LITMIR.BIZ

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      “I don’t think you’re a replacement for her. It’s just difficult. Everyone either thinks she’s lurking around a corner waiting to come back, or they think she’s off having my kid, or they think she’s dead and that maybe I killed her.” His voice had gotten louder. “It’s kind of hard to just be with you now. Not to mention the fact that she kind of ruined my desire to be with anyone right now. I’m sorry. It’s just not going to happen.”

      In the pit of my chest, something had been growing stronger and stronger. And the more time that passed at Manderley Academy, the more it reared its head and breathed hot fire. It ran through me, keeping me from feeling sad and lonely—which could have easily happened—and instead drove me to get quietly more and more sure of myself.

      After my conversation with Max, I packed up my oil paints and left. My painting was fine. It was just me who was nitpicking at the details in it. I walked up to Blake’s room.

      “Let’s start drinking.”

      These were the first words out of my mouth when I saw her. I hadn’t been sure about going to the last party of the semester, but now I definitely was going. She laughed at first in surprise, but then narrowed her eyes and asked if I was okay.

      “I’m great, I just want to have fun. Let’s go do our makeup!”

      Blake grabbed two Gatorades and a water bottle full of clear whatever, and we went into my room. Dana sat on her bed, filling the air with gloom.

      “Want a shot?” I asked her. Blake smiled when Dana glared at me. I rolled my eyes and walked into the bathroom. We set up my laptop and turned on iTunes. I had no new music of course, since I was not allowed to connect to the internet.

      This place was practically primitive.

      We each downed the liquor in the water bottle, and half an hour later we were dizzy and laughing hysterically about I-don’t-even-know-what.

      “Oh, my God, that’s hilarious,” said Blake, who was sitting in the empty tub. “So tell me. Did you guys ever … you know….”

      I bit my lower lip and took another swig. I nodded.

      “No way, really? How was he? I know Becca said he had a big—”

      We both started laughing again. I noticed that the door to my bedroom was not completely closed, so I crawled over and shut it.

      “Yeah, it’s definitely, um … fun. He’s good. You know. Awesome.”

      Blake snorted and then knocked the soap into her lap. She put it back, still laughing. The door in my room slammed shut, shaking the door in the bathroom. We ignored it.

      “Well, what exactly happened tonight?”

      I told her that Max and I had talked and he’d been a dick, and gave me a speech about how it was never going to happen.

      “I don’t even know where it came from, really. We were talking … she came up … and then all of a sudden he was telling me he couldn’t give me what he gave her.”

      She furrowed her eyebrows. “It’s weird. He acts way different around you than he ever did around her. Like … he seeks you out. He wants to talk to you. He laughs around you. I swear I’m not sure I ever saw him smile before this year.”

      I shrugged. “Maybe he goes for that whole painful relationship thing. Maybe it’s some kind of masochistic thing.”

      She sneered, and handed me the bottle. “Way less hot than hair-pulling.”

      We laughed again, and then both squealed when our newly decided favorite song came on.

      Blake glanced at her watch. “It’s almost eleven, let’s start getting ready.”

      Everyone was in good spirits tonight. Including me. Even the dreaded, freezing walk down to the boathouse was okay. Blake and I kept making too much noise and shushing each other and ourselves—so there was little time to worry about the chilly air.

      The music inside the boathouse was loud, and everyone was laughing and flirting. Maybe it had always been this way, and I’d just been too self-conscious and worried about everything that I hadn’t enjoyed it. Whatever it was about that night, I ended up being bolder than I’d ever been.

      “You know what we should do?” I shouted across the beer pong table. “We should—Wait, Blake,” I whispered in her ear.

      She nodded and then laughed.

      “Okay,” I continued, “we should play strip beer pong.” I smiled and bit my bottom lip.

      Our opponents, Cam and Johnny, laughed and said that that sounded like a fantastic idea. Johnny had apologized to me earlier in the night, and in my current mood, it had been no problem. The dragon in my chest just seethed a little flame, and then relaxed, waiting for the right time to really explode.

      “So every time we make one, you have to take something off,” said Blake.

      Johnny smiled. “And vice versa.”

      “Well, that’s just not going to matter, because we’re not going to give you a chance.”

      “Oh-ho!” Cam exclaimed. “It’s our shot first.” He threw it and made it in the middle cup. The crowd around us, which had grown considerably since Blake’s and my announcement, whooped.

      Dana, who looked constantly on the verge of exploding herself, was sitting straight up in a chair against the wall and staring at Johnny.

      Whatever.

      Johnny missed. I made mine. Blake made hers. We got the balls back. However long later, however, Blake and I were both in our bras. I could kind of see how easy it would be to rope in these people and herd them like cattle. I get too drunk, I act fun and a little slutty—and suddenly their hearts are mine. No one was talking about Becca.

      I was about to take my shot when the boathouse door opened. I’d almost known it’d be him.

      The music kept pounding, but the chatter died for a few seconds when he came in. I shot the ball and made it. Johnny sighed and took off his shirt. I didn’t want to, but I glanced at his body as he did so. It was a good body. So I guess I wanted to.

      I averted my eyes, and unfortunately locked eyes with Dana. She stood and walked over to me, pushed Blake out of the way, and then slapped me hard across the face.

      My chest burned. The room was silent but for the music.

      Max and Johnny were on her like bouncers, each taking an arm. But still no one spoke.

      “I think you know what that’s for.” Her words were icy and sharp.

      “I—I …” My cowardice was back.

      “You need me to clarify?” She squirmed in the clutches of her restrainers. “How about you stop fucking him?”

      Everyone was looking at me. Waiting for me to confirm or deny with words or with a reaction. I let my face be blank. I would be strong. I had to be. I wasn’t going to slap her back. But I had to do something.

      “Stop fucking him?” I took a step toward her, feeling the dragon in my chest open its jaws. “Maybe when I’m dead.”

      I didn’t look anyone in the eyes but her. Hers widened and then narrowed.

      I grabbed my shirt and walked out. Blake followed me, and we walked to our rooms in silence.

      It was snowing. The small snowflakes were accumulating on the ground, creating a soft, delicate blanket. It was the first time I’d seen snow. It seemed appropriate that I should see it now.

      For I had never felt colder.

      chapter 19 me

      IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE, AND I’D ALREADY GOTTEN my first present: I could take off my sweatshirt and

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