Stop Eating Your Heart Out - Meryl Hershey Beck

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in public and binge in private.

       I eat to comfort myself and relieve distressing feelings.

       I tend to eat more when I am stressed, anxious, or depressed.

       I graze all day, often needing something in my mouth.

       Food has become my friend, my lover, or my drug of choice.

       I sometimes feel hungry even after a large meal.

       I eat more rapidly than other people.

       I allow the scale to determine if I have a good or bad day.

       I eat until my stomach hurts or I feel nauseated.

       I feel ashamed of myself due to the quantity of food I consume.

       I feel powerless over my eating behavior.

       I eat before I go to bed at night so I can sleep.

       I use food as a reward.

       I eat when I am bored, tired, or feeling blah.

       I eat when I see food ads on TV.

       I often stop to get fast food and eat it in the car.

       I am secretive about what I eat and how much I eat.

       I eagerly anticipate the times I can eat alone.

       I am an overachiever and want to be in control.

       I often think I am worthless or not good enough.

       I frequently compare my body size to that of others.

       I make derogatory jokes about my eating or body size.

       I have tried many diets, unsuccessfully.

       I am terrified that I will keep gaining weight.

      Going through the list helps you become conscious of some of your patterns around food and weight issues. If you recognize yourself in three or more, you are probably a compulsive overeater. Congratulate yourself for your truthfulness. We cannot change that which is hidden; bringing all this up and out is necessary in the process of healing and self-growth.

      You might not have thought about food as a drug, but think about how you use it. Addicts and alcoholics use their drugs/alcohol to anesthetize themselves. Is that what you are doing with food? Addicts and alcoholics use their drug of choice as a mood-altering substance to escape from emotional pain. What do you use to escape your feelings? Food, right? This is not about making you feel wrong or bad. It is about shedding light on the activity you desire to change—your compulsive eating. It is about coming out of hiding and admitting to yourself that you use food just as alcoholics use booze. It is about admitting to yourself that you need your food fix just like dope addicts need their drug fix.

      Take a deep breath—this may be a lot to take in. Again, being food dependent does not mean you're bad. You have a dependency, and as you read on and do the assignments, you will acquire tools to lessen the need to use and abuse food.

      Day

Eating History

      In chapter 1, I shared that my struggles with food and weight began when I was a child. What about you? As you move into this phase of your life journey, it is time for you to take a look at your history with food, diets, and weight issues. So much of our eating is unconscious that you might not be cognizant of your eating history. Do the best you can. Looking at old photos and reading old diary entries can help.

      My clients often gasp when I tell them to write their eating history. When I hear the comment “Why do you need to know?” I explain that it is really about them getting honest with themselves and their need to know.

      Start to think about it for yourself. Beginning with childhood, what has been your relationship with food? Did you start compulsive overeating as a youngster? Did the binge eating start in adulthood? What were the events that led up to it?

      Here are excerpts from a few of my clients' eating histories:

      As a child I was a picky eater and there were many battles at the dinner table. I wasn't allowed to leave until I ate everything on my plate, and sometimes I sat there for hours until my mom finally gave up and told me to go to bed. I didn't have trouble with food or weight until after I had kids. Then, never wanting to waste food, I always finished what they left on their plates. Interesting how I used to be picky, and now I eat anything rather than throwing it out.

      I have always liked food, and we had big family celebrations with a lot of food. Both my parents are heavy, my grandparents, too. We just like to eat a lot.

      My mom worked and I was in charge of making the family dinners starting when I was about eight. I got to be a really good cook. I love when people appreciate the food I make, and I serve big portions. I love to eat, too. But now it is out of control, I am obese, I have health problems, and I know I eat too much junk food.

      I was always a normal weight until my sister died when I was twenty. We didn't have a very good relationship, and I felt bad that I wasn't nicer to her. After she died, food just seemed to taste better, so I ate more and more. That was twenty-five years ago, and I am still eating a lot.

      I got pregnant as a teen and was ostracized by my family. Before that, food was just food. Being pregnant, they told me I was eating for two and I gained a lot of weight. I never lost my baby weight and my daughter is now twelve. I like eating rich foods like pasta with Alfredo sauce, big desserts, and lots of bread and butter.

      My children are skinny, so I always have snack food around for them. But I eat it, they don't. When I know it is there, I can't stop myself. I think I am only going to have one or two cookies, and then I eat six, eight, ten, or more. I can't control myself.

      I was a normal weight growing up, and then I got married. My husband loves to eat, and we go to buffets a lot. We get along the best when I am his eating buddy, and I have started to enjoy it. I did it for him, and now it feels like I am hooked and can't stop myself from overeating.

      I started dieting when I was a preteen because I was pudgy. All through my teen years I was on one diet or another. I couldn't stay on any of them very long and soon I was back to my binge eating. I am now forty-eight, and I don't know how to stay on a diet, and I don't know how to lose weight. Please help me!

      I grew up believing there was good food, like fruits and vegetables, and bad food, like candy and desserts. Our home hardly ever had any of the bad food, so whenever I went to someone else's house I ate as much of it as I could. I used to fill my pockets with the candy and then hide it in my room so I wouldn't get yelled at.

      There wasn't any set mealtime at our house. We just ate whenever and whatever we wanted. I remember, night after night, fixing myself a box of macaroni and cheese and then eating the whole pot. I didn't have a problem with weight until I hit forty and then I suddenly gained about twenty pounds. That was twenty-five years ago—and fifty pounds ago!

      Many clients, many stories. Yours may sound similar to some of these or totally different. It doesn't matter—it is your personal history with food and eating. You'll have the opportunity to begin contemplating how you've used food as you work on today's assignment.

      Assignment

      If you don't already have your notebook or your computer near you, get it now. Starting with details from as far back as you can remember, write your eating history. Discuss your relationship with food from childhood to the present. What was mealtime like with your family? When did you begin to have weight issues? When did the overeating/bingeing begin? What foods or food groups do you crave? How has food been your security blanket? Write in as much detail as you can, being as truthful as possible. What messages did you give yourself about your

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