LITMIR.BIZ

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bothered. And don’t feel sick, or have terrible heartburn (although my husband swears he knows the best cure for that, if you know what I mean…), or are too tired, or want to sit in the bath squeezing colostrum out of your nipples instead. It’s your call, because you are the pregnant one here.

      Oh, and masturbation is still fine. Quick, effective, painless and risk-free.

      TOP TIP: Less of a tip than a request, really. Please, please keep having sex as much as you can while you are pregnant. It’s so easy to put it on hold for a while, but getting your mojo back when you’ve been ‘on a break’ for several months is really difficult. You will need all the help you can to feel like a sexy, horny, desirable, nubile young thing once you become a Yummy Mummy as it is, and sex is one of the best ways of keeping in touch with the old you.

      The F Word: I am Definitely the Fattest Person in the World

      No you’re not. You are pregnant. Reminding yourself that you are pregnant and not fat doesn’t make it any easier or less distressing at the time, alas: when you start to feel big, bloated and shapeless it’s horrible, and you won’t be able to see past your growing abdomen and convince yourself that it’s actually not that bad. However, to most other, rational people you look lovely and womanly.

      TOP SURVIVAL TIPS for this stage:

      

Don’t spend hours looking at yourself in front of the mirror from all angles, wondering if you are still the same shape when you try really hard to imagine the bump isn’t there. It’s hopeless.

      

It’s impossible to be objective. To your pregnant eyes, everything is bigger. And bigger is definitely not better right now.

      

Don’t ask your partner’s opinion. It’s very unfair, because he can only either lie to you or be the target of your pregnant wrath and loathing. You won’t believe him anyway, because you are convinced that you are fat, so leave him out of it. Poor bloke.

      

Look at pictures of beautiful, sexy, curvaceous women, and realise that larger can definitely be gorgeouser. Rachel Weisz, Jennifer Lopez, Kate Winslet, Kelly Brook and on and on. Sexy, curvy women! Love it.

      If none of the above works, then this will be a difficult, depressing few months, until you become properly pregnant and have no option but to go with the flow and love your bump. In the meantime, do yourself a favour and remember: YOU ARE NOT FAT, you just have ‘fat lenses’ in for a while.

      Testing, Testing: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six…

      Pregnant women need to toughen up before the birth, and the best way to do this is to stick needles in them as often as possible. Or so the medical profession seems to think. By the time you’ve reached The End, your arms will look like a watering can, you’ll have weed in enough small plastic vials to fill a watering can, and you will have had more tests than a watering can goes through before it’s released onto the shelves at B&Q.

      Most of this testing is just to keep an eye on your iron levels and to see if there’s any protein in your urine (a sign of pre-eclampsia, aka Very Bad News). But there are other tests you will be offered, which can tell you a lot about your unborn baby, and which you will have to decide whether to have done or not.

      Here are some of the main tests to expect:

      

Routine blood tests. These will first determine your blood group, rhesus factor and iron levels, and then whether you have Hepatitis B, syphilis (ugh) or toxoplasmosis, and whether you are immune to German measles. If you are rhesus negative you will probably have blood tests every four weeks or so after 28 weeks.

      

Blood-pressure checks. Every time you see your doctor she will check that your blood pressure isn’t starting to shoot through the roof. If you are like me, the opposite problem will occur: my blood pressure gets lower throughout every pregnancy, until I can barely stand up without passing out. Hey, at least it’s different.

      

Screening for Down’s Syndrome. This is a hard decision for some, and an obvious one for others. Only you know how you would feel about having a child with Down’s, so talk it through with your partner and do whatever feels right for both of you. There are loads of different tests available, and different areas will offer different ones.

      

Glucose-tolerance test. Some women develop a special form of diabetes during pregnancy, and this is detected by finding extra sugar in your urine. You will probably have to drink a can of Lucozade and then have a blood test shortly after. Don’t do what I did, which was to drink a can of Diet Lucozade. The whole point is to get the sugar in there, Liz—duh!

      

Urine tests. You’ll have these throughout your pregnancy to check for signs of pre-eclampsia and to practise being humiliated. There is no simple way to get it in the bottle, so just hold it down there, hope for the best, and scrub your hands, wrists and forearms afterwards.

      

Amniocentesis. By removing a sample of your amniotic fluid with a long, hollow needle, and then analysing its contents, doctors can identify hundreds of genetic disorders, including Down’s Syndrome, trisomy 18, and spina bifida. It is usually offered between the fifteenth and eighteenth week of pregnancy, and you have to be very sure that you want it done: there is a 1 in 200 chance of having a miscarriage after amniocentesis, so it is a big risk to take if you don’t really need it. Talk about it…

       Ultrasound Scans

      Oh. My. God. Amazing, amazing, amazing. Scans are one of the most incredible things you will experience during the whole of your pregnancy, on a par with feeling your baby move and looking at your cleavage. A scan makes your baby seem real for the first time, and it can be a huge shock.

      If you have completely irregular periods, like me, then you might have a scan within the first few weeks of gestation, just to confirm how far gone you are. At this stage there is almost nothing to see, except for a small blob, so don’t get too excited.

      It’s common to have another one at about twelve weeks, to check that everything is hunky-dory, and to terrify you a little. By this stage your baby is about six centimetres long, and you may clearly be able to see the beginnings of little limbs, and a definite head bit. This is a good chance to get the first ‘baby photo’, which you can stick on your drinks cabinet to remind you why you’re not going to have that gin and tonic, or hide in your wallet and peek at on the way home.

      The BIG SCAN usually happens at twenty weeks, and you should prepare yourself well. This time you will see a proper-looking human baby sucking its thumb, kicking its legs, waving at you (yes, really waving at you), scratching its head, turning somersaults and all sorts. Most people cry, some can’t speak for hours, and others get hysterical.

      Tips to make the experience better:

      

Never go to a scan alone: This is one of the most important moments of your life, and sharing it with a four-year-old copy of Hello is not a good idea. You will need a cuddle when

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