Five Television Plays (David Mamet) - David Mamet

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jump up and down and sing a song about how they must make sure they've taken the right things. They sing about the contents of a rucksack, and emergency gear, which they inspect on each other's person. This gear includes: waxed matches in a waterproof container [several containers secreted in various parts of the clothing and generally high up to keep them dry should one fall into waist-high water], a compass, a spare compass, a topographic map of the area to be camped in. A candle for helping to light fires, needle and thread, steel wool which, though it is not generally known, is, in its superfine variety, great tinder and can just be wrung out when wet, extra clothing, rain gear, pencil and paper, fishing line and hook, bandages, whistle, etc. They finish the song, and, having checked each other out, decide that they are ready to proceed to the bus, which they have ten minutes to catch. In deciding which coat to wear, they turn on the radio to catch a weather report.)

      DOUG: I can't believe we're really going.

      WINNIE: Have I ever lied to you?

      DOUG: No!

      WINNIE: Well, then, there you are.

      RADIO ANNOUNCER (voice over): In other news, Congressman John Lame, up for reelection, yesterday was accosted for the misdemeanor of Attempting to Defraud of Services, or, to put it simply, a waitress at a restaurant he frequents, accused the Congressman of lifting her tip off her table.

      WINNIE: . . . come on, let's get out of here . . .

      CONGRESSMAN (voice over): You know, it's easy to accuse, and, I think by far the simplest thing would be to let this sick accusation pass, and go my way, but there comes a time . . .

      WINNIE: Turn that creep off, let's go to the country . . .

      DOUG (turns off radio): What'd he do?

      WINNIE: The creep. Lifted a tip off of a waitress's table. Can you believe that?

      DOUG (opening door): What a life.

      WINNIE: On to the Wilds!

      (In the door are two burly plainclothes POLICEMEN.)

      POLICEMAN: Winnie Magee?

      WINNIE: I . . . uh, what is it?

      POLICEMAN: Are you Ms. Winnie Magee?

      WINNIE: I can't talk to you now, we have to catch a bus.

      POLICEMAN: ARE YOU WIN . . . ?

      WINNIE: Yes, but I can't talk . . .

      POLICEMAN (simultaneously with “talk"): You're under arrest. Would you come with us, please?

      WINNIE: I . . .

      DOUG: Wait, you can't, what's this all . . . ?

      POLICEMAN: Slander, Malicious Mischief, Defamation of Character, would you please . . . ?

      WINNIE: Who, what . . . ?

      DOUG: What are you doing to my mother?

      SECOND POLICEMAN: She insulted a congressman, kid.

      WINNIE: But we . . . we just have ten minutes to catch the bus . . .

      (They are in a court of law.)

      And we're going to Yellowstone P . . . what is this, what's going on here . . . ?

      JUDGE: You are accused of wantonly, maliciously, and with malice aforethought having verbally assaulted, insulted, and impugned the character of one John Larue, Congressman for the Seventh District of. . .

      WINNIE: HOLD ON A SECOND. I insulted wh . . . ?

      JUDGE: You have no voice in this court, would you please, who is your counsel?

      WINNIE: Say that again?

      BAILIFF: Who's your lawyer?

      WINNIE: I don't have a lawyer, why should . . . What's going on here? (Pause.) Come on, I have to catch a bus. (Pause.)

      JUDGE: You are accused by the Congressman here (CONGRESSMAN stands) of, in simple terms, of lying about him in such a way as to damage his reputation.

      WINNIE: Ah.

      JUDGE: When you said that he stole your tip.

      WINNIE: He did steal my tip.

      JUDGE: The court will now appoint you a lawyer.

      WINNIE: I don't need a lawyer, I don't want one. Let's settle this here and now, ‘cause I'm on my vacation time, alright? You tell me how you want to do this, and let's get this done.

      JUDGE: You wish to act as your own lawyer?

      WINNIE: That's . . . okay. (Pause.) Okay.

      JUDGE: You're making a mistake.

      WINNIE: I've made them before. Nothing to be scared of, now: what is the thing?

      DOUG: Mom, what's going on . . . ?

      (WINNIE and DOUG hold a whispered consultation while the BAILIFF and the JUDGE sing about the charge and the procedure in this case. They are joined by the LAWYER for the CONGRESSMAN and the CONGRESSMAN, who sing about her heinous behavior and the grave damage that has been done. They stop. Pause.)

      WINNIE: Now what?

      JUDGE: You may present your case.

      WINNIE: It's my turn to speak?

      JUDGE: Yes.

      WINNIE (sings):

      Let me preface my remarks by saying

      that I have to catch a bus

      Because I am enroute to Yellowstone Park

      Where, my son and I are taking

      a long-planned vacation

      In the wilds of this great land.

      I am a simple kind of gal which is to say

      I'm just as complex as the rest of us here but

      there are some basic things that I believe in

      one of which is

      that we are entitled to a just pay

      for the work that we do

      in my case a waitress

      which is to say that I work for tips.

      Okay?

      My salary is directly tied to this one thing:

      my ability to please, which is to say, to make comfortable

      the patrons of my restaurant, who have come out to eat.

      The first rule of which is:

      THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

      Which rule I do adhere to.

      IN THIS CASE HOWEVER. ONE:

      The man performed a criminal act . . .

      CONGRESSMAN: . . . I DID NOT.

      WINNIE: AND I asked him . . .

      LAWYER: What was that act?

      WINNIE: He stole my tip.

      LAWYER: I rest my case.

      WINNIE: I asked him to replace it. He did not, and two: I called upon the customers to help me out. That's the beginning and the end, and that is what occurred. Now; are we free to leave?

      DOUG: Can we go now?

      (End of song.)

      JUDGE: Can you prove that he took your tip?

      WINNIE: No.

      JUDGE: You can not?

      WINNIE: No. The only proof is that I saw him.

      JUDGE: We will now consider this case.

      DOUG: Mom, do we have time to make the bus . . . ?

      WINNIE (simultaneously with “bus"): Just barely. If he does this quick.

      JUDGE:

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