LITMIR.BIZ

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thoughts were interrupted by a loud rapping at the door.

      “Christian,” Sebastian said through the door, “I want to talk to you.”

      I let several moments pass without responding. I figured he would go away eventually. He didn’t.

      “Please?” he begged.

      “No, Sebastian. I want to be alone.”

      “Let’s just talk about the problem. I’m concerned.”

      “You don’t need to worry about me. You’ve got a state race to get ready for,” I said, and placed my head back against the door.

      “Chris, trust me. If I didn’t want to be here, if I didn’t want to know, I wouldn’t be here. But because I care about you and your well-being, I’m asking you to tell me what’s got you down.”

      I didn’t respond. Maybe he was right. Part of me wanted to just release all of these issues into the open—mainly my potential pregnancy.

      “Okay,” I said, unlatching the chain. “The door’s unlocked.”

      He rushed into the room and pulled me close. “What’s tormenting you, Christian?”

      I didn’t answer.

      “Whatever it is, just tell me. We’re supposed to be friends. I’ll listen—I promise.”

      “Sebastian, I don’t want to burden you. Why don’t you just go home? I’ll be okay.”

      He pulled me closer.

      “Sebastian, please!”

      “I refuse to leave when you’re obviously upset, so you may as well tell me what’s going on.”

      “All right,” I said, letting my guard down. “You want to know what’s up with me? Then I’ll tell you.” I paused. “I might be pregnant. I mean, I thought I wasn’t, but now I’m just unsure.”

      He didn’t bat an eye. “So let’s talk about it.” He took a seat in the chair next to me. “Are you in a committed relationship?” he asked.

      “Well…I can’t even believe I’m telling you this.”

      “Christian, nothing you say can keep me from wanting to know you. I want us to be honest with each other.”

      “No. I’m not in a committed relationship,” I said. “I mean, I was in a relationship, but not anymore. I’ve always lived that aspect of my life spontaneously.” I nearly choked on my tears. “Sebastian, I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m pregnant.”

      “God can help you find a way to deal with any situation.”

      His confidence in the power of God almost made me ill. How could he be so comfortable with his relationship with God? I silently wondered if it were possible for God to love someone like me, someone who had purposely committed the sins I had committed: ending an unborn life, sleeping with married men, enjoying casual sexual relationships. I had to tell this guy I was not the strong, put-together Christian woman he thought I was.

      “I’m supposed to be a role model for my younger sister, and if she follows my path I don’t know where she’ll end up,” I said boldly and honestly. “Sebastian, I don’t know what kind of girl you’re looking for, but…I did something a long time ago that still haunts me. How can God forgive me when I can’t even forgive myself? I don’t think you need to hang out with me.”

      “What do you mean?” he asked.

      “My walk with God isn’t really strong, because I have done something that is so horrid I don’t believe that I’m worthy of His forgiveness. But I guess that’s pretty obvious now, isn’t it?”

      He took my hand. “My life hasn’t always been perfect, either. But God’s grace covers all.”

      “How can you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He is so forgiving?”

      He looked me in the eye, his face filled with confidence. “By faith I believe that Jesus Christ was sent to this earth by God to die for my sins and the sins of the world. He’s there for me all the time.”

      “Most of the people I know who say they’re Christians are the biggest sinners I know. Every time I turn around, I see some fallen mega-pastor in the news.”

      “It’s true—there are some leaders who profess to be Christians and don’t act like it. But I leave that up to God, because they’ll have to answer to Him on Judgment Day. Only God can judge what kind of person someone is on the inside.”

      I nodded once to let him know I understood. Sebastian just stared at me. I didn’t feel uncomfortable. I felt like a lady.

      “I’m very attracted to you, Christian Ware. You’re a beautiful woman inside and out. You’re a genuinely good person. My intuition tells me so. However, right now I’m more concerned for your soul,” he said.

      I looked away, unable to look into his piercing eyes. “This isn’t the first time I’ve been pregnant.” I confessed to having an abortion four years ago.

      “Christian, Jesus Christ died on the cross for all the sins of the world. Even yours. There’s not a single person who hasn’t sinned in some way. But God promises that if we repent and ask Him for forgiveness, He will grant it. He’ll even help you learn to forgive yourself.”

      Sebastian stayed and talked the whole night. He read a small passage from the Book of John and I sat there, soaking up God’s word. It was as if someone greater was talking through Sebastian.

      Sometime in the early-morning hours, I fell asleep in his arms. When I awoke, Sebastian was snoring softly, still holding me. I didn’t want to disturb him, so I lay very still, enjoying the warmth of his chest through his silk shirt.

      It had been five weeks since that night at Troy’s place. Maybe I needed to go to the doctor to get a blood test since my cycle still hadn’t come.

      I was awakened by the patter of little feet and children’s voices shouting in the hallway outside of my room. I wondered what time it was. I glanced at my watch to see that it was nine A.M.

      When I couldn’t lie still any longer and adjusted my position, I woke Sebastian. He opened his eyes, smiled, and said, “Good morning.”

      “You’re still here,” I said, smiling. “You didn’t run away in the middle of the night.”

      He smiled. “I’ve got a peace that surpasses understanding. I know God can take care of anything.”

      “I wish I had your faith.”

      He held me closer. “Christian, just because you had an abortion before doesn’t mean you have to make the same mistake again. If you are pregnant, you can give your child a home, either with an adoptive family or keep it yourself.”

      I knew I couldn’t go through another abortion.

      “Even if the child’s earthly father won’t be there for you, the heavenly Father will be.”

      I hugged Sebastian tightly. At that moment, he was closer to me than a confidant.

      “Why don’t we get dressed and go down for some breakfast,” he suggested. “I’m famished.” He stood. “I’ll be back as soon as I get changed and cleaned up.”

      After he left the room, I got my cell phone out of my purse and checked my messages. Eden had called to tell me things were going great. My mom had called to see how my new job was going. My fifteen-year-old sister wanted money for a new leather jacket. Max said he enjoyed seeing me at the wedding. Surprisingly, Troy had called to tell me that he missed me. He sure did wait a while—he hasn’t called in over a month.

      I hadn’t called, either. As a matter of fact, I hadn’t spoken to Troy since that night I left him. At first, I wouldn’t have minded never talking to him again; however, I knew he would play a big role

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