down sale: ‘New stock arriving daily.’

       Spotted by Mr L A Penny of Glossop, Daily Mail

      A winter sports catalogue advertises: ‘Ladybird £14.95. A small city backpack for girls with a padded bottom.’

       Sunday Times

       Britain has many weird and wonderful place names (Crackpot, Blubberhouses, Pratts Bottom, Twatt, Booze) – but the US throws up some stiff competition. ‘Fearnot’ and ‘Rough and Ready’ are neighbouring towns in Pennsylvania, which led to the headline: ‘Fearnot man marries Rough and Ready Woman.’

       Independent on Sunday

      In a contest to find Britain’s silliest packaging instructions the samples below were finalists:

       A box of fire-lighters warns me that they are ‘Highly Inflammable’.

       Duncan Heenan, Isle of Wight, The Times

      Sign on the Truro - Falmouth branch railway line: ‘Toilets are closed at Falmouth Town Railway Station due to flooding. Please use Falmouth Docks.’

      Mrs A Dennant, Falmouth, Cornwall, Daily Mail

      The British affection for place names – particularly silly ones – is celebrated in the Penguin Dictionary of British Place Names, compiled by Adrian Room.

      You can soak up Booze in North Yorkshire or Beer in Devon and then go for a Wyre Piddle in Worcester.

      Members of the Loose Women’s Institute in Kent may feel they have a slight

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