LITMIR.BIZ

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realise? Gasped Polly.

      “Simon doesn’t actually strike me as the type of man who has any gaydar. Just as well really. After all, how was I going to explain that this gay man was my former boyfriend? It doesn’t look good does it? He’s either going to think I was a bit dense for not realising it, or wonder if I was too assertive in bed and turned him gay!!”

      “You could have explained that when you first dated him you did wonder yourself but he insisted he was bi.” Suggested Anna.

      “Ah yes, because that is the kind of conversation you have on the first meeting with a total stranger, isn’t it? Pass me another biscuit and not chocolate chip!”

      “I have to say though Jen, so far the dates have been a bit disappointing if not quite dire. Bearing in mind this is supposed to be the cream of the crop, so to speak, aren’t you beginning to wonder if perhaps all the claims of finding love online are in fact a bit over-hyped?”

      These words were still resonating in my ears later on that evening at home, where I sat in front of my bookcase wondering which Jane Austen novel would be the most appropriate to read in the middle of all this modern dating turmoil and challenges.

      Having been born only a few miles from her last home, and possessing a romantic streak from the age of five, when I erroneously thought that finding a husband meant the bride to be walked up and down a line of handsome men until she found one she liked and hey presto, they all lived happily ever after, I suppose it was inevitable that I would migrate towards these rather innocent sounding tales laced with some witty and cutting observations, rather than immerse myself in the drama and pain offered by the Bronte sisters. Whenever I felt frustrated in love, or life for that matter, I would choose one of Austen’s books and re-read it to enjoy another world where things seemed so much simpler, even if no one had any of the modern devices we take for granted such as washing machines and central heating, but where love always one through in the end. I felt sure that Mr Collins would have been prone to spitting his food across the table and so no wonder Elizabeth Bennett felt she could not accept his marriage proposal.

      What I needed now was a good old fashioned romance, which all works out despite seemingly being in the doldrums early on, so my hand headed straight to my well worn copy of ‘Persuasion’ and I sat on the sofa, book in one hand and hot chocolate in the other and transported myself to this other world to escape the rather disappointing reality of my own.

      Two hours later I was wondering if I would find any man who could possibly match up to Captain Wentworth, not helped any more by the fact that a recent television adaptation of this novel had seen Rupert Penry Jones usurping pride of place from Colin Firth in my list of favourite Jane Austen actors.

      Where, for instance would I find a man who would induce my bosoms to heave and cause me to swoon at the mere sight of him? Hmm, this could be much harder than I thought.

      However I had only tried one site so far, and maybe it was time to branch out and experiment with some of the others out there, but where was I to start?

      “I know just the site for you.” Declared Kate, my hairdresser, a few days later as I updated her on the not quite so hot men that had I had met from the first website.

      “I saw it advertised in The Guardian, so it must have some pretty intelligent men on there who are interested like you in literature (though of course I cannot guarantee Jane Austen, who, you have to admit, is not exactly the kind of writer you will see the average man queuing up to read) and stuff like that. Plus the best thing about this one is that you get matched on your compatibility based on some psychological test that you have to take. So you see all in all they filter out the duds for you and save you the time and effort. What could be more perfect than that?”

      Indeed, I thought as I logged on later that evening to parfection.com and spent twenty minutes filling in a detailed questionnaire. While it seemed a bit of a pain at the time I reassured myself that, anyone who was prepared to go through this process must surely be looking for a serious relationship, so I wouldn’t be batting away innuendos from men who were looking not for true love but instead one night of ‘lurve’.

      Taking a deep breath and getting out my credit card yet again for the privilege of finding my soul mate I wondered if in fact my credit card was a modern version of a dowry? All I could hope was that this time my investment was going to bring me greater rewards than it had done on its previous dalliance with the world of internet dating.

      Not long after I was sent a number of details about men that were more than eighty percent compatible with me and started to look through them.

      Not one to let my previous experience turn me into a cynical old cow, I started to scan the basic details of these men, who were first sent over without a photo, so you couldn’t just immediately dismiss them on looks alone.

      The major challenge was location: obviously this was not considered to be a barrier to true romance by the Parfection team as the first four men I was sent were located as far away from me as was possible when living in the British Isles, namely the Outer Hebrides and Northern Ireland as well as Inverness and the Isle of Man. None of these places seemed to be easy to commute to and I could see my credit card starting to hyperventilate with the strain of endless flights and trains, just to meet each of them once. OK so I know that for the right person you would probably fly half way around the world and back if need be, but let’s remember that at the moment I have no idea who this guy is or where he is located, so this all seems like a very big investment for what could be very poor returns. If it were the stock market I couldn’t see many traders actually taking a position on this and risking their clients’ money on something that seemed so hit and miss, so why would I, a simple marketer, risks such a high proportion of my income?

      This was becoming quite depressing but eventually I did find a few men who were actually located in the South East of the country and who seemed to have fairly normal interests, although no one is going to declare a tendency to spit or pick their nose on a dating site are they?

      I finally chose two men to contact, one in Kent and one in Northamptonshire and wrote a short email to each to see if they would respond.

      Pleasingly they both did, the one in Kent seemed quite chatty via email and was honest enough to admit he worked in a funeral home (what a dinner party conversation that could be) marketing and printing up their literature. I did wonder how much marketing was involved in the funeral business, bearing in mind most people are not in the habit of actually looking around for the ideal company to bury them, but decided that the general public did need some awareness of where to locate these places when the need arose.

      More importantly, Geoff seemed to actually enjoy his job, so it seemed we were off to a fairly good start. That was until his second email which finished with the words “Why do people write ‘empathetic’ on their details when they actually mean ‘empathic’?”

      I hastily re-read my profile and realised that I had written empathetic and, try as I might I couldn’t get into that part to amend it. Great, a private education and here I was putting men off by my poor vocabulary skills. I replied that I thought perhaps people confused it because of sympathy and sympathetic.

      While telling Erica about my faux pas the next day, I began to wonder if this was the sort of deal breaker for Geoff that spitting had been for me.

      “But I thought you could use either empathic or empathetic.” Came back Erica’s response.

      “Really. Wow I didn’t think of that, I just assumed he was right. Hey, this is mad we are having coffee in a bookshop so let’s go to the reference section and find out for ourselves.”

      Five hours later I received a response to my email to Geoff informing him that you could indeed use either version.

      It seemed however that Geoff wasn’t convinced and said he would have to check it with his sister when she got back from her holiday because she had studied Latin at degree

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