LITMIR.BIZ

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had the hardest time dealing with things.

      ‘No go?’ Carla asked.

      ‘Not at this stage,’ James said. ‘I’ve given him some decent sites to look at and some reading material.’

      As he wrote in Richard’s notes James could fully understand Richard’s decision. He was fortunate that he did have options, and chemotherapy wasn’t a decision to be made lightly, or pressured into. He looked through the glass screen at the patients in for treatment this morning and recognised a couple of them.

      There was Georgia, back to do battle again, her headphones on. She gave him a smile as she caught him looking over and James returned it, and then he let her be because she closed her eyes and went back to the affirmations she played through the headphones each time her treatment was delivered. Then he looked over at Heath, who didn’t look over or up. He was still too busy controlling the world from his laptop, still insisting the world wouldn’t survive without him for a couple of days …

      It just might have to, though.

      James must have dropped his suitcase off on his way to the hospital because when Ava walked into the apartment, laden with bags, there it was in the lounge.

      She could smell that blasted cologne in the air, just a trace that lingered, and she opened a window to let in some fresh air. They had a two-bedroom apartment at Kirribilli Views. It was the perfect place for a young professional couple and several other medical staff from the hospital lived there. One of the bedrooms was used as James’s study. Many times while he had been away Ava had found herself in there and she found herself in there now. It was always messy. James had forbidden her from tidying it, insisting he knew where everything was. There was their wedding photo on the desk and Ava couldn’t help but think how young and happy they looked. She wandered into their bedroom—well, for the last year or so it had been her bedroom. She kept her home far neater than she kept her office, though it was hard to keep anything tidy with James around, even though they had Gladys, the cleaner, coming once a week. Really, for the last three months Gladys must’ve thought herself on holiday—well, she’d get a shock when she came in this week now that James was back.

      She wandered into their en suite. Gladys would have a fit when she saw it, because for the last three months it had been spotless. Ava routinely wiped down the shower after use and folded towels and put them back. James left his clothes where they dropped and his towels too. Funny, that even though he slept on the sofa, he always used the en suite. There was a small bathroom in the hallway, a guest bathroom, and James probably didn’t want to be a guest in his own home.

      God, she was nervous, and she jumped when her phone bleeped a text from James telling her he’d be home about seven.

      Well, he wasn’t exactly racing home his first night back.

      So she put the shopping away and marinated some chicken and tried to tell herself it was ridiculous to feel so nervous. It was just James coming home.

      ‘Sorry about that.’ She jumped as she heard James’s key in the door. ‘I dropped into Mum’s.’ He was balancing containers of food from Veronica, who seemed to think he needed rations to fortify him. He gave her a kiss but he was still holding the containers, so it was rather hit-and-miss.

      ‘No problem.’ Ava was used to him being late, so she didn’t put the vegetable steamer on till she heard him come through the door. ‘Dinner won’t be long.’ It felt strange to be cooking for two again. The last three months she’d been eating mainly frozen meals, healthy ones, though, and with extra steamed vegetables, and she’d taken up exercising again and lost a little bit of weight too. Still, cooking for two really meant cooking for two in this house. James liked jacket potatoes and butter with everything and he hated steamed vegetables, which were what Ava liked. She’d started eating really healthily when she’d lost the first baby, and she couldn’t quite let go of it, but she was trying to get her old self back.

      ‘Do you want veggies?’ she asked as she served up, and he gave her the oddest look. ‘I mean, you’ve lost weight, I thought maybe you’re on a diet.’

      ‘I joined a gym.’ James shrugged. ‘I can eat what I want now,’ he said. ‘It’s great.’

      No, she wanted to correct him, because it wasn’t just about that, but she didn’t want to start the night with nagging. She’d already pursed her lips when he’d come home with cartons of chicken and stir-fried rice from his mum’s.

      ‘You look like you’ve lost weight too.’ James followed her into the living area and they sat down at the table for the first time in a very long time. She felt more awkward than one of her patients on their first visit. ‘I’ve been riding,’ Ava said, ‘and swimming.’

      ‘That’s good,’ James said. ‘That’s good, Ava.’

      It was good, except she felt as if she was giving up on her dream … She’d given up so many things trying to hold on to their baby. Their first pregnancy the doctor had said that of course she could ride, given that she regularly did, and she was incredibly fit after all. So she’d carried on riding and swimming each morning and they had made love lots, as they always had.

      The second pregnancy, she’d given up riding, figuring that it seemed stupid to risk a fall.

      The third pregnancy, she had felt as if she were on a tightrope and had given up swimming, and by the fourth she had given up James.

      And when she’d lost that one, Ava simply knew she couldn’t go through it again. It had been a relief to go on the Pill, to decide that children weren’t going to happen for them, to get on with their lives.

      Except they hadn’t.

      She sliced her grilled chicken, tried not to think about it. She didn’t want to think about babies. It was hard not to, though. She never had any problems getting pregnant. It was staying pregnant that had proved impossible. Six weeks, nine weeks, seven weeks and then ten weeks once …

      She remembered Finn dragging her to the door.

      Remembered his voice as he’d called her husband, but by then it had already been too late.

      ‘So what did you get up to in Brisbane?’

      ‘Not much. The teaching was pretty full on.’

      ‘You seemed pretty busy.’

      He stood to get another bottle of water.

      ‘Might treat myself to sparkling,’ James said, and she knew it was a dig, because after three months apart they should be popping corks.

      ‘Can you check I turned the oven off?’ She watched his shoulders stiffen, knew it drove him crazy when once it had made him laugh, but she was forever checking things like that.

      ‘Well?’

      ‘It’s off,’ he said, cracking open the sparkling water, filling his glass and then raising it. ‘Cheers!’

      She was quite sure he hadn’t checked but didn’t say so, very determined not to start a row.

      Or face that conversation.

      ‘I got you Mum’s present for her birthday.’ God, but it was awkward. They hadn’t seen each other for three months so they should be at it over the table right now, completely unable to keep their hands off each other. Instead, there had been no contact and, worse, the conversation was strained. They simply had nothing to say to each other—it was worse than a first date.

      ‘How’s your work?’ James asked.

      ‘Busy.’

      ‘I heard about Finn’s operation being cancelled.’

      ‘Postponed.’

      ‘Ava.’ He’d finished his chicken and she had barely started hers. ‘While I’ve been away, I’ve been—’

      ‘I had a chat with Evie …’ They didn’t speak at the same time. James started and she interrupted

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