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We are supposed to resist acting like the devil within our circumstances. The goal of every Christian should be to always be stable despite circumstances, not simply happy when things are good and sad when things are bad — which sounds very Buddhist to me. “Paul prayed that they would endure hardship with good temper,” Joyce says, “and I pray that over our ministry partners at least a few times a week.” If we can resist reacting to our circumstances, according to Joyce, then we can be like Jesus, who took a nap in the boat during the storm. He wasn’t bothered while everyone else was freaking out.

      I see where she’s coming from in terms of trying to trust God even when things are a bit dodgy in our lives, but this is not the same as needing to not be sad when things are bad or happy when things are good. Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus. He didn’t placidly experience the grief and mourning around the death of a friend with emotionally disaffected distance.

      Advertisement: $25 set that includes the book Eight Ways to Keep the Devil under Your Feet and the DVD Be Aggressive and Be Bold.

      “ Remember that we love you, and we want God’s best for you,” Joyce says to the folks at home, now from inside a small studio. Once again we see a TBN preacher tell the viewers that (1) God wants good things for you, and (2) “I love you.” Which makes me wonder: How often do these people who watch daytime Christian TV hear these two statements? What disturbs me is that this so-called love between Joyce Meyer and her TV viewers is not pastoral care. You can become a ministry partner and give Joyce Meyer your entire measly pension and she’s still not showing up with a casserole when your mother dies. She’s not showing up ever.

      What follows is a commercial for Joyce Meyer’s books, CDs, and wall calendar for “those who need to be uplifted in the Word,” along with a set of “uplifting” coffee mugs. The disturbing merchandising of the hour award has to go, though, to the Everyday Life Bible with Joyce Meyer’s name in very large type at the bottom — Yes, that’s right — of the Bible! (available in bonded leather or paperback). This is Joyce Meyer’s Study Bible based on — wait for it — the Amplified Version! This “Bible” is so many generations removed from the Greek text that it’s about as closely related to the biblical text as is the Farmer’s Almanac or the latest issue of Comso.

      The voiceover advertises these Joyce-Meyer-related products with the following claim: “Remember, when you purchase Joyce Meyer products you are helping to spread the gospel all over the world, and there’s no greater gift you can give than to introduce someone to the son of God” — which sounds so very pre-Reformation to me. “When a coin in the coffer rings, another soul from Purgatory springs” was a phrase used to get the subliterate of the sixteenth century to give their money to the ones who, like Joyce Meyer, could tell them what the will of God is and how to save souls. Theologically preying on the desperate and earnest in order to line one’s own pockets is nothing new.

      Advertisement: Joyce Meyer’s Conference Tour. “Joyce wants to focus on you. If you’re ready to really experience God in your life, this is your time.” Joyce says to the camera, “You’re going to have a great time, and I can’t wait to see you there. You mean more to us here at Joyce Meyer ministry than you may ever know. We appreciate you and thank our friends and partners for making this worldwide ministry possible.”

      ♦♦♦

      My kids just woke up and are now sitting in my lap while Mommy talks to her friends about the devil, which is a pretty interesting way to start the morning, I’m sure.

      We all agree that this stuff with the devil makes our own sinfulness exterior to us. If all the problems in our life or temptations we face are projected onto Satan, an external force of evil which is trying to take away “our joy,” then we don’t have to face the fact that we have seen the devil and it is us. But I’m still not satisfied about the fact that we don’t have a theology of Satan in our church. I’m not saying that we should adopt the “Satan is trying to mess with you” thing, but I don’t think it’s good to just set the entire issue aside. We have to deal with evil in its human and nonhuman sources. The devil is in our small catechism (Christ defeats sin, death, and the devil) but you’d be hard pressed to preach on it. In our post-Enlightenment world we can’t deal with the anthropomorphizing of evil in the form of a devil. At least I can’t see the devil as much more than a charming but naive character in a folk tale.

      The problem right now is that I can’t figure out the issue of evil because my kids have to get off to school and the next TBN show starts in about fifteen seconds. I’m pretty fired up. I’m one cup of coffee and another prosperity gospel preacher away from being a victorious, powerful, stomp-on-the-devil’s-head Christian. Almost.

      THE ROUNDUP

      Old Testament passages cited: Zero.

      New Testament passages cited: Three.

      Cost of products offered: $225.

      Running total after 2 hours: $404

      Mentions of Jesus: Two, as a character in a story and named as a “Mighty Warrior.”

       Changing Your World with Dr. Creflo Dollar

      (Resisting the cherry danish with God’s help) 7:00 a.m.

      “Dr.” Creflo Dollar’s Changing Your World opens with a montage of happy families and individuals (much like the opening sequences for all the other shows so far, but with more African Americans). The theme song is decidedly gospel: “I’m a world changer, anointed with the power of the Holy Ghost, I’m a world changer.”

      He’s preaching to a mostly African American congregation numbering in the thousands. Dollar is a handsome African American man in his forties. The gray suit he’s wearing is silk, and I’m betting it’s custom. The stage is all decked in royal blue with purple carpeting. A large gospel choir, resplendent in blue robes, sits behind him.

      ♦♦♦

      “Wow,” Ann says when she sees the show title. “This guy is a doctor?”

      “Only in the way that Benny Hinn, Joyce Meyer, Paula White, and Jesse Duplantis are doctors. They were all given honorary doctorates from Oral Roberts University.”

      Dr. Dollar: “We’ve been talking about why God allows trials in our lives. Is it because he’s trying to be mean? Absolutely not. Is it because he himself is the destroyer? Absolutely not. But will God allow trials and temptations and tests and hard times to come in our lives? The answer is yes.”

      Doc Dollar offers four reasons for this:

      1. He loves us and wants us to be healed, to be whole, and to have abundant life. God allows trials in our lives because he knows where our rebellion against his word and our hard-headedness is going to take us.

      2. He’s trying to get your attention. Which is the purpose of this sermon.

      3. He wants every hindrance removed that keeps us from fully yielding ourselves to God.

      4. He wants us to love him: “God will never allow a trial without giving us a way to escape it.”

      [My own: That’s just how life is.]

      If you have a temptation, test, or trial, the first thing you need to know is that you can resist it. You have the ability to resist. Say out loud, “I have” [the audience echoes “I have”] “the ability” [“the ability”] “to resist” [“to resist”] “temptations and trials” [“temptations and trials”]. You’re not going to go through something someone else hasn’t already gone through; it’s not going to be beyond human experience.

      I tell Ann Brock, “That’s what got me through labor with both my kids. I thought to myself, ‘Being in labor may feel like it’s the craziest,

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