LITMIR.BIZ

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and three from the remorse of age.

      CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

      I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!

       The godly multitudes walked to and fro

       Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad,

       With pious mien, appropriately sad,

       While all the church bells made a solemn din—

       A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.

       Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,

       With tranquil face, upon that holy show

       A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,

       Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light.

       "God keep you, strange," I exclaimed. "You are

       No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;

       And yet I entertain the hope that you,

       Like these good people, are a Christian too."

       He raised his eyes and with a look so stern

       It made me with a thousand blushes burn

       Replied—his manner with disdain was spiced:

       "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ."

      G.J.

      CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

      CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

      CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet—two clarionets.

      CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

      CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over history—which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers.

      CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

      A busy man complained one day:

       "I get no time!" "What's that you say?"

       Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz;

       "You have, sir, all the time there is.

       There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it—

       We're never for an hour without it."

      Purzil Crofe

      CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.

      "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried

       To thrifty J. Macpherson;

       "See me—I'm ready to divide

       With any worthy person."

       Sad Jamie: "That is very true—

       The boast requires no backing;

       And all are worthy, sir, to you,

       Who have what you are lacking."

      Anita M. Bobe

      COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples.

      O Coenobite, O coenobite,

       Monastical gregarian,

       You differ from the anchorite,

       That solitudinarian:

       With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;

       With dropping shots he makes him sick.

      Quincy Giles

      COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

      COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own.

      COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

      COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient.

      This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view,

       So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew

       Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches

       Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays

       That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins

       Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins.

       On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all,

       Misfortune attend and disaster befall!

       May life be to them a succession of hurts;

       May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts;

       May aches and diseases encamp in their bones,

       Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones;

       May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest,

       And tapeworms securely their bowels digest;

       May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair,

       And frequent impalement their pleasure impair.

       Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse

       Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,

       By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors—

       The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores!

       Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin!

       Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin,

       Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in.

      K.Q.

      COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

      COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.

      CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.

      CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

      CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.

      CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

      CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.

      An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he murmured and died.

      CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

      CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

      CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

      CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.

      CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

      CONTROVERSY,

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