LITMIR.BIZ

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day, I stayed in bed. My mother brought me endless cups of hot mint tea with lemon as well as laxative pills that I could hardly get down. She made me a piece of poached chicken and a green salad for my lunch and urged me to eat something. By the end of the day, she had stopped asking me how I felt but still came into my bedroom from time to time for a quick chat. I felt that she knew I was feigning sickness and was putting me to the test.

      In the evening, Kamel came in and kissed my head. He smiled and told me, “I’ve paid your school fees today. Here’s the receipt. You can go to school again tomorrow.”

      He put the receipt on the bedside table and got up to leave, but I grabbed hold of his hand and said, “Kamel. Just a moment.”

      “All right.”

      “What is going on with our father?”

      “Everything’s fine with him, praise be to God.”

      “Why didn’t he pay the fees?”

      “I told you already. He must just have forgotten.”

      “Kamel. Please tell me the truth.”

      I burst out crying. The tension was more than I could bear. Kamel placed his hand on my head to calm me. I kept on asking him, and he nodded and said quietly, “The fact is that our father is going through a financial crisis.”

      “Isn’t our father a rich man?”

      “Of course he is, but this year’s crops didn’t sell well.”

      I kept looking at him in silence. He said gently, “Don’t worry about such things. They happen to everyone.”

      “Oh, but it must be so hard on our father.”

      “The crisis will pass, please God.”

      “Isn’t there something I can do to help?”

      “If you want to help him, then look to your studies. What will help our father the most is to see us doing well.”

      I looked at him and tried to smile. He leaned over, planted another kiss on my forehead and left the room.

      The following day, when I went to school, nothing was the same. Everything had changed. My feelings toward myself, toward my girlfriends, the way I dealt with the teachers. I felt as if I was hiding the truth from everyone, as if I had a secret life apart from the open life with my schoolmates. I felt inferior to all of them, even those I disliked or considered ugly or at the bottom of the class. They were all better than me because they had not had to stay home until their father paid their fees. I started sleeping fitfully and became completely absentminded and could no longer follow what the teachers were telling us. After two weeks of aimlessness, I started to really worry about my behavior. If I carried on like that, I would end up having to repeat the year, and I kept remembering what Kamel had said to me, “The thing that will help our father the most is to see us doing well.”

      I decided to throw myself into my studies. Prayer helped me to get over my melancholy. The moment I did my ablutions, I would feel a sense of calm, and I regained my focus. I set myself a serious and methodical study schedule. Math was like falling off a log for me. For as long as I could remember, I had always loved numbers. They were real and definite, whereas a word could be ambiguous. The number five was always the number five. It meant the same for everyone. As a child, whenever I was on the tram, I would amuse myself by seeing how many numbers I could spot through the window. I tried to memorize all the numbers I saw on license plates and houses. As time went on, I realized I could do complicated sums in my head. I can’t remember not getting top marks in math, and my mother used to beg me to refrain from showing off in front of my classmates so they wouldn’t get jealous. I was always ahead of them, astonished that they could not grasp the relationships that to me seemed totally obvious. Whenever I would sit down to solve a problem and then checked the solution at the back of the book, I was always thrilled to discover that I had not made a single error. I often think of my life in terms of mathematics. If I were to draw a graph of my childhood, I would find that it went along a straight path and then veered sharply. The straight line represents the carefree time. I was the only daughter, spoiled by everyone. It was as if I grew up snuggling in my mother’s lap inhaling her familiar smell. Then my dream world vanished. We were poor, and our father had difficulty making ends meet. I studied harder.

      My mother and Kamel were very supportive, but my brother Said was jealous because I was getting good marks, whereas he had ended up in a vocational school. He would cause all sorts of problems in order to stop me from studying. He would accuse me of not doing enough around the apartment, of lacking manners, and would invent excuses to punish me. He would rant and rave because I gave myself a manicure or curled my hair in ringlets. He would tell me off for lying on my stomach and reading with my bedroom door open. When he tried to slap me, Kamel and my mother would always intervene. Thinking about Said, I would always become sad and fearful. Why did he resent me so much? His feelings toward me hurt much more than any physical pain he inflicted.

      After every argument, when I was crying, I felt that Said became a little more relaxed, as if he had achieved his aim. His physical presence filled me with dread, particularly when Kamel was out at university. The moment I heard Said’s voice, I would lock my door. Complaining about him to our father was out of the question, as he did not need any more problems. He was already going through enough for our sakes. Contrary to his intent, the war Said was waging against me only made me more determined in my studies. Unfortunately, no sooner had the matter of the fees been decided than I found a new problem waiting for me at school. I wasn’t the only one of my classmates to be taken by surprise when Miss Suad, the physical education teacher, told us we had to buy white ballet shoes.

      We did our gym classes in sports shoes, which had always done the job, but Miss Suad, in one of her fickle moments, had decided that ballet shoes were what we had to have. Some of the girls resisted, telling her that our regular rubber-soled gym shoes were cheaper and sturdier than ballet shoes, which were not only expensive but so flimsy they would only last a few classes. But such efforts were in vain, and Miss Suad declared with finality, “You girls will simply have to purchase ballet shoes. Any girl who comes without them will be punished.”

      I was torn. After the school fees, I did not dare ask my father for ballet shoes. And I was overcome by guilt. If only I had saved the money I frittered away on the cinema and unnecessary purchases, I would at least have been able to contribute toward the cost. There was a small hope that Miss might forget the matter. But she did have her moods the following week, when I turned up in my regular gym shoes and stood at the end of the row, hoping that she would not notice. She said nothing until a few minutes before the end of class; then Miss came up to me and said in a hard voice, “Saleha! Where are your ballet shoes?”

      I apologized and said that I had forgotten to bring them. “Bring them next week or you’ll be in serious trouble. Understood?”

      I nodded and promised not to forget, but then I showed up next time in my rubber-soled shoes anyway. I was the only girl in class with the wrong shoes. Miss was as good as her word. She pulled me out of the class, stood me in the yard as my classmates continued their exercises and threatened to march me off to the headmistress if I did not bring the ballet shoes to the next class. I felt trapped. Could I simply skip school on Saturdays in order to avoid her class? That would mean missing some other important classes. In the end, I had to tell my mother. She put her arms around me and said, “Why didn’t you tell me from the beginning?”

      “I don’t want to be a burden on my father. He has enough to worry about.”

      It was the first time I had spoken frankly with my mother, rather than going along with the rosy picture she always painted. She replied in a serious tone, “I’ll tell your father. He’ll manage.”

      “I need the ballet shoes before Saturday; otherwise, I won’t be able to go to school!”

      “Don’t worry, Saleha. We’ll get them for you, God willing.”

      “What do I do if my father doesn’t have the money?”

      This last question seemed to weigh heavily

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