Hard to Love - Joseph Nowinski

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CHAPTER SEVEN

       Finding Your Voice

       CHAPTER EIGHT

       Facing the Demon Within: Living with Insecurity

       CHAPTER NINE

       From Self-Hatred to Self-Acceptance

       CHAPTER TEN

       Boundaries: Me, You, and Us

       CHAPTER ELEVEN

       Building Psychological Resilience

       CHAPTER TWELVE

       Fathering: Opportunity for a Fresh Start

      Creating and maintaining a long-lasting intimate relationship is no easy task, and poses challenges for most of us. Even for those who were blessed with ample supplies of love, attention, security, etc. from their childhood caregivers, having a healthy and happy intimate bond requires tremendous fortitude and perseverance, plus a commitment to conscious and deliberate self-awareness.

      No doubt, for those who did not receive adequate supplies of the necessary ingredients early on in life, the challenge can be daunting. Imagine how hard it would be if you not only didn’t get many of the “goodies,” but you also received a bunch of the “baddies,” that is, neglect, abandonment, or abuse? Definitely not an easy task. Plus, to make matters even more difficult, many males are taught that they need to be as tough as nails and don’t—nor should they—need the “soft” and “feminine” forms of nurturance that are reserved for a few lucky ones, girls.

      For years, the field of psychology has been heavily saturated with attention and focus on women and the well-being of their relationships, particularly in terms of how to make their intimate bonds strong and healthy, as if the male gender’s situation didn’t matter. Tons of attention went toward understanding and diagnosing insecure and emotionally unstable women, both through the world of professional counseling and in the world of self-help. However, the male gender was seriously short-changed.

      Well, men, too, can suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity, and enormous self-doubt that can result in serious emotional instability. It can reach the extreme wherein these states define all of a man’s behavior and ultimately compromise the stability of his intimate relationships. And, sadly, because we’ve tended to stereotype men as “the tough ones,” we have often missed the boat on understanding and appreciating the complexity of a man’s inner world. Hence, we haven’t even begun to provide guidance for men and their loved ones on how to help them overcome their experiences of deep pain from fear of abandonment and rejection, which underlie these insecurities. This is not a condition where you can tell a guy to “take two aspirin and call me in the morning.” Rather, this condition, known as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), requires serious attention and an in-depth method of treatment. Plus, since many men still experience a negative stigma when it comes to seeking help for emotional issues, they are prone to deny their issues and often fail to seek or accept help. So what are these men and those who love them to do?

      Many women I have known and worked with professionally have had the experience of dating a man who had initially presented himself with many endearing qualities and who at first seemed terrific. However, very quickly into the relationship, the women sense that something is off. For example, he may need to know their whereabouts all the time. He may freak out if his calls are not returned immediately. He may be subject to sudden and severe mood swings.

      Until now there has been little to no literature available to explain what I am now certain is what Dr. Joseph Nowinski describes as the Male Borderline Personality Disorder (MBPD)—which he aptly describes in Hard to Love.

      Fortunately, Dr. Nowinski’s book offers us an easy-to-read, highly informative, and insightful guide for men with Borderline Personality Disorder and for their intimate partners. Using real-life examples coupled with a direct yet compassionate tone, Dr. Nowinski guides the reader through a deep understanding of MBPD followed by a multidimensional solution. He illuminates such issues as how to deal with “free-floating” anxiety and insecurity. He teaches how to build self-acceptance, healthy boundaries, and resilience in both love and life. This is a truly comprehensive approach to understanding and overcoming this disorder.

      Thank you, Dr. Nowinski, for writing such a much-needed work. May it help its readers end their emotional suffering and finally be able to see the light of hope and healing.

       Debra Mandel, PhD

      Psychologist and author of

       Don’t Call Me a Drama Queen!

      Ever since the film Fatal Attraction, starring Glenn Close and Michael Douglas, captured the attention of moviegoers around the world, the concept of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has become part of public consciousness. It is a diagnosis that has been used to refer overwhelmingly to those women who

       • Have had ongoing problems making relationships work. Typically these women fall in love quickly and intensely, but their relationships are marred by unrealistic expectations and resultant conflict.

       • Tend to see the world in black-and-white terms. In other words, you are either their best friend or their worst enemy.

       • Demand attention. Sometimes they do this by being flirtatious; alternatively they may get attention by hurting themselves or threatening to.

       • Are emotionally intense and unstable. They can come on strong sexually, but their anger can be equally intense, and they can sink into deep states of depression and hopelessness. Consequently, they can be alternately needy and rejecting.

       • Cope with uncomfortable emotions through the use of alcohol and/or other drugs. Anger, anxiety, jealousy, self-hatred, depression, and boredom are only some of the emotions that the person with BPD tries to anesthetize with medication or drinking, often placing herself at risk of an overdose.

      Until now the idea that men may also suffer from BPD—perhaps even in equal numbers to women—has received scant attention. There is very little written about BPD in men in the professional literature, and even less research. Treatment centers for BPD rarely admit a male patient. However, experts in the field acknowledge that this condition does exist. As Rex Crowdy, MD of the National Institute of Mental Health points out, the hallmarks of BPD, in particular the inability to manage inner feelings and to succeed in relationships, are just as common in the male population as they are among women. Yet men rarely receive that diagnosis, much less treatment for it. In addition, because men and women differ in what they mean by intimacy, their attitude toward anger, the basis on which they build self-esteem, and so on, the solutions for BPD in men and women also differ.

      Hard to Love takes a fresh look at the concept of Borderline Personality Disorder and how that diagnosis may apply to as many men as women. Rather than framing it as a simple category—something one either is, or isn’t, period—we will look at BPD as a personality and temperament style that exists on a spectrum.

      As this book goes to print, the American Psychiatric Association has just published the first revision in fifteen years of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM. DSM-5, as this edition is called, attempts to clarify the definition of a “personality disorder.” The category of BPD is retained in DSM-5, but also organizes the behaviors associated with it into two areas. Specifically, in order to qualify for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, an individual must show significant impairment in the following two areas of personality functioning:

       • Self: The individual has an essentially negative view of him- or herself.

       • Interpersonal: The individual has a distorted view of others and difficulty in close relationships.

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