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      When appropriate, sit down with your child and decide together which of her things will be located at which family home. Having your child participate in the decision-making may help alleviate any concerns she may have, while giving her a sense of control. Your child may decide to keep a few personal items with her to transport back and forth between homes. The idea is to allow her to engage in the decision-making process. Don’t be surprised if you have to repeatedly dispel concerns about your child’s possessions. Anxiety is so often part of everyday life for those with autism. You can help alleviate that anxiety by providing your child with detailed information and reassurance about upcoming events or changes. This is useful for all children, at any age.

       Set Up Financial and Budgetary Goals

      Finances are typically a top concern when dealing with a special-needs child, owing to having to maintain the services required to accommodate her developmental needs. Optimally, both parents will agree to financially provide for their child’s special services. If needed, the legal system can help determine the division of financial responsibilities regarding a child. As a single parent, it’s best to establish new budgetary goals for yourself and your child on the basis of your income and expenses and the limitations of a single income. Prioritize your basic living expenses and create a new budget on the basis of what’s absolutely essential. Remember, concerns involving finances are big for parents in general. But for single parents who are raising special-needs children, these concerns are magnified and must be dealt with in an organized and systematic manner to be effective.

      For example, when I first became a single parent and was living on virtually one income, I had to recalculate my budget to fit my new circumstances in a way that allowed me to reprioritize my goals for myself and my son. I made a list of nonnegotiable items and compared it with things I’d like to continue to have and financially manage. This made it easy for me to see exactly what I was dealing with, how my priorities had to temporarily change, and thus how my choices would affect my finances. Over time, as I made more money, I reevaluated my priorities and added in more of the things I was able to afford prior to my divorce. It was a choice—and it was empowering to know that I was in charge of my choices.

      Balancing finances can be a tricky thing. If you find that finances are limited because of the shift in your marital or relationship situation and you can no longer provide for your child’s special-needs services in the same way you did before, make a list of services and prioritize them according to your child’s greatest need at the moment. For example, if your child’s speech is delayed, but she is making definite improvement, consider keeping her speech therapy but reducing the frequency (I did this for my own son). The same goes for occupational therapy, psychotherapy, behavioral therapy, and the like. Remember, no decision is set in stone. When your financial situation improves, reevaluate your child’s needs and decide if extended, altered, or additional services are necessary.

       Create a Balance between Children,Work, and Home Life

      As a newly single parent, sustaining a healthy balance between your life at work and your life at home with your special-needs child can be hard. Time-management skills and organizational strategies can help you prioritize the division of these fundamental components. As you prioritize your time and plans, however, recognize that things may not always go as planned. Realize that schedules may change unexpectedly. Teach your child with autism to be flexible with those changes and to be open to a “Plan B.” You may even make up scenarios with your child, creating an “A Plan” and a “B Plan” for certain situations. Have your child practice being “flexible” with unexpected outcomes. Be clear with your children about expectations and responsibilities—yours and theirs.

      Try and share at least one family meal together every day. Include your child in household tasks and family activities, such as grocery shopping or making a family meal. Create new memories and share new experiences with your child. Help your child understand that she is an integral part of your “new” family unit. Sit down with your child and create a plan or schedule for the day or week. Let her know that her input is important to you.

       Develop a Family System to Co-Parentwith Your Ex (Whenever Possible)

      Establish an effective and appropriate method of communicating with your ex, where you express yourself openly and directly but never through your child. If appropriate, designate a specific day or time of the week when the two of you can meet and discuss issues regarding your child. Try not to speak negatively of the other parent in front of your child. To demonstrate “co-parenting,” when disciplining your child, try and establish consistency by respecting rules and consequences in both homes (whenever possible). For example, if your child loses computer privileges in one home, try and be consistent with the same consequence in both homes. This may or may not be possible all of the time (or any of the time). But, it’s important for your special-needs child to understand that each parent may approach things differently, rather than one parent being “right” and the other parent being “wrong.” I can’t express this point strongly enough: Even if you don’t agree with the consequence given to your child by the other parent, working together shows your child that both parents are united in their parenting. For example, when my ex imposed a consequence on my son after he pushed another child at recess, I carried out the consequence in my home, as well.

      NOTE: Oftentimes, local community colleges or community centers offer parenting classes that address co-parenting topics after a divorce.

      Whenever possible, maintain a cordial relationship with your ex. Try to exchange information about your child regularly in person, over the telephone, or through e-mail. If issues arise that require your joint attention (examples would be dietary issues, medical problems, bullying at school, behavioral outbursts, psychological concerns, and the like), offer to meet with the other parent. In fact, whenever you can, try and meet with the other parent regularly to share positive information about your child (and even with your child, when appropriate). This provides an opportunity to have positive discussions about your child (examples might include making progress with peers in social settings, reaching academic achievements, attaining behavioral benchmarks, and so on).

      I realize that oftentimes, especially at first, co-parenting with a disengaged or uncooperative parent can be challenging. This becomes even more complicated when you are co-parenting a child with autism. However, how you deal with this kind of situation will directly affect the potential outcome. When effective communication about your child is not possible between you and your ex, try to exchange information by using nonconfrontational methods (perhaps via attorneys and/or in writing). In fact, there may be no other way around it. E-mail can be very useful in this regard. Although this may not be optimal, it may be

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