LITMIR.BIZ

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did when I peered in through the café window from across the road. This is always a good ploy as, if they look as if they are some psychopathic knife wielding pervert then you can do a runner and text them to say your Mother has been taken seriously ill at short notice (because at this stage they have no idea that she is a feisty seventy year old who is strutting her funky stuff at a local tea dance).

      I had dressed in an outfit that could look quite demure or become far more sexy depending on what the chemistry was between us. My top had a plunging neckline, which Polly informed me would be a real distraction if I wasn’t careful and so I had teamed it up with a pink scarf which I had arranged to ensure that I had control over what was seen by my date.

      The first thing that struck me about Paul was that he actually looked a lot thinner than his photo (and believe me the biggest complaint from men and women on these sites is that the person they meet is twenty years older and sixty pounds heavier) and I did wonder if I had the right man, but as he was the only short haired blonde man in the café then I took the chance that it had to be him and boldly strode up and introduced myself.

      He fidgeted nervously, but managed to order me a coffee and we started to talk. I was calmness personified (remember, I had my Madonna mantra to help me out and the knowledge that surely this had to be a better date than Ian?).

      We had a bit of banter and I remarked that he looked thinner than his photograph, to which he replied:

      “Yes, that photo was taken at the beginning of the year, before I split up with my wife and I’ve lost two stone in weight since then.”

      Already the alarm bells were ringing more loudly than I had anticipated at such an early stage in our meeting and I could see Madonna heading off out of the door and into the nearest raw food café. I decided that I was made of sterner stuff and to reserve judgement until I had found out more details. Just because he had split up with his wife, did not necessarily mean that he was weighed down with emotional baggage, although my gut instinct did tell me that he was probably sporting at least two large suitcases.

      “So what happened to your marriage then?” Yes, I know, why on earth did I stay and ask that question?

      “I discovered that my wife had been having an affair for three years”

      “Yikes, that must have been a bit of a shock. Who was it with; the milkman?!”

      “Yes” By now his eyes were misting up and I wanted a tidal wave to carry me out of the café as soon as possible. My humorous remark had completely backfired and I seemed to have plunged him into a state of despair. His shoulders slumped and he looked downcast. I couldn’t help but feel responsible following my inane chatter and decided to offer him a heartfelt apology for my crass statement, which far from lightening the mood had just served to cause him misery.

      “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so flippant. The milkman, well I guess it can’t get much worse than that then eh?”

      “It can when he also happens to be your best mate.”

      Shit, shit, shit! I couldn’t believe this conversation. It was as if I’d suddenly acquired a sixth sense and not in a good way! I was starting to become paranoid about asking him anything in case I put my great big foot in it yet again. I searched my brain for a remark that was neither vacuous nor likely to cause even further emotional pain.

      “So how many women have you been out with since you’ve been on the website?”

      “You’re the first and I must admit I was really nervous about meeting you, but I’m not any more as you seem really nice.”

      Oh no, my gut instinct (and Madonna) were both on overdrive as I realised that this was definitely a rebound guy with so much emotional baggage I swear he was shrinking under the weight of it all. I just knew that I had to get myself out of there and make sure that I didn’t offer him any false hope or a shoulder to cry on for that matter. I breathed in deeply and prepared myself to give him the PBO (polite brush off).

      “Well Paul, I think you are doing very well for a first date and my advice to you is to get out there and just meet as many women as possible so that you actually look forward to it and get back into the dating groove, so to speak.”

      “Oh” He looked crestfallen and I had to steel myself not to give in and agree to a second date, which I knew would be a bad thing to do and that I would regret it if I did. His big brown puppy dog eyes looked forlornly across the table at me as he shifted in his seat. It took all my strength not to give in and suggest a second meeting, but I kept reminding myself that you cannot date someone simply because you feel sorry for him and I knew that was all I felt. There was a distinct sadness about him and a lack of joi de vivre, which was easily explained by his circumstances, but he needed therapy, not a girlfriend and I wondered if I would be overstepping the mark by suggesting that counselling would perhaps be a better option than a dating site at this moment in his life. Common sense snapped back at me that offering advice like this was even more likely to have him hanging on to me like a drowning man and, that I really had to be quite tough on myself as well as him. I wasn’t on this website to mend other people’s broken hearts, I was looking for someone who had glued theirs back together, just as I had done mine and was ready to brave the world of relationships once more. Alas Paul was not the man.

      I finished my coffee as soon as I could without looking as if I was in a desperate hurry to leave. Paul was beginning to realise that perhaps this wasn’t the meeting with the love of his life and thanked me for making his first date on the internet as good as it had been. He even admitted that I probably wasn’t his type, so I felt he had made some progress in just an hour or so and that there was hope for him in the long term. I then made my excuses and headed off to the sanctuary of my car.

      So two dates down and I realised that so far the exes were not coming out of this too well.

      “Remember that you are only hearing one side of the story” Anna said when I updated her on the latest meeting.

      “Yes, but at the moment it is a pretty depressing side! Do they not understand that the last thing you want to hear about during a first meeting is their ex and it doesn’t matter if she is the Snow Queen or Snow White either! Talk about a turn off!”

      “I guess the only thing to do then is to filter them out before you meet them”

      “Mmm, good idea. I will make it a rule that I don’t meet up with men who have been separated for less than a year and even then I will check via email the amount of emotional baggage that they are carrying around. It will certainly save me a lot of wasted time in coffee shops, though I fear it may severely affect the price of coffee in the short term!”

      “Well I have to confess that it is making coming into work even more appealing than normal.” Anna curled her long legs underneath her as she lounged in the big chair in the corner of my office. “I think Ben was wondering if I had a secret lover until I explained that listening to you and your stories of internet dating was far better than any soap opera and hence I was keen to get into work to hear the latest episode.”

      “Thanks a bunch” I laughed and took out the latest accounts, fixing Anna with a steely grin. “Now you are all agog let’s go through these figures and see how we are doing with the important matter of our company and its profits!”

      Later on armed with the information Anna had given me and new dating strategy, I applied myself to the website with renewed enthusiasm. The downside was that it meant I could eliminate about eighty per cent of the men who were contacting me with only a couple of emails, but I decided that it was definitely going to be a case of quality over quantity.

      Anyway I had only signed up to this website for three months so, if it didn’t work I would just have to try another one and there seemed to be so many out there I knew that one had to be right for me.

      I felt confident that, like any marketing guru I would find my target

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