LITMIR.BIZ

       Mom: Why do we encourage our children to “have the courage to be themselves” and then have a hissy fit if they dye their hair or wear clothes we don’t care for?

      As a family, we discovered something that parents with more than one child have been learning for centuries: Every child is different. Parenting would be so much easier if all children were identical! But because they are not, we had to first understand how God had uniquely “wired” each of our three children, and secondly, we had to adjust our parenting to match each child God gave us.

      Children enter the world with an innate sense of freedom and imagination. They believe anything is possible. They have no inhibitions about trying new things and discovering what works. Unfortunately, around the time children enter school, their inquisitive confidence runs headlong into dream-defying reality in the classroom. This is due in part because, though it may be okay to “be yourself” at home, as soon as you go out into the world, you have to be concerned with your image.

       Crazy Inside, Coiffured Outside

      When I (Carrie) was a child, I loved to style my mom’s hair. Mom would sit down in a chair and doze off while I attached every hair bow and ribbon I owned (enough to supply four seasons of Toddlers in Tiaras) at random places on her head. The feathery barrettes were my favorites, so I usually put those in the front.

      Mom would inevitably gasp with delight when she looked in the mirror while I beamed with pride at my styling finesse. I could have taught Nick Arrojo a thing or two about updos. One day, when Mom was going to run some errands, I took extra care to position the barrettes and feathers “just so.”

      “Everyone will stop and say, ‘Look at the gorgeous lady!’” I exclaimed as I admired my creation, bloated with pride. She dutifully said goodbye, got in the car, and drove away. I knew my mother would be the most elegant woman in the cereal aisle!

      What I didn’t know was that as soon as my longsuffering mother got into the car in the garage, she would painstakingly remove all of her hair apparel. Upon her return home, she would carefully reinstall my handiwork before re-emerging into the house to spare my feelings. On this particular day, Mom stopped at the bank, the grocery store, and the dry cleaners. When she pulled into our garage, she began to hurriedly replace the multitude of hairpieces before re-entering the house.

      As she started pinning them back in, she felt something in her hair that was fluffy…feather-like, even…then she understood why every person she had encountered had grinned so widely at her. Horror of all horrors—her hair looked like the aviary at the San Diego Zoo, complete with plumage. After that incident, Mom began redirecting my fledgling creative efforts into less potentially embarrassing enterprises, like baking cookies. I didn’t realize it at the time, but our “anything goes” attitude at home was being severely curtailed by concern for the opinions of people outside our house.

      It’s one thing to be innovative and daring at home.¹ But in public, we tend to form ranks and trudge in line with everyone else. We are inhibited by people’s opinion far more than we like to admit. Our culture relentlessly pressures children, and their parents, to conform. Schools herd children through standardized tests, routines, and educational formulas. Companies follow bureaucratic policies and procedures. Clever marketing campaigns compel parents to make sure their child does what all the other kids are doing and has what all the other kids have.