LITMIR.BIZ

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      JACK. Though she’s most severe on vice,

       Yet her ways are most entrancing.

      ENSEMBLE.

      GIRLS. OFFICERS.

       In accord with her Though she’s very

       advice, hard on vice,

       We shall never start Yet her ways are most

       off dancing. entrancing.

       All dance.

      ALL. We/They have learned her/my precept pat, etc. Enter STUDENTS and other GIRLS.

      OFFICERS. What’s the meaning of all this?

       Who are these who disconcert us?

      STUDENTS. Maidens this is much amiss,

       Surely you would not desert us?

      OFFICERS. Beardless boys, you’d better go,

       Your time hasn’t come, we vow.

      STUDENTS. Aged men, you’re most de trop,

       Your time was, it’s over now.

      CHORUS.

      OFFICERS. Maidens, maidens, can you hesitate?

      GIRLS. Hey, dear, we haven’t got an answer!

      OFFICERS. Maidens, maidens, your reply we wait.

      GIRLS. Hey, dear, the Student or the Lancer!

      STUDENTS. Maidens, we are fresh from college,

       Smile upon us, we implore you!

       Think of all the varied knowledge

       In these heads which bow before you.

       (All bow.)

      OFFICERS. Maidens, with our martial bearing

       And our spurs, we ought to suit you;

       Think of all the deeds of daring

       Done with hands which now salute you.

       (All salute.)

      STUDENTS. Maidens, maidens, can you hesitate?

      GIRLS. Hey, dear, the Student or the Lancer!

      OFFICERS. Maidens, maidens, your reply we wait.

      GIRLS. Hey, dear, this must be our answer!

      GIRLS cross over to STUDENTS.

      STUDENTS. Maidens, you are wise in turning

       Thus to those who most impress you;

       You shall list to words of learning

       From these lips which now caress you.

       (Kiss them.)

      OFFICERS. Maidens, all their vows are idle.

       Here to you our hands we proffer;

       Fresh from sword-hilt and from bridle,

       Here they are, and all on offer.

       (Offer their hands.)

      STUDENTS. Maidens, maidens, do not hesitate.

      GIRLS. Hey, dear, we gave you both our answer!

      OFFICERS. Maidens, maidens, what shall be our fate.

      GIRLS. Hey, dear, we much prefer the Lancer!

      GIRLS cross over and join OFFICERS. Music continues softly through following dialogue.

      A STUD. But this is absurd! We are all very distinguished men, or shall be some day. And then we are journalists, and can describe your dresses in the papers.

      GIRLS. Oh! (Cross over to STUDENTS.)

      JACK. But we shave twice a day.

      A STUD. Why, there is not of us who could not read Theocritus in the original.

      JACK. But we are to give a dance next week.

      MILLY. Oh, you dear things, how nice of you! (Cross to

      OFFICERS.) Dance. All exeunt except JACK.

      JACK. And now to find Bab.

       Enter TOM.

      TOM. I can’t see my Bab anywhere. (Sees JACK.) Hullo!

      JACK. That fellow here!

      TOM (shortly). How are you?

      JACK (shortly). H’are you?

      TOM (after a pause). Very warm day.

      JACK. Cold.

      TOM. Cad!

      JACK. What do you want here?

      TOM. Private business.

      JACK. Let us be plain with one another. How could you, a beggarly Press Student, support a wife?

      TOM. How could you, a beggarly lieutenant?

      JACK. But I am also a novelist — at least I’ve — I’ve bought a pound of sermon paper. Haw!

      TOM. Well, I am also a dramatist. Why, I have a completed play in my pocket.

      JACK. And a very good place for it too. Haw!

      TOM. What is more, it has a strong literary flavour.

      JACK. Don’t be afraid of that. They’ll knock it out in rehearsal. Haw!

      TOM. Nonsense. It’s most original also.

      JACK. That’ll damn it.

      TOM. Originality damn a play! Why?

      JACK. Because ours are a healthy-minded public, sir, and they won’t stand it. Haw!

      TOM. It’s an Ibsenite play.

      JACK. Then why not produce it at the Independent Theatre?

      TOM. I did.

      JACK. Well?

      TOM. And it promised to be a great success; but, unfortunately, just when the leading man has to say, “What a noble apartment is this,” the nail came out and the apartment fell into the fireplace.

       Enter CADDIE and BAB. They walk back and forwards as before.

      JACK (amazed). Bab!

      BAB. Oh, Jack! Oh, Tom!

      CADDIE. Silence!

      JACK. What does this mean?

      BAB. I am a prisoner, he is giving me an airing.

      CADDIE. Silence!

      JACK (drawing his sword). Promise not to interfere, or I shall run you through, by the bones of my ancestors!

      CADDIE (aiming a catapult at him). Advance another step and you are a dead man, so help my bob!

      JACK is discomfited, but TOM seizes CADDIE from behind, and they get him to the ground.

      JACK. Promise!

      CADDIE. I gives in! You have my word of honour! It’s your hole.

       (Mimicking JACK.) Haw! (Exit CADDIE followed by TOM.)

      JACK. My precious! The gates are locked, but we can cross the river.

      BAB. I have been thinking that — I’m not sure whether it is you or Tom I prefer.

      JACK. That is awkward.

      BAB. Before I decide I want to ask you both two questions.

      JACK. What are they?

      BAB. First, why did my heart beat so violently last night?

      JACK. It was because — because I am so worthy of its love. Haw!

      BAB (aside). H’m! Vanity!

      JACK (aside). Good answer I think. Hope I shall get round her wealthy papa as easily.

      BAB. Second, will you still love me when I am old and wrinkled?

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