The Dating Game - Carolyn Caterer

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looked at him and began to wonder if he was after a female sugar daddy, but he didn’t seem to be asking any questions that would suggest that, so I decided his motives were pretty honourable and at least he was being honest about his situation and not making stuff up to try and impress me.

      Our food arrived and we spoke about our families and childhoods. I cannot say there was any huge spark at this point, but it was certainly turning out to be a pleasant enough evening, and no mention of any ex had been made, which had to be a bonus.

      Our main courses arrived and I was pleased I chose the ravioli as Chris twirled his spaghetti around his fork in wild abandon, projecting the rich tomato sauce onto his pristine white napkin, thus demonstrating the need for him using his napkin like a bib. I couldn’t quite work out if I found this endearing or irritating, so I decided to just continue with the meal and see how I felt as time passed by and I found out more about him.

      We started talking about music and it turned out that he was a keen guitarist and that his all time hero was none other than that man of talent, Eric Clapton. Fantastic!

      “I just love Clapton, though I have to admit I am mainly into his early work and haven’t listened to much of his recent stuff, but maybe I should give it a try. Have you ever seen him live?”

      “No I haven’t, but I’d love to. How about you?” As he said this I noticed that his napkin was starting to resemble a surrealist painting, so much sauce had found its way onto it. It distracted me for a moment as I wondered if all meals were like this with him, but felt that surely he couldn’t create a mess all the time? I willed myself to stay focussed on the conversation rather than the state of his bib and continued from where I had left off.

      “Yes I have seen him live at Wembley.”

      “What was that like?” He was really interested now and I could tell that he was impressed with my concert credentials!

      “It was fantastic. I was ten rows from the front, right in line with him and it was as if he was singing just for me. One of the best concerts I have ever been to”

      “Wow, when was it?”

      I realised that at this point my youthful appearance and young outlook on life were not going to help me one iota. I couldn’t avoid the reality and so I decided to just get on and say it.

      “Er, twenty-five years ago, when you were a year old!”

      I thought this reference to his age was actually very funny, but it obviously didn’t resonate with him as there was an awkward silence while we finished our main courses and decided that we wouldn’t go for dessert after all, but compromised with a coffee before asking for the bill.

      Now here is another thing about younger men; don’t get me wrong, I think it is only fair on an internet date for a woman to pay her share of the costs of dinner. Let’s face it, if the men had to pay every time they took a woman out they would be bankrupt after a few months. However I do like them to at least offer to pay for the meal, so that I can thank them but insist that I pay my share for the reasons mentioned above. Chris obviously expected us to go Dutch from the outset and actually I was the one that asked for the bill, so he lost a few brownie points in the chivalry department.

      The Eric Clapton thing had obviously had an impact on how he viewed me. There was no escaping the age difference now and I wondered how people coped in these kind of situations when the older partner was referring to things that happened before their other half had even been born, I mean it would be like the conversations you heard your grandparents and their friends having about the war wouldn’t it? I made a mental note not to mention the Falklands conflict.

      Things seemed to fall quite flat and I began to look forward to getting back to the comfort of my home. The waiter seemed to take forever to come and take our money and was obviously desperate to find out exactly what our relationship was. Fortunately Chris did not have the body of an Adonis, well it didn’t look that way from where I was sitting. He seemed to have that look that so many post university students have; probably caused by never learning to cook properly and so surviving on takeaways and ready meals. I always feel that they are poised on the edge of lardiness and have no idea what is going to hit them when they turn thirty and realise that an hour of football on a Sunday morning after a curry and a load of beers the night before is no longer going to keep them at even a decent level of fitness. Maybe his job would keep him active enough to delay this phenomenon, but I wasn’t so sure, judging from the way he cleaned up his plate with the entire bread basket that had been placed before us.

      We left the restaurant and said a friendly but final goodbye and I knew that neither of us would be in contact again. It wasn’t anything to do with actively disliking each other, but the spark had definitely failed to ignite after the Clapton revelation.

      *****************************************************

      “That has to be the best one yet!” Was Aleks’s giggling response to my tale one evening when I had gone over to a dinner party.

      “Yes, it was rather funny I have to admit, even if it did finish the date off for good and left no prospect for any future dates either by showing him just how old I was.”

      “I just don’t understand why you would point it out to him in the first place Jen. I mean are you trying to sabotage yourself or something?”

      “Honestly Aleks, if he doesn’t have a sense of humour about that then he really isn’t the right one for me is he? Let’s at least be honest!”

      “True. Anyway I’m not the one to criticise as I think you’re very brave to do the internet dating thing at all. I know I couldn’t do it, so I have to congratulate you for you giving it a go, especially when you consider the quality of your dates so far, which, let’s face it, have on the whole been more than a little disappointing.”

      “Of course you could do it; the thing is that you have never had to, being a complete man magnet!!”

      “I cannot deny that. The thing is, the magnetism never seems to last for long before I am back out there searching. It would be nice to meet someone and actually be in it for the long term rather than wondering when it is going to all come to an end because I get bored with the very thing that attracted me in the first place. I know you talk about good old fashioned male manners, but I seem to attract Neanderthal man in disguise. At first he seems pretty normal but then turns into this complete couch potato chauvinist who expects me to cook and clean for him and then give him a blow job during Match of the Day.”

      I couldn’t help laughing at this scenario, until I caught the look on Aleks’s face.

      “Oh so you think I am joking do you? Believe me that was a very good description of my relationship with Nick. He was such a bastard and it took me eighteen months to realise what he was really like, namely a farting nose-picking idiot who had no idea about the practicalities of living like a human being; he seemed to think that clothes and dishes made their way to the kitchen to be washed by the fairy on front of the packaging.”

      “Oh do stop exaggerating!”

      “I am not exaggerating. I got so fed up with him that I made sure I had enough clean clothes to last me for 3 weeks and then did no washing at all. After a week he seemed completely surprised that there were no clean shirts in the wardrobe and even more bemused when I asked him if he had washed any! In the end I decided he would never change his ways so he had to go. I want to be in a partnership and not in a slave/master relationship and I don’t want any smart comments about that last statement.”

      I was beginning to wonder if there was any hope for woman kind at this rate, but I took heart from the fact that I had plenty of friends who had good relationships or great marriages.

      My Mum had certainly not seemed to be too worried as I headed through my twenties, at the lack of any constant boyfriend and kept reminding me that she hadn’t

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