LITMIR.BIZ

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the piece of muffin before I had a greasy stain on my shoe, but luckily a hefty kick against the table saw the guilty piece fall to the floor.

      The next ten minutes seemed to be more like a tennis match with me waving my arms around in an attempt to bat the barrage of cake crumbs away as he talked about his favourite football team (I didn’t know Guildford Town held such an allure for soccer fans) while at the same time trying not to show my boredom by yawning for fear that one of those crumbs would land inside my mouth and I would regurgitate my Danish Pastry all over the leather Starbucks chair.

      I sat listening to him droning on about his lifelong support for his team, wondering if perhaps internet dating really was a kind of hell on earth when I felt that I was being watched. I glanced up through the window to my left and there, across the other side of the mall was none other than my ex-boyfriend, whom I had not seen in three years.

      Oh hell, what on earth was he doing here and why oh why did he have to see me when I looked like I was doing an impression of Kate Bush singing Wuthering Heights? How could I get out of this situation without being totally humiliated? I hoped, that Steven would merely think that this mad woman just looked a bit like me (I had changed my hair after all) and would then go off and do whatever it was he was in Guildford to do. No such luck of course, because this is real life where humiliation usually wins over everything else.

      I turned towards Simon and tried to look totally enthralled in the conversation, thinking that perhaps this would be a not so subtle way of telling Steven to ‘fuck off’.

      Of course that didn’t happen and the next minute a voice was ringing out next to me.

      “Jen, how great to see you. Long time etcetera, etcetera. You look great, gorgeous. How are things?”

      “Fine thanks” I glared back at him willing the earth to choose one of us to swallow up, but the earth was obviously having too much fun witnessing my discomfort, to assist me in any shape or form.

      “Who is this?” Simon’s words betrayed the fact that he obviously did not like being interrupted.

      “Just a friend, a former friend.” I attempted to sound calm and not give Steven any more ammunition knowing just how much he loved to stir things up. Actually, considering I knew that much about him from very early on in our relationship has always made me question how it was that I didn’t work things out for myself. However more about that later. In terms of the current situation I wanted to get rid of him as quickly as possible, before he asked too many questions and was able to work out that Simon and I were in fact meeting for the first time. The thing is, I also didn’t want him to think that anything romantic was going on between the two of us, as that would make the humiliation even worse.

      I wondered how I was going to get out of this situation and how long Steven had been watching us from across the mall. The longer it was the more likely he would have been to witness the whole spitting thing. This really was not doing my credibility any good at all.

      While I contemplated my next step, Steven and Simon were sizing each other up, in what can only be described as a rather comical way. They really were starting to remind me of peacocks as they seemed to preen and puff themselves up in a way that only men can. Steven of course with his muscular body (easy to tell despite the leather jacket and scarf) had no competition from Simon in the hot body respect, with Simon’s rather soft features (i.e. his belly) contrasting with the chic, smooth and smartly turned out Steven and didn’t they both know it. I was beginning to wonder if they would shortly challenge each other to pistols at dawn, when I was saved by the bell; Steven’s mobile blared out from his jacket pocket and, he quickly pulled it out and read the text message, his eyes lighting up his tanned face. He snapped the phone shut and beamed at us both.

      “Sorry, important business to attend to, so must dash. Perhaps we will catch up another time.” He looked triumphantly at Simon and then bent down to give me a kiss on each cheek.

      “Jen darling, always a pleasure. See you again soon I hope. Ciao.” He winked at me and then sauntered out of the shop looking very smug.

      “What a complete…”

      “… and utter waste of space, arse, idiot?” I proffered.

      “What a completely charming chap. Very buff I think women would call him, don’t you?” Said Simon.

      You could have knocked me over with a feather at this reaction. I knew I had to get out of there fast before any further interrogation took place about my friendship with Steven. I hate talking about my exes, but I particularly didn’t want to start with this ex.

      Fortunately mobile ‘phone technology was to come to my aid once more as mine started to ring. I apologised profusely (if not sincerely) for leaving it on and then answered it anyway as I could see it was Anna.

      “Everything OK Jen?” Came Anna’s voice.

      “Oh no that’s awful, are you alright?” I started to look concerned.

      “Things not going so well I imagine.”

      “Absolutely, of course I can come straight over. Hope you can cope with the baby until I get there.”

      “Baby. God, you are desperate to get out of this one. I can’t wait to hear and will see if Polly can pop round too; we could both do with a laugh.”

      “No problem. I‘ll be with you in half an hour then. Bye.”

      I turned to Simon who had continued to spray cake crumbs about his person while managing to remain oblivious to the chocolate stains forming on his jumper.

      “I’m so sorry but I have to go. One of my friends has got the vomit bug so I really don’t want to leave her alone with a four month old baby to look after. I need to head over to hers and see what I can do.”

      “Good Lord, doesn’t she have a husband?!” Spluttered Simon, looking rather miffed at this development.

      “Yes, but he’s in the army; Afghanistan.” I impressed myself at this brilliant ad lib.

      “Well, what about family?”

      “Oh she’s an orphan, no family.” This was pushing my luck a bit, but I was desperate.

      “Oh well, never mind. We can catch up some other time.”

      I was pleased and annoyed at the same time when I stood up to leave as he remained resolutely seated in his chair, which I found quite rude, and noted that Miss Austen would be very unimpressed at this behaviour, but also acknowledged that this meant I would not have to start ducking and diving to avoid the whole kissing saga.

      Seeing the amount of cake on his hands as well as his clothing I stepped back and with a wave of my hand, wished him well, in what I thought was a firm and yet final way and headed off back to the car park and the safety of my MX5.

      Half an hour later I was sitting on Anna’s sofa sipping yet another latte and updating Anna and Polly on the latest dating disaster.

      “So which was worse, the spitting or the crumbs?” Asked Polly.

      “Why on earth are you expecting me to make a choice? I have no intention of seeing him ever again and will have to write yet another email politely declining any further meetings or correspondence, without pointing out the main issue with the cake and the crumbs. It’s put me off chocolate chip muffins for life I can tell you.”

      “So what was it like seeing Steven?” Anna raised her eyebrows.

      “Well, not as bad as it could have been thanks to the lure of a text. A filthy one if the look on his face was anything to go by. The funny thing was that Simon seemed to actually be taking a shine to him.”

      The three of us started to giggle at the thought.

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