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that she designates a place outside of camp and then takes a small trowel with which she digs a hole to cover up her own shit, for this is to “obey

      God” (Deut. 23:12).

      Yes indeed, two can play at this game, my prooftexting sister.

      She quickly goes on to add that “if you want God’s results, God says, ‘This is the way you approach me,’ this is the portal into my gates, first by a thanksgiving offering, to say, ‘God I value you and this sacrifice is validation of your worthiness.’ “

      “Wow,” Jay offers, “God is so needy. I’ve had girlfriends like that.”

      This idea of God is that God is a wealthy king with low self-esteem who arbitrarily makes up rules that have to be followed in order for his impoverished subjects to get anything out of him. Most of these rules involve the subjects acting sycophantically in order to boost God’s self-worth. Oh, and this particular “rule” is found in one line of a psalm, so thank goodness we have the scholarly work of Paula White to help uncover this little mystery for us.

      All of a sudden I realize that it’s way too early in the morning to be feeling quite so cynical, and what if I use my cynicism all up and by hour ten or eleven then find myself agreeing with stuff that would normally make me want to convert to something less crazy, like, say, Branch Davidianism. I must pace myself.

      ♦♦♦

      My efforts to back off the criticism are thwarted by Paula’s next effort to back up her preaching. Paula uses a very effective tool for pastors and does a word study on “worship.” Digging into the Greek text to look for what we might be missing in the English translation — because, despite what we’d like to think, translation is always interpretation — can really enlighten our understanding of the text. Paula, however, does a word study on the English word “worship.” Jay and Annie have the funniest

      looks of disbelief on their faces. All three of us had to pass graduate-level Greek in seminary so that we can do Greek word studies while preparing for sermons. And here Paula White, millionaire preacher — with all the authority in her voice you can possibly imagine — is doing a word study on the English translation of a Greek word. She has a slide that shows that the word “worship” comes from an old Anglo-Saxon compound word, weorth (meaning value or respect) and skype (meaning to shape or build something). So together they mean to build or shape worth, value, or respect.

      Paula follows this with a little pastoral care story about folks who she has counseled over the years coming to her with their relationship woes, and her suggestion is that the way for these situations to be resolved is to pray that Johnny, or whoever, “fall in love with Jesus.” Then he will value that which God values. Johnny won’t violate you because when he falls in love with Jesus he will honor you. The logical extension of this argument is that if Johnny is “violating” you and you pray in faith that he falls in love with Jesus, and he does not fall in love with Jesus, then you did not have enough faith. Ergo, you are to blame for the continuing violation. I hold an entirely different belief: there is no magic formula for “activating” God in our lives. God is a God for us, so we don’t have to do that for ourselves. Maybe this sense of dignity that comes from being a created and redeemed child of God is enough to get the hell out of the relationship if Johnny is unable to reflect that love for you.

      What’s so disturbing is that TV preachers can dispense these magic formulas for health and wealth, tell people this is “God’s way,” and yet never be interrupted by the raised hand of someone who says, “I do all of the things you’re saying but I’m still depressed” —or poor, or not speaking to my sister, or feeling as though God has abandoned me. This medium allows Paula White and her fellows, to some extent, to ignore the real, lived, complicated experience of people.

      The irony of Paula telling this story about counseling folks in problematic relationships while in the midst of a divorce from “Bishop” Randy White is not at all lost on us.

      Paula: “We’ll be right back and I’ll teach you how to come into the presence of God.”

      That’ll be awesome, but I think I’ll need some more coffee.

      Advertisement:Paula’s “Life by Design” at the Manhattan Center in New York. Get your tickets now.

      ♦♦♦

      Despite the fact that Paula already defined the English word “worship,” she goes for round two. “The other part of the compound word wearth and skype is ‘ship,’ and it literally means that when we worship God we are literally becoming ships or vessels submersed in his infinite worth and value.”

      A few things here. One, I’m not sure the word “literally” means what she thinks it means because, Paula honey, no matter how much Pentecostal you sprinkled on your breakfast cereal this morning, I’m still sure you don’t really believe we literally turn into seafaring vessels. Two, I can’t resist the temptation to look up this compound word in the online etymological dictionary. “Ship” is actually “the state or condition of being” and has nothing nautical about its origin. It is a synonym of skype and is not “another part of the compound word.”

      Her point, I believe, is that “darkness cannot exist in light” and that when we worship, the things that are dark scatter like cockroaches when we flip on the light of worship.

      ♦♦♦

      Paula begins to tell a story of how she struggled with eating disorders. While playing a Bible trivia game as a “young believer,” she fell on the kitchen floor worshiping God. (Paula, if you don’t know the answer, just pass; you don’t have to get all dramatic.) She claims that some of her bondage was lifted, but that she still had some left because “sanctification is a progressive process; you go from glory to glory to glory.”

      Matthew: “And by progressive, I don’t think she means Jim Wallis.”

      I know that Paul in 2 Corinthians speaks about us reflecting the glory of God, which is beautiful but I think does not change the fact that we are sinners. What I have no idea about is what these people mean on a functional level when they say we go “from glory to glory to glory.” I think I need an English-to-Evangelical dictionary. But I do know how I feel about progressive sanctification, namely, that it’s hooey. And here’s why: I believe, and my Lutheran tradition teaches, that we are all (watch me get all fancy on the Latin here) simul iustus et peccator — simultaneously saint and sinner. Back to my own sinfulness, which at this moment is taking the form of pointing out how bizarre our little Paula White is.

      How does Paula wrap this message of how to come into the presence of God? By saying this: “Won’t you have an attitude of gratitude and open up the spiritual possibilities by coming into the presence of God through entering in his gates with thanksgiving with a thanks offering, a peace offering, which says, ‘God I’m bringing a sacrifice, I bring something of value to me [screen has an address and phone number with “honor God with a special thanksgiving offering”] in exchange for what is truly valuable…your presence.’ Get up and call that toll free number right now or go to the website or PO box, but you have to do it God’s way, enter his gates, his passage to the secret place of bringing God’s presence into your life. Worship him with an offering saying thank you for what you have done when you call the toll free number and you sow your seed of sacrifice this thanksgiving season with an attitude of gratitude. I believe God has great things for you.”

      I just watched what could only be described as a preach-a-mercial. It’s so similar to the feeling I get when I’m flipping through cable channels and see what seems innocently enough like a talk show or an exercise program, only to feel the sting of betrayal as the 1-800 number hits the screen. What bothers me the most is this: her insistence that “you have to do it God’s way.” That’s a very insidious thing to say because the implication is that Paula White has some way of knowing what “God’s way” is and that her teaching equals “ God’s way.” Therefore not to follow what Paula says is equal to disobeying God.

      I

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