The Collected Works of Anton Chekhov - Anton Chekhov

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[Loudly] Nicholas Ivanoff, I denounce you to the world as a scoundrel!

      IVANOFF. [Coldly] Many thanks!

      BORKIN. [To LVOFF] Sir, this is dastardly! I challenge you to a duel!

      LVOFF. Monsieur Borkin, I count it a disgrace not only to fight with you, but even to talk to you! Monsieur Ivanoff, however, can receive satisfaction from me whenever he chooses!

      SHABELSKI. Sir, I shall fight you!

      SASHA. [To LVOFF] Why, oh why, have you insulted him? Gentlemen, I beg you, let him tell me why he has insulted him.

      LVOFF. Miss Sasha, I have not insulted him without cause. I came here as a man of honour, to open your eyes, and I beg you to listen to what I have to tell you.

      SASHA. What can you possibly have to tell me? That you are a man of honour? The whole world knows it. You had better tell me on your honour whether you understand what you have done or not. You have come in here as a man of honour and have insulted him so terribly that you have nearly killed me. When you used to follow him like a shadow and almost keep him from living, you were convinced that you were doing your duty and that you were acting like a man of honour. When you interfered in his private affairs, maligned him and criticised him; when you sent me and whomever else you could, anonymous letters, you imagined yourself to be an honourable man! And, thinking that that too was honourable, you, a doctor, did not even spare his dying wife or give her a moment’s peace from your suspicions. And no matter what violence, what cruel wrong you committed, you still imagined yourself to be an unusually honourable and clear-sighted man.

      IVANOFF. [Laughing] This is not a wedding, but a parliament! Bravo! Bravo!

      SASHA. [To LVOFF] Now, think it over! Do you see what sort of a man you are, or not? Oh, the stupid, heartless people! [Takes IVANOFF by the hand] Come away from here Nicholas! Come, father, let us go!

      IVANOFF. Where shall we go? Wait a moment. I shall soon put an end to the whole thing. My youth is awake in me again; the former Ivanoff is here once more.

      [He takes out a revolver.]

      SASHA. [Shrieking] I know what he wants to do! Nicholas, for God’s sake!

      IVANOFF. I have been slipping downhill long enough. Now, halt! It is time to know what honour is. Out of the way! Thank you, Sasha!

      SASHA. [Shrieking] Nicholas! For God’s sake hold him!

      IVANOFF. Let go! [He rushes aside, and shoots himself.]

      THE CURTAIN FALLS.

      THE ANNIVERSARY or, THE FESTIVITIES [trans. by Julius West]

       Table of Contents

      CHARACTERS

      ANDREY ANDREYEVITCH SHIPUCHIN, Chairman of the N —— Joint Stock Bank, a middle-aged man, with a monocle

      TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA, his wife, aged 25

      KUSMA NICOLAIEVITCH KHIRIN, the bank’s aged bookkeeper

      NASTASYA FYODOROVNA MERCHUTKINA, an old woman wearing an old-fashioned cloak

      DIRECTORS OF THE BANK

      EMPLOYEES OF THE BANK

      The action takes place at the Bank

      THE ANNIVERSARY

      [The private office of the Chairman of Directors. On the left is a door, leading into the public department. There are two desks. The furniture aims at a deliberately luxurious effect, with armchairs covered in velvet, flowers, statues, carpets, and a telephone. It is midday. KHIRIN is alone; he wears long felt boots, and is shouting through the door.]

      KHIRIN. Send out to the chemist for 15 copecks’ worth of valerian drops, and tell them to bring some drinking water into the Directors’ office! This is the hundredth time I’ve asked! [Goes to a desk] I’m absolutely tired out. This is the fourth day I’ve been working, without a chance of shutting my eyes. From morning to evening I work here, from evening to morning at home. [Coughs] And I’ve got an inflammation all over me. I’m hot and cold, and I cough, and my legs ache, and there’s something dancing before my eyes. [Sits] Our scoundrel of a Chairman, the brute, is going to read a report at a general meeting. “Our Bank, its Present and Future.” You’d think he was a Gambetta…. [At work] Two… one… one… six… nought… seven…. Next, six… nought… one… six…. He just wants to throw dust into people’s eyes, and so I sit here and work for him like a galley-slave! This report of his is poetic fiction and nothing more, and here I’ve got to sit day after day and add figures, devil take his soul! [Rattles on his counting-frame] I can’t stand it! [Writing] That is, one… three… seven… two… one… nought…. He promised to reward me for my work. If everything goes well to-day and the public is properly put into blinkers, he’s promised me a gold charm and 300 roubles bonus…. We’ll see. [Works] Yes, but if my work all goes for nothing, then you’d better look out…. I’m very excitable…. If I lose my temper I’m capable of committing some crime, so look out! Yes!

      [Noise and applause behind the scenes. SHIPUCHIN’S voice: “Thank you! Thank you! I am extremely grateful.” Enter SHIPUCHIN. He wears a frockcoat and white tie; he carries an album which has been just presented to him.]

      SHIPUCHIN. [At the door, addresses the outer office] This present, my dear colleagues, will be preserved to the day of my death, as a memory of the happiest days of my life! Yes, gentlemen! Once more, I thank you! [Throws a kiss into the air and turns to KHIRIN] My dear, my respected Kusma Nicolaievitch!

      [All the time that SHIPUCHIN is on the stage, clerks intermittently come in with papers for his signature and go out.]

      KHIRIN. [Standing up] I have the honour to congratulate you, Andrey Andreyevitch, on the fiftieth anniversary of our Bank, and hope that…

      SHIPUCHIN. [Warmly shakes hands] Thank you, my dear sir! Thank you! I think that in view of the unique character of the day, as it is an anniversary, we may kiss each other!… [They kiss] I am very, very glad! Thank you for your service… for everything! If, in the course of the time during which I have had the honour to be Chairman of this Bank anything useful has been done, the credit is due, more than to anybody else, to my colleagues. [Sighs] Yes, fifteen years! Fifteen years as my name’s Shipuchin! [Changes his tone] Where’s my report? Is it getting on?

      KHIRIN. Yes; there’s only five pages left.

      SHIPUCHIN. Excellent. Then it will be ready by three?

      KHIRIN. If nothing occurs to disturb me, I’ll get it done. Nothing of any importance is now left.

      SHIPUCHIN. Splendid. Splendid, as my name’s Shipuchin! The general meeting will be at four. If you please, my dear fellow. Give me the first half, I’ll peruse it…. Quick…. [Takes the report] I base enormous hopes on this report. It’s my profession de foi, or, better still, my firework. [Note: The actual word employed.] My firework, as my name’s Shipuchin! [Sits and reads the report to himself] I’m hellishly tired…. My gout kept on giving me trouble last night, all the morning I was running about, and then these excitements, ovations, agitations… I’m tired!

      KHIRIN. Two… nought… nought… three… nine… two… nought. I can’t see straight after all these figures…. Three… one… six… four… one… five…. [Uses the counting-frame.]

      SHIPUCHIN. Another unpleasantness…. This morning your wife came to see me and complained about you once again. Said that last night you threatened her and her sister with a knife. Kusma Nicolaievitch, what do you mean by that? Oh, oh!

      KHIRIN. [Rudely] As it’s an anniversary, Andrey Andreyevitch, I’ll ask for a special favour. Please, even if it’s only out of respect for my toil, don’t interfere in my family life. Please!

      SHIPUCHIN.

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