LITMIR.BIZ

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      NANNY. Yes?

      W. G. And she wouldn’t, so he went away and she went after him.

      NANNY. Oh, you silly! What does it all mean?

      ANDREW (coming on deck with a hat and basket rather like each other). Miss O’Brien, I know one of these is your hat, and the other your basket, and I brought both, because I’m not sure which is which.

      NANNY. Thanks. Take the basket back. W. G., I shall be miserable until I know what has happened, and Bell is so proud, she won’t tell me a word.

      ANDREW (looking off). I see the punt.

      NANNY. How many in it?

      ANDREW. Two.

      NANNY. Good! (Begins to descend ladder.)

      W. G. No, three.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY (laying down knitting). Three? She went out alone.

      ANDREW. Upjohn isn’t one of them.

      NANNY. Ben is punting, W. G. But who is that chap sitting beside Bell?

      NANNY. I never saw him before.

      ANDREW. He is dripping wet!

      W. G. So is Bell. There has been a spill!

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. An accident! (Goes into saloon.)

      NANNY (running down ladder to her). I am afraid so, but she is safe, dear Auntie.

      W. G. (hailing). Hi, what’s wrong?

      BEN (invisible). She fell into the river.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Bell!

      (nanny supports her. The punt is drawn in ben is punting, jasper and bell, both very wet, are sitting.)

      BELL (boarding and kissing MRS GOLIGHTLY). NO need for alarm, mother, I am drenched, that is all. (In saloon.)

      BEN. But it was a near shave. If it hadn’t been for ‘im!

      (Looking at JASPER who is modestly standing in bow, straw hat in hand.)

      BELL. The punt shot away beneath me, leaving me clinging to the pole. I remember no more from that moment until I opened my eyes and found myself safe on the bank. Mother, this gentleman has saved my life.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Oh, sir!

      JASPER. Oh, it was nothing!

      NANNY (aside). How modest! I wonder if he is married!

      (Aloud) Bell, your teeth are chattering. Come inside, and change your things.

      BELL. Ben, do tell them what you saw him do. Mother, Ben saw everything that happened while I was senseless in the water!

      JASPER. I only jumped in and pulled her out. That was all.

      (nanny and bell retire into saloon.)

      NANNY (in saloon). Did you see Mr. Upjohn?

      BELL. NO, I shall never see him again.

      (Exeunt.)

      BEN. It was this way, ma’am. The young lady, she falls into the water as she has told you. It was at a ticklish place just this side o’ the weir, and before you could say Jack Robinson, I sees her being carried towards it. Ma’am, my first thought was, she’s as good as a corpse, for I didn’t think there was a man in England could ha’ torn her out o’ that rush of water. But there was — this gentleman —

      JASPER. Pooh!

      ALL. Well! Well!

      (NANNY returns and listens.)

      BEN. I just sees him flash by me and jump into the water. It’s UP with both o’ them I thinks, for by the time he gripped her she were just on the point of being shot over the weir.

      W. G. Balbus!

      BEN. I shut my eyes, and when I dared look again, he had one arm around her and with the other he was fightin’ agin the current. Three times, ma’am, it tore him back and I cries, ‘Your only chance is to let her go.’ He just shook his head and fought on and on, and inch by inch he brought her nearer the bank, till they both fell on it senseless.

      ANDREW. Great Scott!

      W. G. What a brick!

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. How can I thank you, sir?

      JASPER. Oh! It was nothing!

      NANNY. Ask him to have something to drink, Auntie.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. You will stay to breakfast, Mr. — eh —

      JASPER. With pleasure. My name is Colonel Neil, at your service.

      NANNY. The Colonel Neil? Africanus Neil!

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Colonel Neil, the African explorer?

      ANDREW. Whose name is in all the papers?

      JASPER. The same, but I only did my duty in Africa!

      (ANDREW exits.)

      W. G. Great Caius and Balbus! (NANNY goes on to ladder.)

      Colonel Neil, will you let me feel your muscles? (Feels them and then runs into saloon, shouting) Bell, he’s Neil, Africanus Neil!

      (Exit.)

      NANNY.. Auntie, Bell wants you.

      (Exit MRS. GOLIGHTLY through saloon.)

      NANNY. Colonel Neil, you are a hero and I could kiss you.

      (JASPER hastening to her.)

      If I were Bell! (Goes up ladder — to herself) He is a bachelor — and yet I don’t know — a married man might have wanted to do it too! (Sits on deck.)

      JASPER (rubbing his hands gleefully). Oh, this is better than the shop! (Is about to go on bank.)

      BEN (still in punt). A word with you, Colonel Neil.

      JASPER (assuming a high and mighty air). Well?

      BEN. What does this ‘ere rum go mean?

      JASPER. It’s all right, Ben. Go away.

      BEN.’Tain’t all right, ain’t I lied till my throat’s dry?

      JASPER. I paid you.

      BEN. What for did you want to pretend as you saved the gal’s life? You knows as well as I that she fell into two feet of water, and I pulled her out with a boat hook.

      JASPER. Quite right.

      BEN. But she was senseless with fright, and before she come to, you made up them whoppers about saving her life, and teached me to say them; and now I ‘ave said them, what for?

      JASPER. Half a sov., Ben.

      BEN. To make her think she had nearly been swept over the weir, you got me to carry her to the edge of it, what for?

      JASPER. Five bob.

      BEN. And then you got me to fling some mud and water at you, so as you should look like one as had been swimming in his clothes. (Wringing out clothes.) Look here, Guv’nor, what for did you bring me into this?’Ow couldn’t yer tell your own lies?

      JASPER. A gentleman doesn’t brag about himself, Ben. And so I paid you to brag for me.

      BEN. What are you going to do now?

      JASPER. Enjoy myself.

      BEN. Blest if I believe you ‘re the Colonel chap you says you are.

      JASPER. YOU can’t prove I’m not, Ben.

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