LITMIR.BIZ

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      "I don't like to have one in my room, but it is absolutely necessary that I do. Hartwick, my roommate, admires it!"

      The listeners laughed.

      "I should think he might," said Puss Parker. "He's got a temper with an edge like a cold-chisel."

      "Oh, yes, he admires it! I've got so I believe I should sleep right through the racket, but he kicks me out of bed and howls for me to smother the thing. So you see I am bound to get up at the proper time. Once I am out of bed, I stay up. The first morning after I bought the clock the thing went off just as it was beginning to break day. I got up and stopped it and then went back to bed. Hartwick growled, but we both went to sleep. I had been snoozing about five minutes when the clock broke loose once more. Hartwick was mad, you bet! I opened my eyes just in time to see him sit up in bed with one of his shoes in his hand. Whiz! Before I could stop him he flung the shoe at the clock. I made a wild grab just as he did so, struck his arm, and disconcerted his aim. The shoe flew off sideways and smashed a mirror. Hartwick said several things. Then I got up and stopped the clock again. I dressed and went out for my walk, leaving Hartwick in bed, sleeping sweetly. When I came back I found him, about half dressed, jumping wildly up and down in the middle of the bed, upon which was heaped all the bedclothes, all of Hartwick's clothes except those he had on, all of mine, except those I was wearing, and as I appeared he shrieked for me to tear down the window shades and pass them to him quick.

      "'What's the matter?' I gasped. 'Are you mad?'

      "'Yes, I am mad!' he howled, tearing his hair. 'I am so blamed mad that I don't know where I am at!'

      "'But what's the matter?'

      "'Matter! Matter! Hear it! Hear the daddly thing! It has driven me to the verge of insanity! I tried to stop it, but I couldn't find how it works. And now I am trying to stifle it! Hear it! Oh, bring me a club! Bring me something deadly! Bring me a gun, and I will shoot it full of holes!'

      "Then I found that I could hear my clock merrily rattling away under that heap of clothes. It seemed to be defying Hartwick or laughing at him.

      "I got him off the bed, pawed around till I found the clock between the mattresses, and then stopped it. Hartwick offered me three times what it was worth if I'd let him use his baseball bat on it. I told him it seemed to be a very willing and industrious alarm clock, and it was mine. I warned him to injure it at his peril. Since then I have learned how to stop it so it will stay stopped, but it barely commences to rattle at daybreak when I feel Hartwick's feet strike me in the small of the back, and I land sprawling on the floor. That explains how I succeed in getting up at daybreak."

      "You started in to tell us what you found this morning," said Punch Swallows, to Browning, lighting a fresh cigarette.

      "So I did, and the alarm clock ran me off the trail. Well, I got up this morning as usual—when Hartwick kicked me out to stop the clock. I went out for my walk and crossed the campus. What do you think I found?"

      "A diamond ring. We'll all have ale."

      "Oh, no, Tad, it wasn't a diamond ring. I noticed something stuck up on one of the trees. It was a big sheet of paper, and on it was skillfully lettered these words:

      "'Bruce Browning will wear a new set of false teeth to chapel to-morrow morning.'"

      Browning stopped and looked around. He was very proud of his even, regular, white teeth. They were so perfect that they might be taken for "store teeth" at first glance, but a second look would show they were natural.

      The sophs laughed, and Bruce looked indignant.

      "That caused me to look still further," he went on, "and I soon found another sheet upon another tree. This is what I read:

      "'Conundrum. Why is King Browning a great electrician? Because all his clothes are charged.'

      "By that time I felt like murdering somebody. I did take a morning walk, but it was in search of more stuff of the same order. I found it everywhere in the vicinity of the college, and some of the stuff was simply awful. It made me shudder. I knew who was back of it all. Merriwell put up the job."

      "But you outwitted him by getting around in time to tear down everything he had put up. You matched him that time."

      "By accident. But I must more than match him. He must be suppressed."

      "That's right! that's right!" cried the boys in chorus.

      "I know he put the advertisement for black and white cats and yellow dogs in the papers. My name was signed to it, and more than two hundred black and white cats and yellow dogs were brought me by parties anxious to sell them at any price. One time there were seven women with cats in my room, when two men came up leading dogs. The first woman had managed to get into the room, and while I was arguing with her, trying to convince her that I did not want her blamed old cat, the others found their way in. They opened on me altogether. Hartwick shut himself in the clothespress, and I could hear him laughing and gasping for breath. I was nearly crazy when the men sauntered in with the dogs in tow. Oh, say!"

      Browning fell over limply in his chair, as if the memory of what followed was too much for him.

      "You have had a real warm time of it," grinned Swallows.

      "Warm! Warm! My boy, it was warm! Two of the women were showing me their cats. The dogs saw the cats; the cats saw the dogs. One of the cats made a flying leap for a dog. The other fled, and the other dog pursued. The seven women shrieked all together, and the two men swore and tried to catch the dogs. The other cats escaped from the baskets in which they were confined. Warm! Say!"

      The king of the sophomores mopped his face with his handkerchief. He seemed on the verge of utter collapse.

      The listening lads could not entirely restrain their laughter. The picture Browning presented and the incident he was relating were altogether too ludicrous.

      "Talk about rackets!" he wearily continued; "we had one then and there. The cats yowled and the dogs howled. The women fell over each other and screamed blue murder. The men chased the dogs and roared blue blazes. And the wind blew hard!

      "One of the cats alighted on an old lady's head. The cat's mistress grabbed her and took her away. The cat had socked her claws into the old lady's wig, and it came off, leaving her almost as bare as a billiard ball. Oh, marmer!

      "Two of the cats fell to tearing the fur out of each other. Some of them walked on the ceiling, like flies, in their endeavors to get away from the dogs. One of them pounced on a dog's back and rode him around the room, as if she were a circus performer. The other dog chased a cat under the bed, and they were having it there. Oh, they didn't do a thing—not a thing!

      "After a while one of the men captured one of the dogs and dragged him toward the door. The other man saw him and made a rush for him. 'Drop that dawg!' he yelled. 'It's my dawg!' the other man yelled back. And then the other man howled, 'You're another. It's my dawg!'

      "Right away after that there was trouble between the owners of the dogs. They tried to hurt each other, and they succeeded very well. One of them had both eyes blacked, while the other lost two teeth, had his lips split and his nose knocked out of plumb. But they smashed the stuffing out of the furniture while they were doing it.

      "I climbed up on something in one corner and did my best to cheer them on. I sincerely hoped both would be killed. The dogs seemed to feel it their duty to enter into the spirit of the occasion, and they chewed each other more or less.

      "Then the police came in. I came near landing in the station house, along with the two men who were fighting, but they concluded not to pinch me. The women departed after having once more expressed their opinion all around concerning me.

      "When they were gone Hartwick came out of the clothespress. We sat down amid the ruins and said over some words that will not bear repetition.

      "That's the whole of the cat-and-dog story. I've never been able to prove that Merriwell put the advertisement into the paper, but it is all settled in my mind. It was directly after this that I went into training."

      Some

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