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husband who was simply trying to instill good values in his children.

      In counseling Michael was asked to think, between sessions, about any early memories he had of his father and to write them down. Here is what he came up with:

       • A vague image of him leaning up against his father on the family room couch, watching a cartoon show and laughing together.

       • Reading at night before bed. Michael’s father would lie beside him and they would go through their regular ritual that included reading a story and then giving each other a special, “secret” handshake.

       • Going with his father to a nearby park and being pushed on the swings. Michael also vaguely remembered screaming in excitement when he felt he was being pushed too high, and his father then catching the swing and stopping it.

      Michael could not figure out the significance of any of these early memories. Indeed, he had not thought about any of these attachments from his earlier life for many years. His therapist, however, suggested a couple of ways in which they could be relevant. The memories suggested, for example, that Michael’s father had been a major source of comfort for him before he left. He read bedtime stories to Michael, which is not only comforting to young children but cements the attachment between parent and child. Finally, Michael’s father was a source of fun (taking him to the park and pushing him on the swings) as well as security (being able to stop the swing whenever Michael got anxious).

      It was pretty evident, then, that Michael’s father had actually played an important role in his life during his early years, and that the father-son bond had been strong. Then, after the divorce, Dad (and the father-son attachment) was suddenly gone. Viewed from the perspective of young Michael, he had not only been loved, but also abandoned by his father. This lost attachment would later be reflected in Michael’s difficulty getting close to others. He still had few friends, and was notably distrustful as well as jealous. His wife said the word “smothering” seemed right.

      Despite his success Michael could be dreadfully self-critical. And, he had a temper, but could also fall into deep states of depression. Even the slightest criticism would send him into an emotional tailspin. These traits were all part of his borderline personality.

      The following exercise is designed to help you take stock and reflect on your early experiences of attachment.

      Your Early Memories

      It can be productive to take some time, as Michael was asked to do, to reflect on your earliest memories with each of your parents. Here are a couple of ground rules:

       • Don’t rush this process. Your initial response may well be that you don’t have many (or any) memories of your childhood. That may be the case, but if you allow this idea to “incubate” for a couple of weeks you will most likely find some memories emerging. Some of these may come to you suddenly, “out of the blue,” so to speak, when you least expect it. Some may even come to you when you are asleep.

       • Write your memories down in a journal or notebook of some kind. This can be helpful as these memories can easily fade out of consciousness again.

       • Be looking out in particular for memories, like Michael’s, of interactions you may have had with your father and mother, as well as any other adults you lived with.

       • What emotional tone is associated with each of your memories? Do these memories evoke feelings of warmth and comfort? Conversely, do they evoke anxiety? Anger?

       • As you look over your memories, do you get an impression that one of your parents may have had mixed feelings (ambivalence) about you? Which one? How was this ambivalence reflected in his or her behavior?

       • Who do you think you were most attached to as a child? Were any of these attachments broken, for example by divorce or abandonment?

      Places

      In addition to people and objects, children can also form attachments to places. Think about this:

       • When you were a child, did your family vacation in the same place year after year?

       • Was there a space in your home where you felt comfortable and especially liked spending time?

       • Did you like to arrange your bedroom (or your part of it) in any particular way?

       • Would you be upset if anyone changed the way you’d arranged objects in your life?

      The above are all examples of attachments to places. One man I counseled, Tom, spoke fondly of a tree house he and an older brother had built as children. Tom had a strong attachment to his brother, as well as to his mother. Their father had been a gambling addict who’d abandoned the family when Tom was three, apparently as a way of fleeing his debts. Tom not only spent time with his brother in that tree house, which was complete with a shingled roof and screening to keep out insects, but also used it as a refuge. On hot summer nights he often slept in the tree house alone, reading by the light of a lantern until he fell asleep.

      As adults we sometimes think of this form of attachment as nostalgia: as a simple longing for days gone by. But these attachments are real, not just wistful thinking. They contribute to that sense of safety and stability that children rely on as a “home base” from which to venture forth and explore the world. Frequent disruptions in these attachments provoke deep anxiety of the “free-floating” variety described earlier.

      As you were growing up, did you form attachments to places, as well as people and objects? Were these attachments stable, or were they often broken? This frequently happens, for example, to boys who grew up in a series of foster homes, and it often occurs with little notice.

      SUMMING UP

       Although problems of attachment may not be the sole cause of BPD in men, I believe it is certain that they play a large role. Our tendency to view boys as tough and rugged—not just physically, but emotionally—can set them up to develop the traits and temperaments associated with MBPD. They in turn can internalize that stereotype and expect themselves to be impervious to traumatic experiences such as abandonment, abuse, and rejection. As they evolve into men these boys may well be blind to the connection between their earlier experiences and their adult personalities and problems of living.

CHAPTER THREE

       MBPD: Misunderstood, Mistreated, Men

      Imagine that you are a therapist and I refer a client to you using the following brief description:

       Dear Dr. Jones:

       Thank you for agreeing to meet with Chris, who is thirty years old. Chris currently works full-time as a graphic designer while also taking graduate courses evenings and weekends toward an advanced degree, and hopes to eventually secure a teaching position in a community college.

      Chris reports a history of severe difficulty in relationships, specifically feeling “let down” and “taken advantage of” on several occasions. Chris also reports some trouble controlling emotions and apparently can “swing” from intense depression to intense anger rather quickly. This also often happens in the context of relationship conflict. As a teen, Chris reports having engaged in some minor “cutting” behavior when stressed, though this stopped a few years ago. Since then, however, Chris admits to drinking heavily when under stress or when feeling depressed. Chris was prescribed an antidepressant one year ago and though the medication is taken as prescribed, Chris does not feel that it has helped much. Accordingly, I am referring Chris for counseling with you.

      What is your first impression: Is “Chris,” as described in the above “referral”:

       • A thirty-year-old woman, or

       • A thirty-year-old man?

      Take a moment to read the following:

       I have long wondered

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