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own experience as reference)

      •Interpreting (make assumptions about the other person’s motives using our own experience as reference)

      I’ll illustrate these poor listening techniques via a sample conversation Judy Henrichs, an executive coach and leadership consultant, recently shared with me. Assume someone walks into your office and announces, “My dog just died.” Here’s what the poor listening techniques might sound like…

      The Evaluating Listener:

      “You shouldn’t feel bad; it’s just a dog, after all. I know someone who lost their parents when they were only six years old and then you won’t believe what happened next…”

      This may seem extreme, but it’s not really that far-fetched. We make constant judgements about people based on our own needs, paradigms, and beliefs. We may try to help, but we do the opposite—we are focused on our own agenda and timeline.

      The Probing Listener:

      “Was it her heart? Cancer? Hit by a car?”

      This may seem well-intended, but again, it’s a reflection of your own agenda. The facts and details are more important to you than on the grieving pet owner. It’s also a bit macabre. Why do you need to know how someone’s dog died? Does it really matter? Unless they tell you, it’s immaterial. In fact, people will tell you what they need you to know. Probing is focused on satiating your own needs for details that create meaning for you or allow you to respond.

      The Advising Listener:

      “Whatever you do, don’t have them cremated. I once heard a story about how the…”

      By advising, you’ve arrogantly determined what the other person’s problem is. You’ve decided their challenge is how to properly dispose of their dog’s body. You’ve not taken any interest or time to understand what it is they may (or may not) be struggling with.

      The Interpreting Listener:

      “Well, you wouldn’t be so sad if you hadn’t invested so much in that damn dog. I mean, good grief, how much have you spent on those ridiculous massages? And that pet psychic? She was a total kook.”

      First, are you sure sadness is their primary emotion? It might be relief, or even guilt. Or loneliness. Likely, this person is or was sad, but that’s not for you to be guessing at. Whatever experiences are coloring the interpreting listener’s point of view (perhaps their own pet psychic revealed their hamster is entertaining murderous thoughts) has no bearing on what the other person is going through.

      These four responses may seem exaggerated, but we’ve all probably been guilty of them. Empathic listeners engage not just their ears, but their eyes, mind, and heart to truly understand what’s going on. They face the other person and maintain gentle but consistent eye contact. They look for visible signs to help tell the full story, such as the person looking worn out or slumped over. They don’t focus on their own frame of reference or agenda. It’s not effortless—it takes investment and interest to listen empathically. It also takes practice and selflessness. It may also require from you a constant and intentional effort to reengage in the conversation because so many of us are easily distracted by life’s demands, moment by moment.

      Practically, being a great listener will increase your ability to effectively partner with others to solve the right problems in the right way. So the next time you ask a question that on the surface seems to show a genuine interest, ask yourself: What’s my motive? What do I truly need to know to demonstrate empathy? Am I on my agenda and timeline, or theirs?

      It can actually be freeing to put yourself aside and focus on someone else for a bit. Allow yourself to get out of your own head and internal narrative and just put your attention on the other person. Leave yourself open and allow them to just be. Spending time in that quiet place of connection with someone else in their angst, their joy, or their frustration can create bonds that will last a lifetime, and also can keep your own struggles in context.

      From Mess To Success:

      Listen First

      • Practice lessening your interrupting by gently placing your lips together and counting to 7 or even 10 while the other person is speaking. The more you practice this technique, the more natural it will become.

      • Demonstrate Empathic Listening by striving to understand the other person’s needs, goals, pressures, and feelings. Recognize when you are on your own timeline and agenda versus theirs.

      • When you catch yourself interrupting, giving advice, agreeing or disagreeing, probing, or telling your own story… stop. Check back in and listen intently to understand what the other person is saying and how they’re feeling.

      • If the other person specifically asks for your suggestions or feedback, you may provide it.

      • Recognize the value focus can have in building high-trust relationships—you can’t meet the needs of everyone, but you can do your best to meet the needs of the person right in front of you.

Challenge 4

Declare Your Intent

      Have you ever had incorrect intent ascribed to your actions? Why did that happen?

      If you’d asked me about declaring my intent during my early rough-and-tumble, push-my-way-to-the-top leadership years, I would have told you that you were nuts. If you think of leadership as a war of political gamesmanship and cutthroat advancement, then you’ll likely resonate with this Victorian military advice: “Conceal your purpose and hide your progress; do not disclose the extent of your designs until they cannot be opposed, until the combat is over.”

      IN THE CORPORATE WORLD, DUE IN NO SMALL PART TO THE WORK OF FRANKLINCOVEY AND SOME OF OUR WELL-RESPECTED COMPETITORS, MACHIAVELLIAN ATTITUDES HAVE EVOLVED INTO THE DESIRE TO BUILD CULTURES OF HIGH TRANSPARENCY, COLLABORATION, AND TRUST. TODAY I DON’T KNOW A SINGLE PERSON WHO WANTS TO WORK IN AN ENVIRONMENT OF CONCEALMENT AND ONE-UPMANSHIP.

      This adversarial mindset used to be commonplace in almost every organization—part of an “eat or be eaten” culture. It may still be the prevailing wisdom while driving in New York City (where signaling your intention to change lanes only invites other drivers to mash the accelerator and close the space). In the corporate world, due in no small part to the work of FranklinCovey and some of our well-respected competitors, Machiavellian attitudes have evolved into the desire to build cultures of high transparency, collaboration, and trust. Today I don’t know a single person who wants to work in an environment of concealment and one-upmanship.

      If this outdated belief describes your leadership style and work culture, let me save you some time and heartache. In the long run, you will lose and lose badly. Once you gain the reputation for deception and concealing your true intentions, no one (and I mean no one) will trust you. And without trust, you’re doomed.

      Just ask the trust expert, Stephen M. R. Covey. In his bestselling book The Speed of Trust, he writes, “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their observable behavior.” So even if you actively try to conceal what you’re up to, people will judge you based on what they see. If you want to succeed, don’t withhold information—openly share. State your intent so others can’t misinterpret your actions.

      Let’s talk straight: Every one of us has hidden agendas with relative depths of transparency. When you come to own this fact—that you, too, are simultaneously juggling hidden agendas in every facet of your life—then and only then can you determine how willing you are to surface them and be truthful. By openly declaring your intent so that others minimize or eliminate their suspicion about your motives, you are able to fully acknowledge your agenda and engage in a healthy and, hopefully, mutually beneficial discussion free of entanglements and obfuscation. Simply put, own your messes, including

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